Hey guys (24M here), recently my mom gave me honest advice and told me that I sometimes over-explain my point, where it was understood initially but I kept adding details. I don’t want to bore my listener or have them feel insulted because they already know what I’m talking about, so they might feel I’m insulting their intelligence.
Sometimes it’s also that I just love to elaborate even if I believe they got the point. So that’s another factor.
And just generally, how do I know what is considered common sense and what isn’t? I sometimes become a bit obsessive if I start doubting that another person and I are on the same page or not.
Because I don’t want to leave out information and leave them feeling uneasy.
So…I want to be thorough with others but not telling them things that don’t need to be repeated. Or advice their parents already told them thousands of times, etc.
Please give any advice. Thanks (=
5 comments
taking some body cues might help, If they’re looking around and not talking much more than nodding or saying yes, that may be the point to stop
I’m sure my mother said that to me plenty of times. I think I over-explain when I am not getting any signal from the other person that they understand me. Maybe you’re missing the signal, but maybe the other person is just not giving you any!
Validating is a skill, and maybe your mom isn’t doing it. Of course you want your mom to know and understand you! If you don’t feel heard, or understood, you’re going to keep trying, right? Especially with your mom.
So maybe this is on her actually. Maybe she thinks it’s enough to just listen quietly, but it really isn’t. So instead of her asking you to just stop explaining, **she might ask herself what she could do differently to make you feel heard**. She could jump in and rephrase your point back to you in her own words. She could offer her own point of view on the same topic.
A great book on validating is: [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35522033-i-hear-you](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35522033-i-hear-you)
Maybe you would like that book too, so you’ll know what to look for from the other person, and what to give someone else to make them feel heard.
Hope that helps!
They are rapidly nodding their head in a yes motion.
Of course your mom thinks that. Is biased though bc she 1: Listens to you talk every day and it’s likely you have already brought stuff up to her so you’re really only insulting her intelligence, not everyone’s. 2: She raised you so she already knows most of everything you know. That’s not the case for all strangers you talk to. And 3: Keep in mind that talking about things that interest you with some type of passion is incredibly attractive. You can get to a point where you sound like a broken record or you get annoying if you never mind your rhetoric at all and pick inappropriate times to bring up some subjects. But if you’re just generally nerding out about stuff, don’t stress it. You’ll likely find people that love you for that characteristic specifically. Forget the folks that don’t.
It’s called info dumping you kinda sound like you’re on the spectrum my dude. Just live your life don’t adjust keep those details fresh and don’t hate yourself for it