Hi guys, so this is my first time writing a post here and I am a bit nervous, but I really need some good advice, because I’m in a REALLY HARD situation here and in the past year I’ve been feeling so confused.
So, me (22F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been dating for 4 years now (we just had our anniversary this month). We both still live with our parents and are university students (he also has a job as a programmer) and see each other a few times a week. A little background for our relationship – he is my first boyfriend, my first love, lost my virginity to him, first everything except first kiss. Our relationship is pretty stable, we haven’t had any break-ups and getting back togethers, we do argue a lot but we find a way to make things up always. Through our relationship I’ve always felt as I give more of myself and put in more effort than him and have told him this a million times and he tries to put more effort as well (sometimes successfully which always makes me really happy and sometimes not, which really breaks me up).
Another thing that really bothers me about him is that he isn’t really emotionally intelligent and can’t cheer me up when I’m upset (we’ve had soo many fights and talks about that) and a thing that still sticks with me is a fight we had a few months ago this summer. So I was in a really horrible mood because I was having continuous fights with my mom the last few days (we’re in a good relationship, it was a temporary thing) and he decided to come see me and wanted us go out to the park to get some fresh air. I told him I was feeling very weak and exhausted but I agreed after he asked me kindly so we went to the park. My mood didn’t got better after his attempts to bring it up (I just know that he does the things that cheer him up and try them on me without actually thinking what I want or need and that’s why it doesn’t work) and he got angry at me in the car (we were going to his place because I couldn’t walk anymore) for saying something so stupid but just in a rude tone to him and we got in a big shouting argument about it as I was under so much pressure and emotion. When we got to his place I just laid on the bed and started crying, he tried to come and hug me but I just turned the to the other side and he gave up pretty easily as he was as irritated and just left me there crying while just doing some chores around me. That made me cry even harder to the point where it started to hurt. He waited for me to stop crying and then came to me. We tried to talk things through but in my opinion he didn’t understand the situation at all.
After that situation my behaviour towards him is a bit different, I am more passive than usuals and talk a bit less to him (chat actuality cuz that’s how we talk daily) and I know he has noticed but instead of asking me he just acts more friendly and kind. The reason my behaviour changed is that I realised that through the years I have grown mentally a lot and he hasn’t at all. He’s still the 18 year old boy I met 4 years ago. Don’t get me wrong he is intelligent and very caring and is capable of a lot, but he is so emotionally incapable to understand things, situations, other people’s emotions and even his own emotions and how his actions affect people and how he should act around them to cheer them up. And this really has been a problem in our relationship and also started to link other problems to this part of his character.
So now, about the other guy. Me and my boyfriend made a friend group 2 years and a half ago and been very close to this group that is mainly from people from his university (we’re 6 people). Me and one of the guys in the group got really really close and about a year ago I started developing feelings for him. I’ve always told myself that this is bad (because he’s a close friend of my boyfriend) and I tried to suppress my feelings and make them go away but they’re just getting stronger with time. This guy has so many common interest with me, we usually talk and chat for hours, we share personal things and try to resolve them together and he’s so much more emotionally intelligent than my boyfriend that I started to share my problems more with him. We’ve helped each other in many situations, he’s been telling me lately how much difference I made in his life and how he values me super much. We always keep a friendly behaviour between us but there are some moments that are so deep between us. We both make a lot of actions that show how much we care about each other and everybody in the group knows we’re close but doesn’t think more of it. The truth is I am not a 100% certain he has feelings for me or at least as strong as I have for him. I just doubt everything. And just to be clear I would never cheat on my boyfriend with him, I want to be loyal and I know he doesn’t deserve it.
The advice I would like is to know if it’s a right thing to break up with my boyfriend and try with the other guy ( I really thought of a relationship with him because we know each other for such a long time and think that we’re compatible), because I am seriously considering it but my boyfriend hasn’t done anything wrong for me to dump him. I know I should talk to him and tell him about the emotional growing apart, but I just know that it would just break him and don’t know if he’d understand me. I care about him a lot and don’t want him to leave my life but I think I could get something better.
