TLDR;
My sister has been a bully to me over the years. My husband and I have decided to cut her off for good and move on from her. My mom who has never held her accountable, keeps forcing me to bow down to her and accept her non sense because “she’s still family no matter what”. Not only that, there’s a virus affecting small babies in my area and I’m worried therefore don’t want visits. Mom is making me feel like crap for setting boundaries.
My sister has always been toxic and my mother has always enabled it. When it came to my wedding, she caused a bunch of drama, got her her kids to insult me and she refused to show up to my wedding and insulted my husband and I .. since then, my husband and I decided to cut her off for good and move on.
Since then, my mom has been forcing me to reconcile with her and to suck it up because “family is family” with total disregard to all the years her and her 3 husband spent bullying me and taking me through their narcissistic cycle.
Fast forward to now, I gave birth a month ago and my husband and I are happy and are opting not to have visits until our baby is a little older. Last week my sister called my mom and ask if she can come to my house to see the baby. My mom happily said yes and told me they’re coming over (for context. My moms house is getting built so we allowed her to stay with us in the meantime so she’s living at our house).
Now with the surge in RSV cases, I mentioned this to my mom and requested that she cancel with my sister as I’m worried about this RSV and my baby is less than 4 weeks at the moment. She said that I’m making her suffer and that she doesn’t understand why I’m rejecting family from visiting the baby .. I told her “fine, if they come make them mask up and sanitize”. She told me “that will make them feel uncomfortable and it will leave a bad impression.” She also told me “I’m not the only new parent in the world and he’s not the only baby so I don’t know why you think you can give us strict rules to meet the baby” . Mind you, this is the same sister who has mentally and emotionally tormented me for years, tried to sabotage my wedding and suddenly wants to be involved in my sons life. She has never even apologized for what she’s done yet my mom thinks it’s okay for her to come meet my baby at a moment when I’m anxious about my child’s health and even more anxious knowing that there is a virus affecting young children.
34 comments
Your mom can’t force you to do anything, hon. You’re an adult.
If your mom won’t respect your boundaries, then go you may need to go low contact. I know that’s easier said than done, especially if you’ve been raised to value family above all else, including self.
But even with that family-first-always mindset? You’re a parent now, and that little one is your primary responsibility. Family won’t take health seriously? That’s a choice on their part. Choices have consequences. The consequence this time is they don’t get to meet baby yet. Their loss. The baby won’t remember anyway.
I’d be blunt with your mom. Since she feels like it’s fine to guilt you, take the gloves off. “Mom. I will not compromise the health of my newborn in order to please you or anyone else. I hope you can understand that your grandchild’s physical wellbeing is more important than Sister’s feelings.”
I expect your mom won’t like that, but oh well. Too effin bad. Her job as a grandma is to put that baby’s safety first. She wants to prioritize her adult child’s feelings. That’s her choice. Consequence is no baby time for her.
And then you hold fast and hard onto that boundary. Lean on your husband for support. He’s your teammate here. I’m sorry your family is so shitty to you.
You don’t need to agree to see your sister. Tell your mom that your sister is not allowed in your house, and if she wants to invite her over, she can live somewhere else.
When your mom presses the issue, tell her no and it’s not up for discussion. If she continues, end the conversation. Either your mom will stop or you’ll eventually go no contact with her. It sounds like either outcome would be better than the present state.
To be clear: RSV or not, your sister doesn’t need to see your baby. You can and should put your foot down.
Stop playing peace maker. No, really. So what if mom gets angry. So what if sister gets upset. They are not the parents of a newborn. You are. Your job as parent is to protect that defenseless child.
Tell your mom that she is not allowed to invite anyone over to your house without your permission. She is a GUEST and she needs to recognize that or find other accommodations. For example, she can go live with your sister that she seems to love so much.
To both your mom and your sister, point out that RSV cases are causing infant hospital bed shortages nationwide. The annual flu is on the rise. Oh, and just in case that wasn’t enough, there are new COVID variants coming in from southeast Asia and Canada. They can call you paranoid all they want. It’s not their child so they do not get to dictate a visitation schedule. Period.
