Shattered. Absolutely shattered. What is likely to happen next. What’s life supposed to be like now? I am at wits end. I need answers. Please help me make sense out of this?

If you want to read the previous posts for more context, if not, it don’t matter:

Previous posts:

* [(11) She doesn’t want to be a housewife. : Divorce (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/y9phe9/she_doesnt_want_to_be_a_housewife/)
* [She has zero remorse and I have never been so confused in my life. : Marriage (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/y9w9il/she_has_zero_remorse_and_i_have_never_been_so/)
* [(11) I feel like a dead person. : Divorce (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/ybcopo/i_feel_like_a_dead_person/)
* [I’ll take the blame. : Divorce (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/yce0qs/ill_take_the_blame/)
* [(10) Should I ask her one last time if this is what she really wants. Feeling really guilty and uneasy about filing. Help. : marriageadvice (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriageadvice/comments/ydmhu4/should_i_ask_her_one_last_time_if_this_is_what/)
* [(12) My life is ruined. Advice wanted. : BPDlovedones (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/yf36on/my_life_is_ruined_advice_wanted/)

She left in July. One week after telling me I was the best husband/father to our son and that she loves me a million times over the phone. She switched on me on a random Thursday morning and began complaining about everything.

Today I found out that my wife has also been speaking to and meeting up with a guy who lives in this city. Our child told me that she doesn’t bring him home here, but meets up with him out and speaks on the phone and refuses to let our son use her phone as she knows he’ll tell me, probably. I don’t know why she even cares if he does? Who cares? Maybe I don’t know their names, maybe I don’t know where they live, but I do know that you cheat on me wife, many times, with many people. I used to care about the details. These days I don’t care about the details. Knowing what you do in general is more than enough.

So if you didn’t read my previous posts, I’ll summarize. I had only suspected back in July she slept with somebody else in this city, but didn’t know or have proof. I did have proof that in September she flew to another state with my money that she said was for her and our son’s needs and met a guy from Facebook for several days and cheated on me with him over there. And she went with my sister-in-law of all people! What a family! So I was hurt about that. Apparently the dude is still in contact with her too and likes her stuff. And I guess she likes him? She would like “twin flame during separation” posts and tarot card stuff. I guess separation was due to him? He’s the only one far away. This other dude is here. Well, she’s going out and sleeping with the dude here too. So how is she pining on the other guy and sleeping with this guy too? I’m confused.

Well she’s on IG posting this boss babe stuff and all these quotes and different things that. Motorcycles on highways doing wheelies, women rappers shaking their “behinds” and jabs at me. A few weeks ago it was “Don’t get mad at a girl winning with another man doing what she was trying to do with you.” Two and a half weeks ago it was “Stay single until God blesses you with a man that actually deserves you.” So I guess the twin “shame” and her didn’t work out due to distance so she became single again but then there’s this other dude here in the city? I never been so confused.

Yeah but the husband gets no love. The son’s dad get’s no love. Her mom is her God. Maybe I said something stupid that caused this, but really, to leave me for this? Back then I said on the phone (after her mom tried convincing her to leave me) that “everybody loves their mom, even if their mom’s are serial killers.” Looking back it was a foolish thing to say, but I didn’t think her mom could actually convince her to leave me. That she would actually listen. And her mom has been hateful and literally evil against me since day 1. I don’t know why she hated me since day 1. I don’t get it. But she did, so me saying something like that was just out of frustration. I always tried being nice to her despite everything. But that led to cheating on me and stealing from me and going around with multiple dudes?

Over a week later and I’m still wondering why she called me the first night the process server attempted to serve her with divorce papers outside of her mom’s house, where she refused saying “it’s too late”. He was out there from 8 to 9 in the evening. Then he eventually served her two days later and she got the papers but the dude never told me when I asked him how her reaction was when she actually got served. But the first day he tried she called from her mom’s phone after the guy left and I was wondering what there was to talk about but didn’t answer since she called from her mom’s phone instead of her new number.

If she doesn’t care and doesn’t give a damn about her husband and baby daddy, then why care about me knowing that she’s talking to other guys and sleeping around and doing all of this craziness? What’s the point to even try to hide it from me? Why not just say yeah I am so what? I’m getting a divorce anyways, who cares? Nothing. She denied the out of state guy even though I had 100% proof. And if I were to bring up this other moron, she would deny it too. I know she would. But she doesn’t love or care about her husband, right? Why deny? What’s the point?

Anyways we were in no contact for 28 days and today I wrote a little note asking her “Does this make you happy? Is this what you want? I want you to be happy. Let me know. -(My name) and gave it to our son to give it to her. I went back and forth 100 times about whether or not to do that, but I decided to do it. It’s her decision at the end of the day. Maybe call me crazy, after all she’s done, but I am in love with her. Before God I gave her my vows. I was willing to die for this woman. She birthed my child. She taught me what love was and made me fall in love with her. How can I not love her? I didn’t wanna file. I did it to see my son. I hadn’t seen him and didn’t know what else to do. She had said she would and sounded mean so I did it, but not because of her, but to actually see him. Had we not had him, I would have left everything alone and let her file if that’s what she wanted. I am still in love with her and the pain hurts. Time doesn’t heal all. It’s never healed anything for me. Nothing works. I’m just a living shell. A week or so from now I start a new job and even that’s pointless. I consider that nothing more than a way to “buy my son stuff.” I feel like my heart is still beating and I’m still breathing so I’m here. Otherwise I’m waiting to go to the next realm and be done with this existence.

Talking to new people and all of that doesn’t matter. I still love my wife and always will. So even if I did talk to new people it’s nothing more than a disservice to them. I’m shattered. I love the woman I gave my vows to. Proceedings are coming up and I am trying to remain strong, but I wanted none of this. I still don’t. I still love my wife. I just wished she loved me the same. Maybe she does deep down but can’t admit it? Maybe that’s what the posts and jabs on IG are for? Maybe her ego is too big that she’d rather the relationship destroy than to say she still loves me or attempt to talk? Maybe her scandalism is just a way to try to force herself to “get over me.” I don’t know. I really don’t know. It did nothing but destroy me. Imagining doing everything we did together, but with somebody else. You know what wife? No matter what, they will not love you like I did. I don’t care if nobody believes me. There’s just no way. I gave you my vows and proved it time and time again. My heart is still yours despite all this pain and suffering. I don’t think anybody else would be here loving you after all you’ve done. But yet here I am. Still in love with you.