I mean I’m absolutely miserable. As long as i can remember myself i never had long lasting friendships. After everyone’s reject in primary school i said myself I don’t need friends and I’m fine alone. But here i am, sobbing after realising I lied to myself for 10 years. I want communication with someone but every time i get into some kind of group i can feel how everyone doesn’t like and ignore me.
I think after just being by myself all these years I didn’t learn how to talk and interact with anyone. But I don’t know what exactly am i doing wrong. I have asked some friends what is wrong with me but all they said was “why do you think so, everything’s ok..etc” and then eventually they leave me. Help me. How can i know what’s wrong or how to learn to be nice ? F20 if that matters.
3 comments
Well firstly, as a 19 year old guy I can relate to this. Getting therapy at 16 REALLY helped me and if you can I recommend it for you. Also, I don’t know anything about your looks or personality so I can’t really generalize what you’re doing “wrong” or if you are even doing something “wrong” it sounded like you might’ve overshared a bit to these new friends about your feelings towards people not liking you. However, again I don’t know anything about you so it could be something entirely different.
I’ve struggled with that for almost my entire life. Were you bullied or typically the outsider as a little kid? Did you feel let down by people you thought you could count on?
Whatever caused it in your case, maybe the feelings are the same. In that case, the BIGGEST lesson I refused to learn was that having a solid emotional outlet is *vital*. This also means having a full schedule, crammed with things to preoccupy your time, so that you’re not always available (and therefore, feeling like you’re sitting around waiting for people who don’t care that much about you, otherwise they’d be wanting to talk & hang out more/initiating with you more).
Second advice is for when you’re actually with people and looking back and forth, and feeling that way. I think the best way to counteract this is by slowly trying to shift your thoughts away from “I want people to like me” to “I don’t give a fuck who likes me or not, because **I** like me.” This is easier said than done, but you can achieve this by
1. Cultivating hobbies & skills, in whatever areas you think you’re lacking/boring
2. Focus on enjoying what’s going on, the event or the conversation. Speak when you have something to add, without worrying whether it’ll land or not. Don’t go overboard talking about yourself and focusing on making people hear your opinion.
TL;DR the busier you are, the less you’ll be able to worry. The more you focus on improving yourself and spending time on things that interest you, the less you’ll focus on other people, and the less you’ll *need* attention to make you feel like things are ok.
Lots of good advice so far and I agree with everyone above.
I’d just like to add my experience. When I was in high school, I had no friends. I had friends outside of school, but in school I just hadn’t found any friends. I wasn’t ugly or weird, but I was fairly quiet. I found high school to be strange and intimidating. If we had structured activities then I was okay but unstructured time where you were standing around talking was so awkward for me. No one had taught me how to have a conversation, and it didn’t come naturally to me at that age.
My junior year of high school I found this ancient book of my dad’s, called “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It’s incredibly sexist and was written a long time ago but it helped me. There ARE strategies and skills involved in making friends and in keeping them.
There are probably newer and better books like that out there. The main thing I got from this book was understanding that conversation and people interaction is a skill like any other skill. Like cooking… it has to be learned and practiced.
I did make a lot of friends my Junior and Senior year of high school. In college, I had to start all over again and knowing the strategies from that book really helped me.
I also recommend the book “I hear you” and this article: https://ideas.ted.com/how-a-great-conversation-is-like-a-game-of-catch/
It may also help you to take some personality tests and learn more about who you are, as well as your temperament. https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/the_nine_traits_of_temperament
The more you understand yourself the easier it is to reflect on your own behavior and to understand others. Then you might be able to see more what is likable about you, and find people who will see that in you too.