I am this mystery of a person and I feel okayish with it (no i feel shitty with it) but then I tell some detail about my personal life accidentally (eg. job) and suddenly I feel they judged my whole persona out of it.
It makes me unwilling to open up to be honest.
Especially that I am very fluid with who I am from day to day, month to month. Nowadays it got so bad that I actively avoid to share any details about myself and always stay in this ‘not labelled’ phase.
Always only saying enough to change perception of myself if such need arises from my meditations or introspections when I deem the past views or who I was is no longer valid.
Does that mean unless I settle on some kind of persona permanently I cannot have normal relationships? But it is constantly developing and fluid I can’t really tell who am I myself sometimes so how can anyone else.
And if they assume I am someone that I am not it just feels wrong like gender social dysphoria almost. Sure I can play this role they assigned me but I am lying and I hate lying.
I know it could sound grandiose but I am being perfectly honest/factual and its hard to put it somehow differently:
The nuances of me and what I seen and experienced and been through (life wise and spiritual/revelation/ultraintrapersonal wise and how i changed and still do are impossible to be conveyed in dialogue, much less assumed from singular fact. I don’t really know even how to share it with anyone and it is physically painful to keep it inside unable to somehow release it to someone who would understand.
Honestly it starts to be unbearable slowly
But people only want to joke and say other things usually very on the surface and when you want to dive deep into something like really let’s figure out serious stuff and ponder together they only do it when intoxicated.
Don’t get me wrong I know what to say and at what times to be perceived as socially acceptable so to say and perhaps I could even go like this to great lengths but it is no *real* me. That thing is still in the hard and slow process of excavation.
I also have a good idea how weird/unrelatable this post will read probably. Okay switching to something cooler after it lol
1 comment
Yup, I relate. I don’t like this feeling either. When I share something about myself, one particular aspect of my life and people act like: “ok, figured you out now”. The worst is when they make a wrong assumption based on that, and no matter what I say to correct that assumption, they just don’t want to hear any of it.
I’m starting to think that on one hand it’s just unrealistic to be fully understood. On the other hand, it’s about taking charge of your narrative and allowing people to judge and misunderstand. And knowing that their perception of you doesn’t change your inner workings. Even if they don’t get it, your truth is still your truth.