So I’m going through a breakup. My (38m) ex-girlfriend (38f) and I pretty much decided that our relationship wasn’t working and both of us had needs that weren’t getting met so we mutually and amicably decided to break up. Then the weirdest thing happened. My depression that had been plaguing me for years just went away. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I could breathe for the first time in the 5 years that we had been together.
Here’s the thing: my ex is wonderful. She’s beautiful, smart, great in bed and an all around great person and I love her. I think I’m realizing for the first time in my life that I need as close as possible to absolute freedom to be happy. It’s like as soon as I feel tied down I start to get depressed and then life becomes really hard. I’m happy for the first time in 5 years and I’m wondering if anyone else out there can relate. Is this common and I’m just unaware? Is there a Reddit group for this?
I do feel a bit foolish for not realizing this
sooner – I just couldn’t figure out why I was so sad when I had such a wonderful partner but now I think I know: it was because having a partner makes me enjoy life less no matter how wonderful they are.
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I don’t know that it’s weird, but rare perhaps? I don’t personally know anyone who feels having a partner makes them enjoy life less – generally it’s been the opposite and a partner can bring a lot of value and joy to their life.
You do you. Whatever works for you, works.
What about being in a relationship makes you fell “tied down”?
Is it monogamy? Expectations your partner may have? Commitment?
i feel.
Basically the exact same thing happened with me in my last relationship. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I could actually be happy again. For months I was miserable, but even the minute when I left her place after ending things, I felt instantly happier.
It’s not weird.
For me, relationships are stressful and depressing.
This may be sexist, but it’s my take on things and it is what it is:
Women tend to try to play the role of “life coach” more than anything in relationships. They’re not looking for a partnership; they’re looking for an idealized placeholder on their terms. I end up trying to live up to their expectations and meet *their* goals for *me* rather than working towards my own happiness and desires.
It’s exhausting, and the realization that they don’t love me for who I am, but rather for who *they want me to be* is crushing every time I come to that realization.
Some people are just happier single. Our society isn’t organized around people like that and some people are going to be annoying about it. But if it feels good to you, it’s good.
If you’re ever looking for people who feel similar to you, you might want to look up the terms Aromantic and Solo Poly. You probably can’t be defined by either term but if you’re ever looking for support and understanding those labels might help you find people who think like you.
youre not weird. My ex broke up with me and it hurt like hell but even through the hurt i felt myself being happier than ever before no matter how much i missed her
Poor girl, wasting 5 years
I honestly do think that there are people who just aren’t destined for the relationship lifestyle and that’s totally fine!
I think it’s drastic to conclude that you are only happy single and therefore you will not pursue a relationship for the rest of your life. I mean yes, freedom is nice, but what drew you to the relationship in the first place? As humans, we all need to love and be loved, accepted. So no matter how free you feel now and how much you think you only want freedom, you also have a need to love and be loved, it’s just human. But for now, just enjoy your freedom 🙂
Nope it’s not weird. Some people just feel happier without being coupled up. It’s fine. As long as you’re happy with your choices, then just keep on truckin’.
You could be aromantic. I have a friend that is, and they can feel attracted to people, have sexual desire and care about them, but not deeply enough to be in a relationship. When they try it’s just not good for them mentally.
See if your present high spirits hold up over time. Then you can make a decision about your need for freedom.
Nope its great people will try and make it seem your missing out…
Fck that be single say single
Be happy
Have money
Do everything you want.
It’s amazing
Your not weird. I actually understand where you are coming from. Relationships get in my way. I’m just happier single
It’s okay to prefer to be single. There is not one life script that everybody has to follow.
That said, it’s also possible that you get depressed in relationships because of some systemic psychological trauma or issues that you could work past. Did a parent abandon or abuse you? Did you have a really traumatic relationship in your past? Maybe you think you’ve healed and moved but really haven’t, and the anxiety/pain/etc is haunting you and making it difficult for you to navigate and enjoy good romantic relationships. Solution: talk to a therapist.
I feel the same way in my current relationship. I’m separated from my husband after 23 years of marriage. I feel like our marriage was an anchor around my neck. I still live with him even though we’re separated because I can’t afford to live by myself. My mental health has gotten worse and I think the longer I live here the worse it gets. I know when I move out on my own I plan to be single for a long time.
I’m at this point too, so personally I don’t think we’re weird I think that we just need time
do you think maybe you have codependency issues?
Lets be real your pertner was probably controlling
This is eye opening I think I’m going thru this but I’m on the outside looking in like I feel like my girl loves me but she doesn’t really want to be with me. Like she’s apprehensive about commitment yet loves the companionship I guess. Sometimes it’s like we’re okay but the next minute she questions whether or not I’m good for her.
I’m similar and poly. While I have a primary partner and I love our relationship, by most outside standards it would probably look “casual”. It’s not. I trust him like no one else and I have an immense amount of love and respect for him. He’s truly my favorite person.
But I love getting to know people. I love connecting with people.
I’ve tried living with partners and it just – to be blunt – feels like they’re clogging up my life. What we eat, what we do, when we sleep, when we wake up, what we watch, where we go, how we do *every little fucking thing* becomes a part of “we”. Even if we have separate things we do. Nothing feels like mine anymore.
My partner and I will never live together. We will never be monogamous. That’s why we work.
Do you want a family and kids? If you do its kinda hard to do that without even having a girlfriend or serious relationship. But if you dont and want to just be a free player then more power to you
The person I’m ‘involved’ with is like this. We tried dating the traditional way and it was miserable for the both of us. He wants and needs freedom. I think I need it too but didn’t realize it until recently, and never really wanted it. I still want companionship but I’m okay with us having plenty of space. I know we think so highly of each other and he says the same things about me that you’ve said about your ex. It’s not about me, or her. It’s something in the way you attach to people.
I notice this about myself. I’m happier single (not for dating or sleeping around or fear of being tied down) but it’s because I don’t have to deal with my demons when I’m not in a relationship. My mind is my worst enemy. I found an amazing partner and noticed myself getting very depressed recently when a year ago (single or first started dating) I was in the best place mentally. Currently working through this, not sure if it’s the same for you but you’re not alone.
There’s not one way to live life. While you like being loved you didn’t necessarily want to have to accommodate another person and that’s okay. Some people are truly better single. Maybe try being a third in a poly relationship? Or just date casually? You just have to be upfront about it and let them know it’s not going to change.