Ok , this is gonna be a very long read . I have been really messed up and don’t know what am I supposed to do and where am I even at . So all this started back in June 2022 , I (21 M) and this girl let’s call her P (21 F) met in college . It was our third year and we were in the same class. Surprisingly I knew her before that cause we were in the same group during induction and I had a small crush on her back in 2019 which faded in like a couple of months . Back to June , it was semester break and we had become friends so she had come to see me off at the station . She had a boyfriend which I knew of and I had no romantic interests towards her . We joked around and I told her I’m gonna annoy her with calls and texts throughout the break so that we keep in touch and she reciprocated .
It was July ’22 , we were talking a lot over calls and I was really happy that I had finally made a good friend who I can at least discuss random stuff with . During all this she told me about how bad her life was due to her anxiety and depressing thoughts . I used to comfort her that I will be there for her whatever happens and made her promise me that I am gonna make sure she makes it out of it . Days went by and she started to seem more and more positive on calls and she sounded happy talking to me . She used to tell me how good her boyfriend was as he used to look after her a lot and was always willing to listen to all her problems and be there for her which I didn’t used to mind but I did think in the back of the head then why was she so depressed with him .
1 month later , I had to go for an internship in a city I had never been to and knew no one at . So I was really alone there . During that period of 2 months , she was the only person I used to talk to for hours and it sort of comforted me that she used to care about the fact I was very lonely there . I think it was because of her I had the will to completely and successfully finish my intern and be back for college . I was very excited to meet her . I hadn’t seen her for 3 months and I really wanted to meet her after so long . So I came back for college . She used to live like 800 m. from my Hostel .
Sep ’22 , we started hanging out , going out for street food , texting and calling daily and both were getting closer as friends . My birthday was on 21st September . On the day before that , she asked me to go for a friendly date . I was very happy and we went to this place which is like a hill station and the view is very good . We had coffee and talked about normal stuff . On the way back , she saw a guy selling LED balloons and asked me if I liked them . I told her that since my ex really liked balloons I wasn’t as much of a fan . Then I thought to myself , she would get happy if I got her balloons so we stopped and I got her those LED balloons . She got really happy and I was happy too . Later on she asked me to stop on a cafe where she ordered a cheesecake and added candles to it and said happy birthday . I was really touched by it and I think this was the moment where we got actually closer .
Fast forward a couple of weeks , we kept hanging out and seeing each other . I wear rings so she said she wanted one like mine so I got her a pretty ring that would fit her fingers cause mine were very loose on hers . We had this place near the forest where no one usually came so it was kind of romantic when I gave her that ring . This was the day I asked her if her boyfriend would have a problem with me giving her a ring . She said , that her bf is the most open minded guy in the world and likes me a lot .I was like , alright if he doesn’t mind then its fine . Couple of nights later I asked her to go to a nearby cafe for dinner so she told me to swing by her place and we could go on from there . When I reached her place , she said we should order food instead and chill out at her place cause she was tired . She then told me that I should stay the night because it was getting very late . The thing was that her boyfriend was out of town . I was a bit uncomfortable and told her it would be fine and I can leave but she insisted that I stayed . Since she wanted to get introduced to anime , we watched ‘I want to eat your pancreas’ .We had a couple of beers and she wanted to learn how to smoke so I taught her how to smoke and it was very cute . There was a moment between us but I never acted because I respected her relationship . She used to always say I love you too whenever I was leaving but I never said anything back because for me those words mean a lot and I understood she said it in a platonic way . We kept hanging out and even if she didn’t see me for a single day , she would text me how much she missed me and stuff .
