I’ve always found it hard to open up to and get close to people – it’s not just that something is stopping me from saying what I really want to, but also that more often than not I have absolutely no idea what to say. A coworker is having a baby? My mind goes blank. Someone says something nice to me? Blank. Normal small talk – I can only do this with people I know, or if I’m in a one on one conversation. I retreat completely when I’m in a group (even if it’s a group of 3), and I come out of conversations feeling miserable and incredibly rude.
Worst part is that I feel like the last couple of months have been really tough when it comes to socializing – I feel like this has come in the way of any friendships I have, and my work and I want to just disappear and be on my own.
Anyone going through the same, or has an idea on what this could be?
3 comments
I don’t really have any tips but I want you to know that I also experience this too. It’s pretty difficult when you want to socialize but your mind is always blank. It’s like there’s no direction of where to go in the conversation. Do you also experience difficulty processing and understanding what people say to you?
Hey there, if you’ve noticed this getting worse, you might go and get a physical, to get some basic blood work done. There are some conditions that can make it harder to think, like a B12 deficiency.
I think this is more of a problem when you’re worried about saying “the right thing,” or “something relevant” or “something witty or awesome,” etc. And there’s no *right* thing to say.
What’s important to remember is that WHAT you say isn’t nearly as important as HOW you say it. The key to this is bringing an emotional state that is at least somewhat on the wavelength of the person you’tr talking to (happy? sad? upset? joyful? worried? pumped?), and then vibing with that emotion simply by linking to what they’re saying.
So in your example, the co-worker having the baby, presumably they are super happy about that, so you’d chime in with a bit of joyful “That’s so AWESOME! When are you DUE?” and then you could follow up with simple stuff like “Have you made space at your PLACE, bought anything yet?” or “Is this your FIRST?” (if you don’t know), or “How are you FEELING?”
Pretty basic stuff that relates to the exciting and somewhat stressful aspect of going through that event and expanding your household. Take what they say and LINK, but do it with JOY (or whatever emotion depending on what they’re communicating.)
For example they might say “Oh, gee, at age 38 I’m a little worried!” and then you’d channel some concern and sympathy, i.e. “Hey that’s OKAY, lots of women give birth in their late 30s,” etc. and be encouraging.
So the MOOD/VIBE/EMOTION is much more important than what you actually say. And what you actually say can be pretty simple, and simply based off whatever the person is offering.
That’s how to start getting better at this. Tap into the VIBE.
And if you’re not sure the vibe, bring a positive/enthusiastic one, and that is usually readily welcomed.
Good luck!