I am the noncustodial parent of my daughter who lives about 20 minutes away with her mom and stepdad. My daughter struggles with anxiety and depression and an unhealthy anger toward authority figures. She virulently fights any inkling that she needs help, saying she just needs to “figure things out” on her own.
When she was in 8th grade, she was suspended from school for threatening to stab two girls she thought were gossiping about her. She spent the following week at our local children’s hospital in its behavioral health center because she threatened to harm herself. Since then, her grades improved and she seemed to be doing better. Some quarters of school will be straight As, while others are complete disasters (she’s had to retake multiple classes).
She expects to go to college after high school and I think she’s being set up for a massive rude awakening.
But more pressing is the need for her to get some real, professional help to manage her mental struggles. The problem, however, is her angry refusal to let anyone help her. I fear that the incident in 8th grade, and its aftermath, is what she thinks adult “help” looks like.
For her part, her mom seems to be trying, but struggles with how do you help a child who refuses help?
What can we do to change her perception of help that she so desperately needs? Obviously, as the noncustodial parent, my options are limited.
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**tl;dr**: Daughter struggles with anxiety and depression, shuts down when confronted by teachers or other adults who she perceives as rude or mean. Refuses help for dealing with mental illness, and yet it’s all-consuming. How can we help her?
EDIT: Added important info about why we admitted her to the hospital.
8 comments
This is really difficult, and what you can do is limited. I think it’s good if you let her know help is an option when she wants it, including later in life. I also think you might benefit from a podcast I recently listened to about dialectical behavior therapy tools. I think this subreddit dislikes outside links but you can find it with a web search for bay area dbt podcast. It’s free and it discusses some basic techniques. You can also point her to it or to any particular episodes that you think she may find helpful, so she has the notion that she can get some help in a non-stressful way at her own pace and with privacy. I’m also kind of hoping that the mentions of therapy might help her grasp that therapy can be a less stressful, helpful thing that she may want to choose for herself at some point. But, obviously, no guarantees. It’s pretty much all I can easily think of. I know there are some mental health apps too that can let people get some mental health resources at their own pace and less stressfully than therapy (also less help, but still something), but I don’t know the quality of different ones and they tend to cost money. So, I can’t recommend any in particular, although you can see if your insurance gives you free access to any of them, as sometimes it does. Then you could check it out.
I would suggest family therapy. Either you and your daughter or your daughter and her mother. That way it doesn’t seem like she is being singled out and it can help show her that everyone needs help, not just her.
Family therapists are generally pretty good at getting reluctant individuals to open up and find ways to get them involved.
> She spent the following week at our local children’s hospital in its behavioral health center.
I understand why that may have felt necessary but wow what a great way to traumatize your kid about therapy. She’ll be passing that one down to her own kids.
Make an appointment with a child psychologist and go by yourself. Explain the situation as well as the reasons for your daughter’s resistance to therapy. See what they recommend.
I feel like family therapy might be a good place to start but I’m not a professional and your daughter has legitimate trauma associated with therapy. You can’t ignore that. You need to talk to a qualified professional who will take your daughters issues with therapy seriously and see what they recommend.
A part-time job after school might help her learn some life skills. Or maybe sports, an after school class related to her interests, or etc. If the hospital was traumatic for her she might be scared off of mental health services.
Kinda going through the same thing with my daughter atm, it’s hard but professional help is the best thing.
The book “The Explosive Child,” by Ross Greene may be helpful to you.
Be warned, though, that this is not a “how to get your kid to do what you want” book!
There’s a very helpful Facebook group called “The B Team” that walks parents through the process outlined in the book.
I hope she’s able to get the help she needs!
Whatever you do, just make sure it’s never framed as punishment. Family therapy is a great idea, but please be careful to let her know that it (or however you decide to try to help) is because you care about her and want her to be happy, and you just need to outsource some things to a professional because you’re all out of tools in your own toolbox.
I love my dad, but when I was going through Some Shit it was very clear that he wanted me to be admitted to the ward as a punishment for basically being an embarrassment. That hurt A LOT and absolutely did not help at all. Just make sure she knows you love her and you’re trying to help.
would it be possible for guys to find her a tele-therapist she can see? some of the therapists in my area are pretty darn ~alternative~ looking– dyed hair, visible tattoos, piercings, etc. i feel like, if i were a standoffish 13 year old who had a bad experience in a stuffy mental hospital, i might have a different perspective if i could talk to a cool-appearing therapist from the comfort of my bedroom.