10 comments
You’ve been emotionally cheating on your bf. He doesn’t deserve it.
Break up with him and pursue whoever you want.
Your actions will not only break the relationship between you and your bf but also him and his friends.
A relationship starting with that as baggage doesn’t last too long.
I had a similar situation (minus liking someone else). I felt incompatible with my boyfriend but considering he never did anything ‘wrong,’ I couldn’t find the words to end things. I think you need to start with accepting that you deserve to be happy. You may even find that he is happier out of this relationship, too.
Stop emotionally cheating on your boyfriend and leave him. He deserves better.
You didn’t tell him what you needed when you were low and blame him for not reading your mind. He doesn’t know, and he can’t help unless you communicate… Expecting him to just know what you need when you’re emotional isn’t fair, or a justified explanation to be upset with him. He tried in his own way to be supportive, and you feel it wasn’t good enough. He didn’t ask about your mood change because (again) that’s your chance to open up, not wait for him to play 20 questions with you. Using the excuse that he hasn’t matured enough emotionally because he can’t cheer you up is bogus, and saying you won’t cheat is a lie, you already have emotionally cheated. Do the poor boy a favor and cut him loose… You found someone who caters to your emotional needs, the only thing your main boyfriend can’t seem to give you. Go for gold.
You’re emotionally cheating which usually leads to physical cheating especially when you’re vulnerable. Us men can sniff out vulnerable women a mile away and take advantage of the emotional state by being what she needs in order to get what we want, pussy. So word of caution.
Now this is your first relationship and those don’t usually work out all the time. The guy could be great in many ways but not the ways you need and as time passes those needs change which is why people might have several relationships over time until they find someone they can spend the rest of their lives with. Usually once you’re older we still continue to change but changes aren’t as drastic so the final relationship lasts.
You have your reason for wanting to end the relationship. Those maturity levels you require haven’t been met and that’s reason enough. I would caution against dating the friend in your friends group. That’s a mutual friend. And you don’t need that getting in the way of anything. There are plenty of guys out there you could attempt to date. You need to take a step back from this friend to have a clear mind of what you want to do. The moment you ask him out, if he’s interested, it might break your group or confirm for your current bf you’re cheating even if you deny it. You could lose your friends group.
A few things – as has been pointed out – you *are* emotionally cheating on your partner. Aren’t you old enough to realize that if you’re not getting something from your partner, by seeking it out from another man, you’re cheating?
Break up with your partner. He deserves better than someone who ‘needs’ someone on the side to make up for what he apparently lacks.
Jumping from one dude to his friend in a tight-knit friend group is going to make everyone so happy. Oof /s.
For all of your comments about how *you* are the ’emotionally mature’ one in the relationship…are you? Your partner tried to comfort you while crying in bed and what you did was turn him away when you secretly wanted him to comfort you a different way. What kind of emotionally immature brat game is *that*? And then, you cried even more because in the moment, he *gave you exactly what your body language showed him you wanted*? FFS.
It’s really hypocritical how you are blaming your boyfriend for not being “emotionally intelligent”, yet you are the one unable to be honest and communicate effectively so you emotionally cheat. Dump your boyfriend and work on yourself.
You should start trying to see if you have any sexual chemistry with the new guy and if so leave your boyfriend and if not, say nothing to your boyfriend and pretend like nothing ever happened.
Remove yourself from the equation of their friendship. If you dump him and then try and date his close friend you are just making him single and broken hearted then soiling a friendship of his. Y
So your emotional cheating with his friend and blame your boyfriend for everything wrong with your relationship.. The second you started getting feeling for this other guy you should have distanced yourself from him. This is all on you and you should end things with him and let him know how shitty of a friend he has while your at it.