My pretty new boyfriend of 6 months is on a trip and went to a club. The first problem was that his phone died, so I didn’t know about it until he got home at 4am and called me.
The second problem is that he just briefly mentioned “he went with a group” although the had told me he was with only 1 other guy.
I didn’t have an issue with him going but I would have liked to know about it, plus know who he’s going with. So I asked him 1) who did you go with? He said they met a group at a bar and all decided to go together. It was 3 guys and 3 girls.
2) did you dance with any girls? He denied this and said they just danced in a group.
He answered me but was annoyed. I feel like In a relationship, I should be able to ask who he went with. Also, this is the first time he’s gone since we met so we have never discussed boundaries regarding dancing with other women. So I felt like I needed to ask. But I’m afraid that he’s annoyed, and that I came across as needy. Is it appropriate to ask and is it insecure?
Tl;dr is it ok to ask who your boyfriend is going clubbing with?
4 comments
It’s completely okay to ask.
>But I’m afraid that he’s annoyed, and that I came across as needy. Is it appropriate to ask and is it insecure?
If you’re worried something happened or you don’t trust him then of course it’ll come off as insecure. However you also mentioned you never have had a talk about boundaries in regards to out with friends at the club so I’d give him some benefit of doubt and go from there unless he has given you reason to distrust already.
I don’t know if it’s a question of normal or not so much as it is compatibility and transparency with boundaries. Personally I would have probably felt similarly to you and asked the same few questions you did. My husband probably wouldn’t have been annoyed by those questions back when we were dating but plenty of men I dated would have been annoyed. The only way for you to really figure out if this is going to be problematic for you two is to have a more robust conversation about why you asked, why he got annoyed, and talk about what your varying comfort levels are with these types of outings.
To be clear- personally I wouldn’t find it problematic for my partner to have an evening like this, but the “phone dying” plus him slipping in there that it was actually a 3-on-3 group rather than the original scenario of him + another dude would have been enough to pique my curiosity and ask the limited set of questions that you did. This is something I would probably explain to him further once the heat has died down, to give him more context for what made me a little curious and see what his response is to that.
Yes, it’s definitely ok to ask. In fact, what would not be okay in my book is that you had to pry this basic information out of him and he seemed annoyed in having to answer you. The series of events here is raising alarm bells.
>phone died, so I didn’t know about it until he got home at 4am
In my long-term relationship, it would make me uneasy if he disappeared until 4 a.m. and went to a club without telling me. But ok, fine, I think this is such a new relationship that he gets a pass about not checking in with you. But in your shoes, I would already be a bit on edge and expecting *complete, up front* transparency once he did call you.
>just briefly mentioned “he went with a group” although the had told me he was with only 1 other guy
Oh heck no. He should not have tried to hide that he went with a group of women he and his buddies picked up at the bar. He was trying to get away with something here. If there’s an innocent story (e.g., his friend was insistent on going and he went along as a wingman), he should have been completely up front about the situation and told you without you asking.
>He denied this and said they just danced in a group
Well now I don’t believe him. And do people over 20-years-old really do that thing of standing in a big circle while dancing? That seems sort of unlikely.
>was annoyed
Yeah, this is not ok. He was acting cagey and it definitely seems like his annoyance stems from the fact that he wanted to avoid having to tell you something that would upset you. Since you’ve only been dating 6 months, I think it would be reasonable to give him a pass this time, but when he gets home have a talk about boundaries and transparency. But I also think it would be reasonable for you to decide that this is already a red flag only 6 months in and that this isn’t worth the trouble, especially if he continues to act like you’re doing something wrong by simply asking him about his trip and what he’s doing.