Oh my goodness. I feel like I have to be a mom to my husband and it’s infuriating me. If I do not remind him about everything he will forget – doctors appointments, calling people back, etc. It is seriously getting to me.
How do I stop this??? I try not reminding him and he forgets. Then he has to reschedule and it drives me insane. Just be freaking responsible for your own things.
28 comments
Tell him to synch his appointments to his calendar on his phone and be done with it
The biggest thing is you need to stop taking responsibility for his mistakes, which is one of the hardest things to do when you’re married to someone. Because inherently we like to make things easier on our spouse.
You need to sit him down and explain to him that you don’t want to be his mother, and that from now on he’s going to handle his responsibilities or he’s going to deal with the consequences of not doing so, I would tell him straight up “ if I’m going to be your mother that means we’re not sleeping in the same room”
He needs to be able to take charge of the situation and two put in the work he needs to do to become an independent adult in a marriage. You have to leave room for him to make mistakes you have to leave room for him to handle his own things, like I said with my first sentence, you have to learn to not take responsibility for his mistakes when he doesn’t do what he was supposed to do, it is one of the hardest things to learn, because it’s not something we normally want to do.
Tell him to read this:
[What Is The Mental Load? The Invisible Labor Falling On Women’s Shoulders](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load)
Oh well then I guess he misses stuff 🤷🏻♀️
If you keep fixing his problems, why would he ever need to do anything/change?
Just stop doing it. Let natural consequences occur, he’ll learn eventually. You’re not obligated to carry his mental load. It sounds like it’s stuff that doesn’t really effect you anyways.
Just stop. Let him drive himself insane. He is an adult who can learn to manage his own life.
I would just let him deal with the consequences of needing to reschedule his appointments all the time and calling people back as long as it’s stuff that doesn’t effect the household. He can deal with his doctor’s office being annoyed that he keeps forgetting appointments. If they charge a cancellation fee then he can deal with that.
Hopefully eventually he’ll realize he needs a system that works for him.
If it’s not your issue and doesn’t affect the household, just let him deal with the fallout.
Let him forget. Let him feel the pain of rescheduling. Basically, you have to start from the premise in your mind that HE IS also a full adult, and treat him as such.
Your need to rescue him and your disregulation at his screw ups is an anxiety response. Your job is to learn to calm yourself down when he messes up his own life. Otherwise you two just keep enforcing the mother-child dynamic and resenting each other for it.
For a good short read on this, try [Everything Isnt Terrible](https://www.google.com/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwj60MvJoo_3AhVQPq0GHSIRCeAYABAEGgJwdg&sig=AOD64_1uxv28Y8EEPvzihwGNRPqjYJqmOw&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwien8PJoo_3AhXJITQIHRUAB7EQ9aACegQIARAM&adurl=)
Stop taking over and enabling him to have you to cover for him. If he doesn’t pay attention to what he needs to do and be responsible for himself, that’s a consequence he brought on himself.
You’re not his manager or personal calendar. He needs to be responsible for himself and see what happens when he fails to do so. It may drive you nuts but you cannot make him do anything. He needs to learn how to be a complete adult who can handle his own matters.
Stop reminding him. He’ll learn to write stuff down so he doesn’t forget.
Undiagnosed adhd or autism or an executive function disorder….? By covering for him, you may actually be preventing him from getting the mental help he needs to live his best life.
>How do I stop this??? I try not reminding him and he forgets. Then he has to reschedule and it drives me insane. Just be freaking responsible for your own things.
You stop it by letting it go. Separate out the things that actually affect you from the things that only affect him. Pick your battles and only choose the ones where he is actually making YOUR life more difficult. Him having to reschedule his doctor’s appointment has virtually nothing to do with you, and it probably drives him equally nuts to have you try to micromanage these things.
Not everything has to be done on your timeline. If he’s doing something that causes YOU to need to reschedule something, that is where you draw the line.
Can you also.. not… remind him of these things and let him live with the consequences of not having done those things?
Get him a pan er and write it all down every month so you don’t have to remind him
As someone who has trouble remembering this stuff…if it only effects him…let it go. Let him deal with the consequences.
I’m gonna echo what others have said here. Just don’t do it. If he doesn’t go to the doctor, that’s on him. He clearly doesn’t care, so why should you? If he misses an important call? Same thing. Not your problem. If it’s not important to him, don’t make it important to you.
Let him forget. Stop taking care of him.
I mean… who takes care of him at his job? I’m sure he does… he’s capable… it’s just easier for him to let you do it.
Is he under a lot of work pressure? Is this something new that your husband is forgetting? Could his forgetting be a health issue?
Maybe ask him to start relying on Google calendar? I love that app and it can be voice activated.
You just have to stop. Full on stop. If he forgets and has to reschedule, that’s on him, not you. Do you think he ‘forgets’ everything at work?? You think his boss stands over him all day and ‘reminds him’ what he is supposed to be doing? No, he doesn’t. He does this at home because he wants you to do all the work and the reminding. Just drop the rope and NEVER pick it back up again. It’s the only way.
Let it go. By saving him all the time he will never learn. If you don´t want to be his mother than don´t act like one. He is a capable and smart person, I guess he don´t have these problems at his work? He sure is able to do “grown up” stuff if he have to. Right now he dosent really have to because you do it.
Do you think he might be suffering from some mental illness like ADHD or Depression? This might cause a lack of concentration…
Sounds like my husband, whom has ADHD…
This is something that should be brought up to his doctor, it could be a sign of a medical problem.
If he’s otherwise just lazy, then stop mothering him and send him back to his mama.
Don’t tell him anything, he’ll understand later
I have this issue. It’s infuriating. My therapist keeps telling me to let him fail- it’s the only way he will start doing it on his own. We are the enablers of the behavior by constantly being their moms, secretaries, maids, etc. i haven’t been able to let go yet though and let it happen.
We got a whiteboard in our house and it helped out a lot. I am definitely the more forgetful out of the two of is and it helps tremendously to have something visual.
Just stop. Let him forget things. If you keep doing it, he will keep relying on you. He needs to fail to learn.
He can’t be responsible for his own things if you are making yourself responsible for his things.
Just stop. He’s gonna miss appointments and fuck up until he’s back in practice. That’s life.
Let him reschedule. Why are you upsetting yourself. It’s his appointment. If you don’t want to feel like his mom then stop acting like one. He is a grown man. Let his deal with his appointments the way he sees fit. So just stay out of it.