My girlfriend and I have been offically dating for 6 months and talking for 6 months before that, so we’ve been seeing each other a year in total. The reason why we didn’t start officially dating earlier, despite the fact that we both really liked each other, was because she felt she wasn’t truly over her ex yet – who she broke up with in 2020. They dated for 4 years and it was her first real serious relationship. Before she met me she spent nearly a year after the break up hoping and thinking they might get back together. After reaching out to him a year after the break to see if they could get back together, and him saying he had fully moved on and wasn’t interested, she then started the process of really moving on.
So needless to say, she was pretty attached to him.
During the talking stage there were a couple times I tried to take it to the next step, those times she explained to me how she didn’t feel ready and if she was going to be in a relationship with me she wanted to make sure she was completely over him. Which I respected, but I told her I could only wait so long for her. Eventually, the time came and I explained to her that I was unhappy being in the sort of limbo I was in and that if she wasn’t ready that was fine but I was going to be moving on soon.
The next week, we became official. She explained that that morning when she had told me was doing something else, she had actually gone to get coffee with her ex and had a discussion with him to finally try to put an end to that chapter of her life. She explained to me that she didn’t feel anything romantic towards him during their conversation and felt confident now that she was moved on. She even mentioned that she could see herself being friends with him.
I was uncomfortable with her lying to me about that and uncomfortable with how she talked about being friends with him, but happy that she felt like she had closed that chapter and we could move on.
Fast forward about 4 months into our relationship. I live part time with her at her apartment and things are going great. I decided to tidy some of her stuff, and though I didn’t mean to snoop I found some sentimental items from her previous relationship.
Heartfelt love notes, a bunch of cute sticky notes from him, pictures of him / them together, date receipts, and other little sentimental things of that nature.
I was pretty distraught by finding these items, even more so since we almost didn’t date because of her attachment to him. So after giving myself enough time to gather my thoughts to be able to bring it up to her in a productive manner I told he that I found those things.
I asked her why she had those things still, she said because shes just a sentimental person and wants to keep reminders of all the times in her life, including her time with him. She seemed like she didn’t see why it would be an issue and seemed almost confused as to why I would bring it up, but after seeing that it was making me uncomfortable she asked me if I wanted her to get rid of them. I said that she’s her own person and I’m not going to make that choice for her, but that it did indeed make me uncomfortable. She agreed that she would get rid of them.
Since then I haven’t brought it up and she hasn’t gotten rid of the items. She probably has forgotten about the her agreeing to get rid of them. (we both don’t have the best memory so I get it).
However, her having these things did and continues to make me feel uncomfortable.
Another thing that seems odd to me is that she’ll frequently bring up her ex’s dad, who she was good friends with. e.i, “my ex’s dad told me about this thing, it’s really cool”
So I have a couple questions.
1) do I have a right to be uncomfortable about these things?
2) how should I bring this conversation up without seeming naggy or controlling?
3) should I see her having these things as a sign that she still has some attachments to him? If so, how should I move forward?
I also wanna say that other then this we have had absolutely no issues in our whole relationship, she’s been a wonderful partner. Kind, considerate, plans and gets excited about cute dates with me, emotionally intelligent and there for me when I need her. It’s just that this keeps bugging me and I don’t know how to move forward with it.
TLDR: girlfriend has love notes and other momentos from an ex that she hoped to get back together with for a year after the breakup. Makes me uncomfortable and don’t know how to bring it up.
9 comments
People are allowed to have thier pasts and keep stuff from it. You over stepped asking her to throw them away massively.
>2) how should I bring this conversation up without seeming naggy or controlling?
By apologizing for the over step and retracting the ask.
[deleted]
I’ve never thrown away anything I’ve been given by my exes (except for worn out shoes and clothes that no longer fit), and I can safely say I’m over all of them. The love notes/letters/cards are put away somewhere in my parents’ house (not sure where), the valuable gifts are put away in boxes in my home and the non valuables that are my style and still fit me I use every day and there’s no sentimental value to that whatsoever. I don’t think you should insist on her getting rid of those things; it’s not cool to expect that from a partner. You can (and should) ask her to store them somewhere where you won’t be stumbling upon them.
However the issue here is not the mementos. It’s how your relationship started and what happened before you were official, and that isn’t going to change. So you should really think about whether you can realistically put that all aside and not hold it against her moving forward in any shape or form.
These are you being insecure problems not really her problems. She had a past before you and if you can’t accept it than you don’t accept her. We are the sum of our experiences and getting rid of those things won’t change her memory of it but more likely make her resent you.
You are right to feel how ever you do but asking her to do anything is controlling. I think you need to spend more time in self examination as to why you are bothered by this. You won. She is now dating you to the point of you basically living with her, everyday she chooses you over him. If you bring it up again and she says she didn’t forget and wants to keep them, what then?
1. No-one can tell you how you feel, but they are clues as to a bigger issue. Which is your insecurity.
2. You don’t. People keep mementos. I’ve got mementos from my ex’s. Doesn’t mean I love them, just that I’d like to have a memento of that stage if my life.
3. I refer you to the previous answer.
You sound insecure about this normal thing, and it’s going to drive a rift in your relationship. Either work on your insecurities or you’ll drive your partner away.
Fact is, your partner is with you now. You. So focus on that instead of her mementos.
I agree with the above posters that these items are a non-issue. Ask her to stick them in the back of the closet, if you have to bring them up again. They are a you problem.
Do you trust her? She has tried to make sure that you are not just her rebound relationship to the point of potentially messing herself up again by seeing him again. She figured out she doesn’t have any feelings anymore. (That she didn’t tell you where she was going is not shocking. You were pressuring her to change your relationship).
If you trust her, believe her. She will talk about her ex and his family because they were the bulk of her life until recently AND because she thinks you are a sensible guy who realizes there is nothing else to it. The rest is your unwarranted jealousy and you wanting to be naggy and controlling.
If you don’t trust her…stop wasting her time.
>Another thing that seems odd to me is that she’ll frequently bring up her ex’s dad, who she was good friends with. e.i, “my ex’s dad told me about this thing, it’s really cool”
Also this isn’t odd at all. She knew the man for at least 4 years. There was plenty of time for her to have learned cool things. People are full of life hacks. 17 to 22 alot of stuff is picked up from older people. You apply it figure out if it works for you or not, it gets modified or abandoned as life progresses. This is you being nit picky and hunting for things to blame on the past. Also chances are he was simply a bit of a father figure.
Does she have a habit of keeping things to document her life? For example, does she journal, scrapbook, or generally hoard things for a long time? Because I’m the same way. I also have things from past relationships stowed away. It’s really not about any kind of fondness for the person- i hold on to it because it’s my history. It’s like keeping a personal history museum. It sounds like she thinks of it the same way.
I understand that it probably hurts to see it as her current boyfriend, but it’s not like anything new happened. It sounds like she was already pretty honest with you about that relationship, so seeing these mementos really doesn’t change anything. Besides, it’s a good sign that she was clear with you from the start about her feelings for him. It shows she has no intention of hurting you or using you.
If that relationship took up four years of her life, it’s very normal for her to mention him and his parents here and there. We all talk about our past experiences. The longer you two are together, the more memories she’ll have that don’t have anything to do with him. You need to give her a chance to get to that point.
People that have sentimental items dont leave them out to be tidied up. They are in a box in a closet. So you DID snoop which is a huge violation of trust. You also have gone back to where the items are kept because you know she hasnt tossed them.
4 years in your teens is long time to be with someone. She is allowed to have a past. Shes allowed to keep thing that remind her of that time.
You are insecure and controlling.
Grow up.