How do you spot an incel in real life?

44 comments

  2. Through their words and actions. Simply being single or a virgin doesn’t make someone an incel. Healthy, normal, well-adjusted people can be those things without any negativity. The hateful and bitter misogyny, entitlement, and shitty views about women and relationships held by incels aren’t generally something that they hide very well, so those are usually the quickest way to spot them.

  3. Without being too snarky about it, it’s probably hard to spot one irl. First, they tend to be heavily online, at the expense of being out and socializing (hence why they’re often told to “touch grass”).

    Secondly, when they do have to interact with other people, they don’t tend to be as obnoxiously racist, misogynistic, and generally horrible as they are in their echo spaces online. Incels aren’t unique in this; most people with extreme views are usually at least partly tempered in their day-to-day in-person interactions, compared to their online personas.

  4. Unless I am part of a conversation with them or overhear them saying stupid shit I can’t. And even if I heard something I don’t assume they are, I have heard the same stupid talk from guys who were in relationships, so by definition not an incel.

  7. For me it’s whenever they say “women like…” or start going on about height.

    Women like different things and we don’t all love the same things. Stop talking about what evolution says because we aren’t cavemen anymore.

    And the height thing, they need to let it go. Times change and saying that women love tall men is just a very large generalization.

    These two are just huge red flags for me.

  8. they give me a major vibes of unattractiveness, which consists of different things individually for each of them.

  10. It’s what they say. Common phrases include:

    “My biggest fear is that tonight we have sex and tomorrow you accuse me of rape”
    “There is no such thing as equality”
    “Women only want xyz and that’s why no one will fuck me”
    “I don’t date because I’m not a free meal”
    “Sorry not sorry. I’m a guy and I’m gonna talk about have sex with you.”

    In my experience.

  11. If some news comes out about a woman being assaulted by a man, and they immediately decide to defend the guy, and look for reasons to not believe the woman.

  12. When you set any kind of boundary, no matter how small, how they react to that is very telling.

    Also, the way they respond to a woman who is knowledgeable about any topic.

  14. They only refer to women and girls as “feeeeeeeeeeemales.” They put the same effort into their personal hygiene as they do to their politeness, good manners, and common courtesy. When they’re scoping out men, they often mouth the words, “I could take him” while shoving another fistful of chicken nuggets into their word hole. Whenever they talk to women, they stare like they’re perpetually watching a photo finish in a hot air balloon race. They are unaware that women have eyes.

  16. I don’t think there are any stereotypical visual markers. You can’t just scan a crowd and go, “That’s one! That’s one right there!” And it would be unfair to do so based on appearance.

    It all is about conversation.

  20. You don’t have to. Let them talk for 30 seconds and they’ll probably tell on themselves

  21. They mansplain what women want / how women are + ignore anything a woman says that counters their statement.

    They slam and blame women for however they choose to deal with / survive / thrive in a patriarchal world, from preferring a specific type of men, to monetizing their sexuality, exploiting pretty privilege, to wearing baggy clothes etc.

  22. I just saw a Reddit comment on another thread where this guy referred to our society as a gynocracy. That counts, right?

  24. He’ll never compliment you. Hell find a way to short-change you on giving you props. If you say something, youll get a sad little rant.

  26. At the risk of being superficial, I think the questioner is looking for red flags. It’s the hair. It’s always the hair. If it’s a mess on purpose, medieval, entirely slicked back, or inexplicable do not proceed. Note: psychotic leaders foreign and domestic.

  27. Weirdly negative of the women in their life. Act like women’s lives are easier. Are mean or dismissive to women they’re not attracted to, but uncomfortably nice to one’s they are. Weirdly shitty towards “attractive” men. Has a complex about his height or some similar feature. Just generally treats women like alien creatures. Jokes about rape and gets offended when told to stop. Gets offended by boundaries in general. Believes false rape accusations are common. Talks excessively about “pretty privilege” while being weirdly silent about racism, sexism, ect. Fishes for physical insults.

    I’m sure I’m missing some and many of these aren’t diagnostic alone, but they’re a really good starting place.

  31. In college, I had a class with a guy who wore a fedora, had a neckbeard, and wore My Little Pony t-shirts. One day, he raised his hand in class to pipe up that “not all men” are rapists and how offensive it is for women to be so concerned about rape.

    Prior to that day, I thought it was just an internet stereotype….

  32. Listen to how they talk about women, and ask them why they just don’t date what they’re not afraid of. The blinks and walkbalks following are the tell.

    “Well women are all golddiggers and only want me for my money!”

    “They why don’t you date someone richer than you? Lots of lawyers around.”

    *blinkblink” “Uh… uhhhh…..”

    Next will come a cascade of their own insecurities. This will make them so uncomfortable they won’t want to talk with you again. Job done.

  33. Their presence is unnerving.

    Their words are uncomfortable.

    They’ll make “jokes” at the expense of women, and it’s only a joke through the lens of misogyny

  34. anyone who talks about or refers to an “alpha vs beta male” ideology. might not be an incel, but it’s probable.

    anyone who whines about what women like and how they do or do not fit the bill

    anyone who decides they know how a woman should or shouldn’t behave in any sense

  39. Just gotta pay attention to what they say and how they act. If they make broad generalizations and or act entitled to someone’s affections. If they say things like “women only want guys with money. I treat them well and they never want to date me” there’s a good chance that they are an incel

  40. When he is unable to interact with a woman as a person. There is only sexualization and weird devotion or blatant hate and misogyny.

  42. If they’re obsessed with Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan, that’s a dealbreaker ladies 💁🏼‍♀️

  43. I remember back in college there were boys who liked me just because I was a pretty girl. There were also boys who hated me just because I was a pretty. They assumed all sorts of bad things about me just because of my appearance. Those boys are the incels.

    Incels hate you because they are attracted to you. They think that attraction gives you some sort of control over them. They assume you will use that power for evil instead of good.

    Typically when someone projects that sort of thing onto you, it means that is what they would do in your shoes. They would do something bad to you if you were attracted to them.

  44. I think you spot it when you notice they blame other women for why he is still a virgin.
    Or when they generalize all women for one anecdotal situation they have heard about or been in.

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