My partner (25M) and I (25F) have been in a healthy, committed relationship for the past 5 years. To put it shortly, we’ve always been the couple that are “relationship goals.” And, it really has been that way. We’ve had a relationship of deep love, trust, respect, and pretty good communication. But, things have changed drastically in the past few months.
Really, I believe it all started when he got his dream job a few months back. It’s basically in its start-up phase, so he’s been extremely busy and working long hours. Despite this, he feels very fulfilled by it and I couldn’t be any happier for him. I’ve been nothing but supportive. I’ve made sure to hold down the fort at home (cooking, cleaning, etc), along with being very understanding of his time and the little energy that he has left when he comes home/on his days off. And, he’s appreciative of this and is constantly telling me that he’s grateful.
But, I can’t help but feel a change in the relationship. And, he feels it too. It’s been an ongoing discussion that we’ve been having challenges of connecting, both emotionally and physically. Each time we’ve had this conversation, he’s listened and made some changes. But, it seems like we keep coming back to it. Also, it’s important to note that although our relationship feels off, we continue to be kind, respectful, and supportive of one another.
We finally had a deeper discussion where I learned that he’s lost the passion for me and the relationship within the past few months. He said that he’s had a deep passion for the past 4 years, and he doesn’t know if it’s just him changing/our relationship/ or if it’s his job. I can’t help but feel like it is his job since this began once he became so occupied with it. The tricky thing is that he wonders if he’s being selfish with letting his job consume all of his time and energy/ if he should be. At first I said no because I want to continue being supportive, but now I’m starting to question otherwise.
He also expressed that he hasn’t been happy at home because he feels like it’s too much pressure to “get it right” with the little time that we do have together. I completely understand this, and I told him that I don’t want there to be pressure because obviously, how are we going to cultivate romance and passion with pressure?
Anyway, I’ve been nothing but clear that I don’t need much to feel loved by him, it’s really the little things that matter to me (feeling like he’s present, little touches, meaningful conversations, etc). I’m just asking for a little more awareness and re-commitment into the relationship.
I am trying to remain understanding that this is a once in lifetime opportunity for him, but it takes two to be in a relationship and I have needs too. I know that I can’t make him want this relationship, and he said that he wants to continue trying. But, it seems like he has tunnel vision and I’m afraid that he’ll completely lose sight of our relationship. I’m devastated – I would hate to lose all that we created because of his job. I can’t help but feel like I’m competing for his attention.
So, when do we know that it’s reached its end? What is the balance between his dream job and his long term relationship? Should I keep trying to reel him back in, or should I let him go? Are we growing apart?
Tl;dr: drastic shift in connection with partner of 5 years after getting his dream job – has our relationship run its course?
4 comments
Is the dream job going to be one where for the next few years or more he is completely dedicated to it and not you.
>The tricky thing is that he wonders if he’s being selfish with letting his job consume all of his time and energy/ if he should be. At first I said no because I want to continue being supportive, but now I’m starting to question otherwise.
You said that he works a lot of hours, so what is your definition of a lot? 12 hour days? 6 or 7 days a week?
Is he being adequately paid for all the ‘extra’ (ie, anything over a standard 40 hour week) work or is it salaried? Is his work paying off, in terms of helping the company progress? Is there any end to the extra long days in sight (are they planning on hiring anyone else to share his workload, for example)?
Just my humble opinion, but if he is putting in all the hours under the sun and he’s getting nothing back in terms of compensation for it (and won’t be in the future), I do wonder why is he bothering at all? There’s a fine line between doing your fair share of work, and being taken advantage of by your employer…
I’m honestly confused on a few things about your situation. Maybe clarity will help on a few points:
* What exactly is the nature of his dream job? How often is he away and how long does he get to take breaks? Is he away for days at a time? Does he see it slowing down? Does he even want it to slow down? Most importantly, does it seem to make him happy or stressed? (Does he show signs of workaholism?)
* I can’t make sense of his motivations. Does he actually want out of your relationship? Or are you just horribly afraid he’s gonna leave you because he’s plateaued on passion? Your post is phrased as if he’s going to leave you for his job, which is confusing. I’m assuming you two live together: do you really think he’s going to leave all of that behind to go find passion for someone else he doesn’t have time for?
* What about you? Do you actually want out of your relationship? or are you just afraid that he does?
* Do you still go out on dates? Have semi-regular sex and/or intimacy? If he’s too busy for any of this then you’ve definitely got a problem on your hands.
* You sound like you have good report with one another, but have you been explicit as to what he needs to do on his end to keep you from drifting away from him?
My honest assessment even without answers to the above questions is that you two are going through a rough patch, but not anything to end a relationship over. If you have mutual respect, trust, communication, and occasional bouts of passion then that’s almost as good as it gets.
It’s a huge mistake for you to be doing cooking and cleaning at home to support his career without being married. You’re the bangmaid – you can’t be sure if he’s staying because of how convenient you make his life (built in cook and cleaner!) or because he really thinks you’re the one.
If he leaves you now, you’ll have sacrificed a lot of time and maybe even your own training/career to support him and you’ll be left with nothing.