Time to shine up that spine.
OP you don’t owe them anything. Your priority is your baby. My youngest had RSV before she could roll over. Days in the hospital watching them insert a tube, doing suction. I can’t even describe how horrible it was to witness. Tell your mother no. If she gives you excuses tell her to find somewhere else to live. The only family to worry about is your little one. Enjoy your baby
You are an adult. This power you think your mom has to do this stuff…doesn’t exist. It’s time to stop being a doormat and stand up to her, for the sake of your family.
STOP trying to appease your mom. Stop arguing about it. Stop engaging. Will your mom throw a tantrum? Sure. She will be fine. It’s time to set some boundaries. Your mom is also living in your house, those are your rules.
If anyone you don’t want there shows up to your house, don’t let them in!
You need to protect your child and family first.
You are the momma bear, you are calling the shots. If your mother doesn’t respect your opinion, she has to leave. Tell her it’s your way or the highway.
Sounds like their both narcissists and they love to use the family card! But remember narcissists can’t love they don’t know how to because their above everyone else and thing their the best any everyone else is trash.
This is your baby and they will tell him awful things about you (my stepsons bio mother used to tell him his dad wasn’t his dad – he is we had to get a DNA test and we have full custody of him – she would tell him nobody loved him that nobody wanted him) as a step mother it was heartbreaking to see this little boy so broken, the years of therapy he has had to go through he is now a teenager who has depression and low confidence and hates himself, they will only do what they did to you to your son. I suggest you and your husband put a plan together and maybe once your mother moves out you get up and leave and consider cutting them both off, I know you shouldn’t have to and I am so sorry for what you’re going through but please remember there are different types of narcissists so do some research because their predicable and you can use that until you can get away. The 3 of you deserve your small happy family do not let anyone take that from you. As I have told my son (stepson he chose me to be his mother) family is who is there for you, who loves and supports you, doesn’t judge you, doesn’t guilt trip you, family isn’t always blood related just like me and him are not or like humans are to pets we’re still all family, we respect one another and will always be there for eachother. Sometimes family comes as friendships some partners who we later on fall inlove with and marry or stay with forever, you don’t need to be blood related and unfortunately sometimes you need to learn to walk away for you and to protect yourself and your little family.
Also remember your house your rules! Your mother is a guest and she needs to remember that. Is she definitely getting her house done? How long until she leaves? I know all too well how narcs love to lie maybe your mother lied to get to your child?
Your mother is where your sister gets her BS from. She’s just as toxic. Your life will be a lot easier if you go low contact with her once she’s out of your home. Eventually at least. I suspect she’ll show her true colors at first.
Your mum is living under your roof, so she cannot dictate to you who can and cannot visit YOUR SON in your own home. You’ve cut your sister out of your life, and your mum should respect your wishes. Please don’t give in to her.
Honestly, kick your mom out. Sister dearest can have her. Stick up for yourself and your baby.
Don’t be an enabler like your mom. If your sister has tormented your life, why would you even consider allowing her access to your tiny baby!? Not now, not ever, RSV or not. Your mom could go stay with her if she finds it just so hard to adhere to your boundaries…
I agree with standing your ground and prioritizing your infant. I would add that if your mother tries an end run and you are in a situation where your sister is at your house you remember that you are not stuck. You can take your baby into your room and close the door and text them to leave immediately. If you freeze up then call your husband or a trusted friend who can help. Family of origin roles are very difficult to navigate during post partum because you are vulnerable hormonally.
Your priority is for you, your partner, and baby. Nothing else. If your mother can’t respect you No contact decision then you need to do same with her.
Your mom only cares about herself and her WANTS.
If she cared about her grandbaby, she wouldn’t take a stupid risk. She would respect your wishes and understand.
It doesn’t matter if it’s family. Family can be very toxic.
I wouldn’t allow anyone to go against the boundaries I placed.
