My (21m) girlfriend (21f) and I have been together for the past 3 years now. It’s been mostly long distance and we live some 400 miles apart from each other ever since I joined the marine corps. I still visit at least monthly to see her for a weekend or so. Over the past few months she’s joined a discord server to make friends and find people to game with, but I’ve gotten uncomfortable after finding out the majority of the people she talks to on discord are men, and she spends most of her free time, at least 4-6 hours nightly, on call and playing games with them.
I know I should just be happy that she’s found new friends other than me but it still bothers me, especially with how often she can act distant to me, but still spend hours on call and spending time with these other men.
To pile more on, she often refuses to play games or spend anywhere near that long on the phone with me, claiming boredom or a need to eat etc. compiled with the fact that these other men often try to invite her out to “watch a movie” or something (at least two of the other men live locally to her). I guess I’m just asking how I should treat this whole situation as it’s constantly stressing me out and the fact that I’m deploying soon makes feel anxious about what may happen when I’m gone for a long period of time.
I’ve tried telling her recently that the whole thing makes me uncomfortable, to which she broke down and got upset, so I left it be.
What do I do?
3 comments
>To pile more on, she often refuses to play games or spend anywhere near that long on the phone with me, claiming boredom or a need to eat etc.
Why does she refuse to play games with you, especially if she games with these other people? The reasons you gave that she gives doesn’t answer that.
She broke down and got upset with you because you struck a nerve. Something is going on with her. Trust your gut.
Have you considered playing the same games as her and joining the same communities? Or scheduling “virtual dates” where you order something from the same restaurant chain and then watch the same movie. Something where you are doing something together (sort of) and that buffs up the conversation.
As a married guy (26 years married) who games, a lot, and spends a decent amount of time in discord with men and women, the relationships I’ve made aren’t sexual or romantic in nature at all. You can easily spend hours playing a game but also playing that game with other people who you are in discord with. You have an activity (the game) that supports the conversation and gives you a ready thing to discuss with other people who are currently sharing in that same activity. Even when you are doing a game activity that you and the others have done time and time again, there’s always some randomness in the system from something to add a flavor of “new” to buff up any dull points in the conversation.
Contrast that with your conversations now with her. You both probably talk about each other’s day and honestly, its repetitive: what happened today, happened yesterday and will happen tomorrow too. There’s nothing new there. You need to find ways to add an activity that you can share and talk about and help you feel connected.
The guys who are inviting her to movies are possibly crossing a line and it would be within reason to express your concerns with that. A person who wants more than friendship, are not your friend and boundaries should be created. At the same time you have to learn to trust your partner too.