My boyfriend told me his friends were anxious to meet me and though I’m really shy I eventually mustered up the courage to make a plan. Yesterday, I met his best friend. He said hello, asked me one question about the Middle East (where I’m from), I make a joke about terrorism that cracked him up, and then that was it. They talked to each other about people I’d never met, referenced situations I didn’t understand, and had lots of inside jokes. I asked questions to try and get to know him and start a conversation, but a pattern quickly formed: it started a train of conversation I wasn’t invited to board on. For example (let’s call the friend G and my boyfriend E):
Me (after 10 minutes of listening quietly and smiling when they laughed about something): So… do you guys do anything for the holidays? Like Secret Santa or a New Years party?
G: Nah, we don’t really do Secret Santa.
E: Remember the one time we did it with the Wilsons?
G: Oh man, that was a riot. David was so pissed. But not as pissed as he was during that new year’s party.
E: Whenever John wants to rile him up he just says, “Who wants to play ‘Never Have I Ever'”?
\[Both laugh, I sit there feeling it would be nosy to ask who these people are or what happened, and the conversation rolls along so it’s hard to interrupt\]
Eventually I gave up and just watched the sports channel on the TV at the bar. But then I started feeling like it was rude – and my bf squeezed my knee so I think he noticed – so eventually I turn back to them and ask if any of them like ice-skating. I’m a figure skater who likes watching hockey games, so it would’ve been a nice conversation. But they somehow immediately start talking about Fantasy Football.
Not trying to get to know me is one thing, but the overt exclusion started to offend me and I tried not to take it personally. But tomorrow, I’m going to meet the rest of his friend group at this Halloween thing, and after yesterday I’m not looking forward to it. I’m confused whether I should – not as a girlfriend, but as a person trying to go outside their comfort zone – make an effort to be included somehow, sit quietly and listen and smile, or just do what I want to do, which is let myself zone out without guilt when I’m being ignored. None of those are exactly comfortable, but I’m clueless as to what a confident, socially-savvy person would do in that kind of situation.
Any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated.
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Edit: just noticed the typo in the question title >\_<
1 comment
Honestly it just sounds like maybe his friends are a bit socially-awkward, themselves.
When I’ve been with a group of guys from work (I’m a programmer) – and someone’s girlfriend is along with us – I used to fall into the trap of “talking shop” with the guys and inadvertently just excluding her. Sometimes I was even sorta aware I was doing it – but I just didn’t know what else to talk about and felt awkward not talking, so we just kept talking shop.
These days I’ve tried to be much better about this – and I do try to only really discuss topics that can include everyone present – but it’s *always* hard to avoid falling into long conversations about some topic that only a few people can participate in.
I think a “Socially Savvy” person, as you say – would maybe try to dig in and find topics they are interested in – and find something that you have common ground with. You shouldn’t feel like you need to bear the weight of the whole convo, though.
Honestly I think in this setting – where its just you and this very well-established group of dudes – its gonna be hard to sorta change the culture and go-to topics of that group as one new person coming in. Maybe you could organize a get together that included his friends *and* your friends/acquaintances – so that you sorta have a different group that doesn’t have a whole dynamic/culture already sorta “baked-in”?
Also – you mentioned you were sitting at a bar? I kinda wonder if that could influence the dynamic a bit? Its harder to have side-conversations with individual people if you are at one end of the bar and the group is all to one side – you have to either address the whole group or just not talk. Maybe find a situation/context that allows for more smaller, sub conversations to happen?