For a bit of background, we’ve been dating for about a year and a half. We spend anywhere from 3-5 days a week together, and the last time I had a night out without him was over 3 months ago.
About two weeks ago, I made plans with my sister (who’s also in a relationship) to go out to a Halloween bar crawl in a nearby city. I originally wanted to do it with my boyfriend (because we went last year), but he works a late shift that night and said he would also have trouble finding someone to dog sit.
Since he couldn’t make it work, him and I found a different Halloween party that we could go to together the night before instead, and I made plans to go to the bar crawl with my sister. I figured this was a reasonable compromise.
When he found out that I made plans to go with my sister, he became jealous and annoyed. He said he was just joking, but it seemed genuine. He kept “teasing” me about how I’m going to be wearing a sexy costume without him there to “protect” me. He’s seen how much I get hit on when I go out (including with him, right in front of him) so he’s extremely paranoid. He specifically kept referencing a bartender at one of the bars we’ll be going to who asked for my number a while ago while we were broken up briefly.
Even though I can understand his concern, I felt like he was being overly controlling. I tried my best to reassure him by (stupidly, in hindsight) telling him he could join us if he was able to make it work.
Fast forward to yesterday, he told me that he found someone to dog sit for him and he could make it out to the bar crawl after all. I asked him where he was planning on sleeping, and he acted puzzled. I told him that my sister and I had only gotten a one-bedroom hotel room. He said, “Well there must be a couch or something.”
I was taken back (and slightly annoyed) by him just assuming that he was going to share a single room with me and my sister. I told him that there wasn’t a couch, so he’d have to find other arrangements because I didn’t want him drunk driving. He said that he could either sleep at his friend’s house nearby, or just not drink and drive home later that night. I also asked what he was going to do for a costume, and he said “I don’t know, I’ll just go buy some devil horns or something.” I’m going as an angel, and my sister was planning on going as the devil, which he was aware of.
All during this conversation, he kept making “joking” remarks about how he was ruining my plans to meet up with another guy out there (specifically the bartender, who I never did anything with after giving him my number).
Now, my sister is annoyed with me that I told him he could come. She said that she was under the impression that this was going to be a girls night, and that she’s now going to feel like a third wheel, and I understand why. He’s come out with the two of us before, and although he doesn’t ignore her or anything, he’s *constantly* all over me which makes it very awkward for her (and me). Admittedly, I would also prefer for it to be a girls night because I haven’t gone out without him in over 3 months.
I have no idea what to do now. This is technically my fault because I told him that he could come. I’m almost certain that if I tell him that my sister wants to keep this as a girls night, he’s going to be suspicious that it’s actually *me* who doesn’t want him to come and it’s going to turn into a fight. But I also feel like he’s only wanting to come because he’s already suspicious. And if I let him come, my sister’s probably going to back out of our plans altogether.
How can I politely say all of this to him and not raise suspicion?
Tl;dr
My boyfriend couldn’t make it to a Halloween bar crawl this weekend, so I made plans to go with my sister instead. I told him he could come if he somehow could make it work. Now he says he can come, but my sister wants to back out because she’ll feel like a third wheel.
4 comments
>He’s seen how much I get hit on when I go out (including with him, right in front of him) so he’s extremely paranoid.
I grow tired of trying to explain to men that if they cannot stand having a girlfriend that others find attractive, they are free to not have a girlfriend. No one is *making* them date hot women.
You cannot make an inherently suspicious person not suspicious. There is no way for you to frame your desire to go out in a way he won’t interpret as “I want to do things I know you won’t approve of behind your back.” He already believes this about you. He thinks that his presence is the only thing keeping you from falling into bed with another man.
You can either tell him to stay home and deal with his jealousy, or let him tag along and deal with his jealousy. Either way, he’s going to be acting jealous. There’s no way around it. Do with that information what you will.
Other guys can flirt with you but you go home to him at the end of the night. It should be a compliment.
You will have to be direct on the girls night thing. You asked him first, he said no and you made other plans. You tried to accommodate him when he became free but that’s unfair to your sister and you got really in the mood for a girls night.
A girls night is distinctly different to a couples night and I always encourage my wife to spend time out with her mates. It’s good for you. Just like guys night the banter is different and you get to unwind with your best mates/siblings.
Don’t try and placate him with promises you will call every hour etc. You or he will end up ruining your night by constantly having to be on the phone. If he can’t stand you being out of contact for 5 hours he isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship.
Why do people think that smothering someone will stop them cheating if that’s what they intended anyway? (not that I think you do)
You’re trying to please everyone and you can’t. This is what happens when you try to do that.
Tell your bf it’s just you and you sister.
Your bf’s insecurity is a different issue but you’d better tackle it sooner than later.
I don’t think coming up with a lie or hiding anything would help, just be honest. Show him this thread.