Fast forward , I got sick with viral . My fever wasn’t dropping at all , she came by and made me oats which she fed me with her own hands and stayed with me through it . I was feeling much better the next day . I don’t know what happened but this made me feel like this wasn’t just platonic any more but I think something really weird is happening and I don’t understand it . Few weeks later , we had our semester break and we had to leave for home . Since morning she kept asking me why my mood was so bad which I didn’t realize until even my friends started saying that I looked like I was depressed . She had to go home on 22nd October and I had to go home on 23rd . Seeing me like that , she cancelled her tickets and stayed because she was worried that I was sick or something . She jokingly said I was gonna miss her and I have become really attached to her hence I am so low . When I asked her how was her bf okay with her cancelling her tickets to stay with me , she told me he was the one who told her she should stay . She also said that even she wanted spend one more day with me before going home . That day , in the evening I went to her home . We had beer and smoked a couple of cigarettes . She used to say that she loved smoking cigarettes with me . We were talking about normal life and she told me that her bf had told her that I was really attached to her and said she felt the same way . I don’t know what happened to me , but I had a breakdown because I was so confused with what was going on . I told her that I don’t know what kind of attachment it is but it is definitely not platonic . I don’t know how but I actually was in love with her. I told her how sorry I was and I did not intend to because I knew she had a bf and how did I even develop these feelings . She held my hand and put her head on it and started crying saying that she knew . She said she was going to be selfish but can’t let me go from her life and insisted we should stay friends and I’ll get over this feeling . I was so confused at what was happening . We hugged and held each other for a long time until I had to go back . Next day we went home and she kept calling to check on me if I was okay . On my way back , I told her how pathetic I felt for falling in love with a person who was just nice and caring towards me . She told me she told her bf about what happened and told me said its fine , and it happens since we’re all humans . I literally couldn’t understand what did I just hear . She told me he liked me because I made her happy and he wanted her happiness . What the hell .
Two days later , I put my brain into this realization that I don’t want anything romantic with her and just continue being her friend as I was . But she would bring up one thing or another and say how much she’s been crying over what happened these past couple of days . She told me I was one of the reasons why she hasn’t been depressed . It broke me even more . I told her I will get back to her as the friend I was . Two nights ago , she send me a text that said she’s taking some time off and wants to be with her family and wouldn’t pick up any calls or texts . I’ve been missing her a lot and I want to talk to her but on the other hand I want to respect her space . What am I supposed to do . I’ve been talking to her everyday for so many days that I am literally unable to stop thinking about her . What happens from here ? What do I do ? Do I talk to her bf ? Do I just have to forget her and move on ?
TL/DR: Made a friend who had a bf . Hung out daily with her and got really close . Her bf never had a problem with me giving her a ring , staying at her place when he was out of town , even me falling in love with her . She says she can’t let me go because I’m one of the reasons she hasn’t been depressed . She suddenly texts that she hasn’t been herself lately and wants to spend time with her family for a couple of days which is really hard for me cause I haven’t spent a single day without talking to her in the past 6 months .
4 comments
You were having an emotional affair with a woman who was always in a relationship.
And she encouraged it, and ignored your boundaries around things like “I love you.” At best, this was immature and naive of her. At worse, it was manipulative and shitty of her.
What you’re supposed to do right now is not contact her for the next week.
You do not speak to her BF. He is not your friend and whatever is going on with the two of them is not your business.
The space will be good for you. It will hurt, but it’s needed.
You need to grieve this out and recognize that daily contact hasn’t been healthy for you for a *long* while now and that this woman has not actually been as kind to you as you thought in the moment. If there is going to be any friendship here moving forward (and frankly, there probably shouldn’t be) it’s going to have to become an actual *friendship*. The kind where you speak a few times a week at most. Not the kind that is obviously an inappropriate emotional affair with messed up boundaries.
You move on? You were her emotional affair partner and she used you. A person isn’t cured of depression because they talk to someone new, they are seeking validation and positive feelings in an unhealthy way.
I’m sorry but you gave her a ring and are lying to yourself if you are pretending this was all platonic. There is really no point in lying to yourself.
Lots of lessons to be learned from this situation once you stop kidding yourself and really self reflect on the situation. You made some mistakes and she sounds manipulative and not a loyal partner. Hopefully it helps you avoid a similar situation in the future.
Remember when she said she told her bf and he was cool with this? That was fiction. She told him a minimized version of your emotional affair, or she told him nothing and he figured some of it out. Her “no contact” is her trying to hide it from him, now that he’s onto her. She’ll reach back out when she thinks she can get away with it. If you continue this relationship, it does not have a happy ending.
Calm down its a couple days !! Dont message or call , give her space