Hello fellow redditors. I hope I post this in the right place and will be able to get some feedback.
I have been in a long term relationship (10 years, marriage) that ended in divorce and after that in a two year relationship that ended for about a month ago. I am 32 and almost 100% convinced that I do not wish to be married again.
But I want children. I have been thinking about some of the offers that are out there: egg donation from a woman, in-vitro insemination and then surrogate mother (different from the egg donor).
It has become more and more interesting for me, to use this option. If the costs do not exceed 200.000 Euro, it would be financially acceptable. After the birth I would be able to have a babysitter 24/7 in House. And family (mother and brother) would also be available to offer help, every now and then.
So, does anyone have any kind of experience with this? Has anyone here done this or tried this? What would speak against this? Are there any major disadvantages? Or on the other hand, any big advantages?
P.S.: socio-economical: 32 year-old, male, single, live and work in Germany, net income 5.000-10.000€ / month, depending on where and how I work. Alot of work hours 60-80/week, but relatively close to home. Working independently will be a possibility starting 2024, with the possibility of substantially increasing income.
13 comments
You shouldn’t have a kid if your live in nanny is going to spending more time with the child than you are.
While not a universal rule, the common idea is that two parents are better than one, and one parent better than none. Why have a kid when you’re not going to fulfill that role? If you can’t devote some real, substantial time to any prospective child then where’s the point in even having that child?
Why do you think you deserve to have children in a day and age where we are overpopulated as it is and there’s this many children in care, when you don’t have the actual relationship to make one and are planning to have other people look after this child more than you? You’re missing what having a child is supposed to be about. You are not entitled to have a child just because you want one. Sounds like you want a dog. Buy a dog.
Can I ask why you want children?
I re-read your post and I see you mentioned you want children but the rest of the post genuinely makes it sound like you’re weighing the options of buying a house. Not trying to be aggressive just wondering.
For the record, no nanny will work 24/7. They’re still employees who deserve time off and appropriate shifts. But people have children without romantic partners all the time. “Single mom by choice” or smbc is a common term used. I don’t know if single dad by choice is used but nothing wrong with being one.
However, 2 hours a day and a weekend every now and then is not enough to raise a child. If you want your genetic material out there, you can donate sperm. But it doesn’t sound like you have the space in your life for a child. Money can’t raise children.
I recommend the podcast “ not be accident” as a good window into deliberate solo parenting.
This is an option that Is much more acceptable for single women, so you will likely have trouble finding peers; even men who are widowed or have sole custody get some weird reactions.
If you have the desire and the financial means, have a baby if you want. Just make sure that you are having a baby because you want to get to know and raise an independent person, not a mini me.
No matter how many Nannies you can afford, having a baby will affect your life: your romantic prospects, your job, your living situation. Are you ready for that?
I’m curious about why you don’t consider fostering or adoption. (I don’t know country specifics). There are likely kids out there who desperately need the resources you could provide them. I know for some people passing on genes is important, but it’s worth considering
So… do you just want a kid for the sake of “bloodline” or a “legacy?”
Sounds like you don’t actually want to be a parent. You want to be like a cool uncle who visits the kid for an hour here and there and spends a day on the weekend hanging out with it.
Unpopular opinion: Its very important that a child is raised in a two parent household.
Doesnt matter what genders you are. Its very selfish of because that child deserves to have two parents. It wasnt their choice to be born, so you better give it the best starting chance possible.
Sorry for being harsh but this is very irresponsible.
As a former nanny and now a social worker, you should not be considering having a child unless you plan on making them the priority. That means reducing your work hours drastically and shifting your life around them. You may be able to afford a child, but you don’t have the time to love and raise that child properly. A nanny is not going to love and raise a child like a parent, period. And given your hours, you would need multiple Nannies. You will have a rotating door of childcare. That’s a lot of inconsistency and failure of building a strong secure attachment. Children need a secure loving relationship with a parental figure who is present. The schedule you’re proposing is not one of a parent but of a distance relative coming to visit ever so often.
If you can’t change your lifestyle to make your child your priority and their needs the most important thing in your world, then you absolutely should not be having children.
I looked into this, there are inexpensive surrogacy options around Europe. Do some searching, Georgia is a good place.
Please check the legality and common Problems with the conceiving method. I. e. getting a Surrogate and the proper legal stuff in order could be very difficult in Germany.
Warum nicht warten bis du die richtige Frau gefunden hast? Du musst sie nicht heiraten!
Es gibt immer eine vernünftige für jeden denke ich ☺️.
I’m my opinion you would be better off adopting a child that is not a baby. With your work schedule, even if you cut it down, having a baby just won’t work. They need around the clock care and you would need a nanny that would be able to take care of them when you are at work. If you adopt a child that is a little bit older, and needs slightly less attention, the whole nanny thing would probably be easier. Also two if you have a nanny, caring for the kid a ton, especially a baby, they will likely bond with the nanny, so it would be good to make sure that they are able to watch them the hours you need. That’s just my 2 cents