I know it’s hard, but your mental health is more important than a relationship with toxic people.
I had to kick my own mom out a month before I had my second.
She was getting high. If it’s in my control, I won’t allow my kids to see or feel anything that made me feel worthless growing up.
She got help and met her granddaughter when she was a month old. But she put in a lot of work to make that amends for her actions. I kept my guard up. If she had not done anything to try and make amends, there is no way I would’ve allowed her back in my life.
Don’t feel guilty. Your sister sounds mean and petty.
You not allowing her in your life is reasonable.
Your mom can go meet them and hang out at a hotel or something like that.
Your baby is not their concern.
If you don’t keep your boundaries, all they’ll keep doing is disrespecting you and your partner.
Why expose your child to people like that? Don’t feel bad.
She’s decided not to treat you like family fun the get-go. So why treat her like family now?
I’m frustrated with these people for you. Ugh.
Your concerns about RSV are well-founded. My kids all have it and thankfully they aren’t tiny babies so their cases aren’t hospitalization-worthy, but we have been to the pediatric ER in our area several times this week for other reasons and they are swamped with severe RSV cases. I work in healthcare and have nurse friends all over the country and all of them say the same of their facilities. It’s the worst RSV season in many years. Stick to your guns here.
Sounds like your mom is toxic as well. She needs to respect your boundaries and choices you make for the safety of YOUR baby! Rsv is extremely dangerous for young babies and it’s also going around where I live. My babys 8 months and I’m terrified of him getting it, so don’t feel like your worrying too much, it’s definitely a good reason to keep ppl away especially if she had toddlers that go to daycare or around other kids. If they want to come over they need to respect that you want them to wear masks and wash their hands!🤷🏼♀️ sounds like you’re trying to compromise and your mom doesn’t want to.
1000% feel you on this. My brother in law is a spoiled 25-year old brat that, in the eyes of his mother, can get away with whatever and my husband’s parents have been trying to force us to all reconcile with the same “we are family at the end” crap. My husband is the one who is always in the wrong because he is the oldest and we are expected to always put in the effort to forge a relationship with his brother, apparently. It is definitely annoying and I’m sorry you are going through it too. In the end, that is your baby and you are a parent and can have whoever you feel like have access to your child, or no access. Your mom needs to understand her boundaries on that one and her meddling is most likely just making everything worse (because I know it is in my case). I would definitely tell your mom that her trying to force a relationship between you and your sister is just counterproductive and, if anything, is just making the strain between you two even worse. You have to solidify your position as an adult who is the parent of your child. Your mom can’t make you do ANYTHING you don’t want to, and the whole “but what about the family” crap is just a tactic to guilt you. Don’t fall for it. Stay strong and stand your ground, or your sister will feel as if she can continue to treat you in any shitty way she wants to because she knows you will feel guilted into accepting it. That isn’t good for your own mental health and well being, which will also effect the well being of your child. Your child comes first above all and your new priority is your new growing family with your husband. Period.
How about you let sister come over to pick up your mom. Get her packing her stuff.
Tell your mother she is a guest in your house & act accordingly, you are an adult married woman & mother. Tell her to Ingest a phallus and perish. If she cannot respect your boundaries she can go live with the golden child narcissist sister. Your peace & safety of your family is priority over your mother & sister’s wants.
your mom literally cannot force you. you need to grow a spine…. for real.
As someone who got Covid in summer of 2020 and spent the better part of the past two years in bed recovering, I can tell you from experience that people will look at you as irrational for setting strict boundaries on protecting yourself or your baby.
Fuck ’em. Explain it as much as you’re comfortable, then make it clear that your boundary is your boundary (especially in your own home), and if that’s a problem, they can eff right off.
Hear me well: you don’t owe your health (or your baby’s) to *anyone*, especially for such stupid reasons as social occasions. At the end of the day, it’s never going to be as real to them as it is to you, so they can choose to either accommodate/respect your boundaries or break them.
