For context: this isn’t an actual serious argument, just a discussion we’ve had a few times and something we’ve joked around about. I’m really curious what Reddit has to say.
So my boyfriend (29M) and I (22F) obviously have a noticeable age gap. Normally this isn’t something I think about or something that comes into play in the relationship very often. We’re not actively planning to have kids anytime soon, nor are we at the point where we are talking about marriage, which is why this is more of a curiosity thing.
One time we were talking to a friend and my bf said, “I’ll probably have kids within the next seven years or so.” The first time, I let it go and didn’t say anything. But after he repeated the sentiment a couple times, I told him that if he wanted that, he should date someone his own age. He honestly seemed shocked, but I don’t really plan on getting married before 30, much less having kids. His side is that he’ll be an older father and will have less time with kids (understandable, my dad is significantly older than my mom and they had me late). He’s also worried about geriatric pregnancy, health risks, etc.
My side is that it’s my body that has to deal with pregnancy. I would also likely need to take a significant amount of time off of work just due to the body impacts of birth and pregnancy. It’s also that the timing of my schooling and work will probably not allow for children until I’m at least 30 (I start a 5 year PhD program this fall and plan to do a post doc (probably at least two years) after).
Overall, though, I think I should have the say in when I get have children, but maybe that’s too rigid
6 comments
It should be a conversation for you both. You say it’s not a serious argument, but if he’s set on his concerns then it may turn into one.
It sounds like on your timeline, it would be *min 10 yrs before children is a serious discussion. That’s a long time for him. So it may come down to incompatibility
My boyfriend is 46 this year. We just had our first child. I do often think about how he’ll be in his 60s when our boy is in high school.
I’m only 31. You can do school and have a kid tho, so, I wouldn’t rule it out completely if you really love this guy. He had better step up and help you succeed at your goals tho if you all made that compromise in the end.
This is a legitimate potential deal breaker. Some people are compatible but their paths don’t align. Sounds like this may be your case. Unfortunate but nice to figure out while you’re young.
You absolutely have the final say on when/if/how you use your own body to bring a child into this world. He has the right to fully accept your choice or to walk away.
You should definitely have a very serious talk about this soon, though. If you’re both dead-set on your choices, it’s probably better to part ways than to invest another 5 or 6 years before coming to the same conclusion.
Kids aren’t something you comprise on. Especially if you’re the woman who ends up with the lions share of the responsibility and impact.
If he wants kids soon, he needs to find another incubator. It’s not you.
And by the way? You don’t have to have kids ever if you don’t want to. Many of us don’t.
Not because we hate kids but because we are engaged in other things and don’t want to end up dependent and helpless raising kids.
Met my wife at 25. We decided to work and travel and then buy a house at 29. We got married by 32. Had kids at 38. Been with my wife 21 years. You have to agree on a time frame for wanting kids. Most people I know don’t have kids till early 30s anyway…