TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year but in recent months he has become more selfish, cheap, and less considerate of my feelings and I feel like when I vocalize it he doesn’t listen.
My BF and I started dating a little over a year ago, and things were really wonderful for the first 6 months or so. We live about 40mins away from each other and see each other like once a week. He was very generous and considerate and I really felt like I had my dream relationship when we first started dating. We had a lot of fun together and were always laughing and respectful and supportive of one another. I do earn more than him but we both make 6 figures and I thought he was my financial equal – therefore I insisted that we pay for things 50/50 but not “keep score” of who pays for what because I figured we both wanted to treat each other.
I recognized some of our values about work and money didn’t align early on in our relationship: I grew up middle class, and he grew up lower class and it seemed that he had a chip on his shoulder about money and automatically assumed people with money were bad people. I also felt like he did not have the drive and ambition to want better for himself and to “make something of himself.” As time went on though, I noticed he slowly started to get more and more “cheap” with me. It started back in May when we went out to dinner and drinks and he paid, and I thanked him for treating me out to the lovely night out and he responded with “yeah well the second round is on you.” At that moment, I told him that when he says things like this, it makes me feel like I am un-deserving of being treated out without it being transactional or that it implied I am taking him for granted, which I’m not. He said he was sorry and that because of how he was raised, he has a weird relationship with money, and i told him I understood. A few months later, we were eating leftover chicken nuggets, and I purposely ate the smaller one to save him the bigger one and he angrily walked over and told me to stop eating the bigger one and accused me of being selfish. That really broke my heart and I told him that. In the last month, he has continued to get more and more selfish:
\- He has started complaining about the drive to my house
\- When I asked him to split groceries with me when we were cooking a dinner, he said he didn’t want to because I would just keep the leftovers. When I asked if he was serious about this he responded with “can I at least deduct the movie ticket I bought you yesterday from what I owe you for groceries.
\- I surprised him with a weekend getaway and paid for the hotel and transport, and he said he would pay for everything else while we were on the mini-trip. When we got to the location, he seemed really hesitant to pay for any excursions, but paid for a $100 sweater for himself. When I told him that it hurt my feelings that he is hesitant to spend money on things for us, but will just spend money on things for him, it makes me feel like a burden and he said “yeah well the sweater is for me.”
\- He spent like 400$ on a weekend trip with his friends, and when I asked him the next weekend what he wanted to do he said “something that doesn’t cost me money”
\- When I invited him to come visit my family who live in a different state, he said “at least I wouldn’t pay for a hotel so the ticket would be worth it”
\- I get scared to ask him to pick me up/drop me off at the airport because I don’t know if he’ll complain about the gas money
\- I bought us expensive tickets to a concert, and when I asked him to transfer me the money, he seemed annoyed and said that he had been spending a lot of money with his friends
I have calmly repeated to him that I understand he has concerns around money, but that it hurts me when he makes it always about money around me. I also vocalized that it hurts my feelings that he is willing to spend money on himself/his friends but not even factor me into the equation – I told him I want him to spend time with friends and with himself but to not neglect our time together. I never ask for anything exorbitant – the only times I ask for him to spend money is on things for us to do together. And I never ask him to do things that I wouldn’t do for him. I am starting to feel pretty unappreciated and it’s really reaching a breaking point with me, because I have explained myself innumerable times. There is really a lot of good in this relationship. For the most part he is incredibly loving, kind, and in a lot of ways he is an ideal match for me, but these random outbursts (that are becoming more and more frequent) and snappiness are started to become too much for me to handle because it doesn’t seem like he wants to change. Part of me feels like he is just checking out of the relationship – which he denies – but I’m just not sure how to get through to him or if he’ll ever change? Any opinions are welcome.
15 comments
I think he’s shown you who he is. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who yells at you over chicken nuggets or absolutely refuses to contribute to anything that he thinks you will benefit more from? Because that’s who he is. He may have been trying to impress you in the beginning, but you’ve talked to him about this, and his responses indicate that this is just who he is. Decide whether or not you’re okay with it.
Girl, you’re folding yourself into a box to fit into this cheap little man’s life.
He’s mean about money. You’re seeing who he is.
This is who he really is. How he behaved during the first six months was the facade.
What’s worse is that he’s not *just* being cheap/reluctant to spend money; he particularly doesn’t want to spend money on *you*. People with ungenerous spirits are so unattractive. Every example you gave shows him to be unbelievably petty, selfish, and rude. Don’t settle for someone who treats you as a burden.