Leave the house with your baby when she is supposed to come. Don’t let your mother and sister repeatedly disrespect your boundaries. Also, your mother clearly doesn’t give a single shit about your feelings and your boundaries, you really shouldn’t be letting her stay at your house. I think it would be best for your and your family’s health to tell her she needs to find elsewhere to stay and then change the locks when she is gone. Going low to no contact can be hard, and learning to be able to enforce your boundaries can be hard. I recommend therapy to help work through that if you can access it.
Tell her this is my family and my family comes first. I had to accept your rules when we were a primary family and now you have to accept mine. primary family = mom, dad , children
It is your house and baby. I would agree by waiting another 4 weeks. It isn’t like the baby is going to be full grown in 4 weeks. You already are gonna have your hands full with the baby.
This is going to be extremely harsh, but she’s not a real mother. She’s consistently prioritized your sister over your own needs, and now she’s willing to put YOUR baby (her supposed grandchild) at risk of a terrible disease, because she thinks it’s _rude_ to that sister. Give me a break! What about your child’s life?! Na-huh, f@ck that sh1t!
I’ve seen this BS play out so many times in my loved ones, from both my parents to my wife. Blood is not thicker than water – that’s just an excuse for your “family” members to keep bullying you. Nothing more, nothing less.
Sorry if I’m projecting my experiences onto your mom OP, but I simply have no patience for this sort of toxic bullsh1t.
All I can say is stick up for yourself OP. Protect your child from their toxicity. This harmful favoritism will not stop at you. It will extend towards any your children you’ll bear and anyone else they’ll associate with you.
Save your children from the rejection and carelessness. Cut them out of your life. They’ll have a better and more peaceful life for it.
Whether you do or not is entirely your call. It’s your and your childrens’ lives and relationships after all.
Your mom sounds like a ‘flying monkey’ for your sister. This is almost exactly what I went through with my older sister and my parents. I suggest setting firm boundaries. Your sister is not allowed in the house at all. If your mother doesn’t like it that’s fine but she needs to keep it to herself. If she can’t then she needs to find somewhere else to stay as she can not or will not respect your boundries. It is not her baby. She doesn’t have the right to bring toxic people around that you have told her not to. My parents made the decision to respect my boundaries of not talking to me about my sister and her family and to not talk to her about me and mine. It was that or they were going to get cut off as well for my own mental health. Our relationship has improved so much since I set firm boundaries and let everyone know what they were and what would happen if they were disrespected. I wish you the best with getting rid of your narcissist and their flying monkeys.
Your baby’s health is important. I guess your mom can’t get that through her head or something.
You’re a grown ass adult, your mother can’t make you do anything.
>Since then, my mom has been forcing me to reconcile with her
No, she hasn’t. You are choosing to reconcile with her. You are an adult and a parent: act like it. Determine your own boundaries and enforce them. This situation is 100 percent within your control.
Rsv is so high this season! At least here in the Midwest. Also your house your rules. That’s the end of it. Yeah that’s so hard to say to your mom but if it doesn’t stop here, when the baby comes , will she push doing stuff you and you husband wouldn’t care for? Stop it now
If your mom is refusing to keep your baby safe, she can’t live with you. Full stop. Tell her that no guests are allowed, and give her a deadline to move out. Your child’s safety comes first, and if your mom thinks the “impression” your narcissistic sister has of her is more important than your baby being safe, your mom has to leave.
OP, your post history is so hard to read. I had a skim and boy, I hope you go no contact with your mother and kick her out (and I really really hope you never did put yourself down on her mortgage).
You seem to have some serious boundary issues with her. I’m not trying to be harsh but I strongly encourage you to get her out of your life in a big way, at least for a serious cleansing period, and get some therapy to help with your boundaries and self worth. You have a baby now, you need to grow these skills and put your family (your baby, and husband) first over these toxic leeches.
Protect your baby from all the infections at that age. The baby’s safety is more important. Add to that the proposed visitor is toxic af it’s even more a no from me. And wtf?!? They’re not willing to mask up either?! That’s rude amd selfish. It’s a talk to the hand at this point