ETA: There are men out there who will just pay for things like your meal-prep groceries outright without a second thought. They won’t split it or ask to DEDUCT THE PRICE OF THE MOVIE TICKET. And they won’t begrudge you for having the leftovers or count how many chicken nuggets you’ve eaten. I’m extremely doubtful that he is in fact “incredibly loving and kind.”
>I am starting to feel pretty unappreciated and it’s really reaching a breaking point with me, because I have explained myself innumerable times
If we give him credit enough to say that he’s capable of listening to what you are saying, and digesting this information, then… He still *chooses* to act this way with you. No matter how many times you make your point.
You can choose to leave.
As a guy i feel like this post is kinda one sided. Im sure theres something else youre not telling us reason why hes having a little stress financially. Find that out and work with him if u really love him. Will it break your bank if you offer some generosity for a change? Is it really a big deal if he buys something for himself like you do with yourself on beauty products and other clothing? You guys are partners now, budgetting is a common norm in any relationship. Dont listen to other leeches here because youre above that. Youre making six figures, if girls want equal rights then understand that guys struggle financially too and needed to be helped by their partners.
>He said he was sorry and that because of how he was raised, he has a weird relationship with money, and i told him I understood.
You don’t understand him because this post wouldn’t exist if you did.
>For the most part he is incredibly loving, kind, and in a lot of ways he is an ideal match for me, but these random outbursts (that are becoming more and more frequent)
And for the most part, you don’t understand him because of this. Now that both of you are coming out of the honeymoon faze it looks like he’s getting more comfortable to show his less than stellar side.
He’s capable of being different but only to lock you in. *This* is who he is.
He’s regularly unkind and treats you poorly. That’s really all it is. And you should not stay. This is not someone you can build with.
Is he an only child? It sounds like someone’s parents didn’t work very hard on teaching him sharing…
Eh.
He probably isn’t happy with you, and no longer feels like investing his resources into the relationship.
If you aren’t happy, Um, leave? You don’t have to be with somebody who makes you unhappy.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you make it about money? You insisted everything be 50/50, and brought this into the relationship.
I think he’s handling it poorly, but I think there’s shared blame here. I get your concern with financial stuff…but if you really expect half every time (like groceries, but you keep leftovers?) I could see the frustration.
His money issues are ingrained into him. This will most likely not change. This will get 1 million times worse if you marry and even worse with kids. He will nickel and dime EVERY SINGLE TRANSACTION you make in regards to your house, food and kids.
He may be wonderful, but it does not mean you two are compatible. Find someone you are compatible with…
This guy is just a shitty partner. He wants you to accept less than you deserve, so he faked being a good dude to hook you. Now you’re invested he feels he can be his real shitty self and you’ll put up with it because, sunk cost, ya know?
It’s very clear that your boyfriend doesn’t want to treat you. It’s clear you two don’t share the same goals or views of one another. That being said, you complain about him making your relationship quite transactional and then proceed to list a lot of examples of YOU being quite transactional. I don’t think you should feel like you need to pay for everything, but I hope you’ll reflect on your own behaviors and understand how your actions (asking him to split groceries at your place, surprising him with a trip then getting upset when he wasn’t spending tons of money on a surprise trip for him, possibly even the concert tickets depending on how those plans were made) are facilitating this environment where your relationship is actually going to be centered around who is doing what, when and how much, and instead of things being a natural expression of love, it’s about calculations and payments every other day.
You can want someone to take care of you. You can want someone who *wants* to take care of you. But also understand that 1. He isn’t that person and 2. Perhaps illogically, being a woman who is focused on ‘being equals’ in a relationship, will actually end up more often than not in a relationship that feels very transactional.
Wait, he got on your case because you ate a chicken nugget that was *too big?*
You know, it doesn’t matter. You aren’t happy. He’s unsupportive.
He’s not fun to be with. He’s not likely to ever become fun to be with. You can call it quits.
No matter how many good traits he has, the bad ones are just too bad.
There are other guys out there who aren’t going to resent you for eating a fucking a *leftover* chicken nugget.
>My BF and I started dating a little over a year ago, and things were really wonderful for the first 6 months or so.
Can I quote yourself back to you from one of your own previous comments?
>I’ve heard that around the six month mark people start showing their true colours! This happened w my ex (27m) as well and he became more and more immature and put less and less effort at around six months so I broke up w him. He was not the person he presented himself to be. Luckily you haven’t spent so much time w this dude and are young you will find someone incredible!!! My current boyfriend drives an hour to see me each week – trust me when I say you will find someone who makes you feel worth the effort because you are 💓