We’ve been together about 2.5 years, living together 1 year. My boyfriend likes to sleep on the couch occasionally. I don’t love when he sleeps on the couch because it makes me feel like something is wrong/we’re fighting even when we’re not. It makes me feel disconnected from him, especially if we’ve had busy days and haven’t spent much time together. Having him in bed at the end of the day is comforting and makes me feel safe and connected. It is also harder for me to fall asleep when I go to bed first and think he’s coming up because I don’t “settle down” until he’s there (not consciously, but just have noticed that pattern).
All that being said, my boyfriend just likes the couch. He would sleep on the couch occasionally before we moved in together, and it’s just alone time that he needs.
I totally respect that, and even though I’d prefer him in bed every night, I’m ok with him sleeping on the couch 1-2 night per week.
The problem (I think) is that I just asked that my boyfriend let me know that he’s going to sleep on the couch, either by telling me if I’m heading up to bed before him or coming up and letting me know/sending me a text if I’ve already gone to bed. My boyfriend initially agreed to it, and he did come up and let me know he was sleeping on the couch one night earlier this week, and I was totally fine with it.
However, we were talking about it today, and he said he feels “trapped” when he can’t do what he wants to do in his own house. He wants to be able to just exist and be able to sleep where he wants in the moment without having to let me know.
To be clear, I’ve never told him he can’t sleep on the couch and I’ve never controlled where he goes or what he does with his time. I have been upset with him before for not coming up to bed when I expect him to and feeling hurt and lonely the next day (hence, this “compromise” of him letting me know when he wants to sleep on the couch). Another similar argument we’ve gotten into is when he commits to plans with friends then decides he doesn’t want to go at the last minute and I end up going by myself. I’ve gotten angry with him about that sort of thing, and again he says he feels “trapped” when he feels like he’s not allowed to decide how he wants to spend his time.
I’m trying to get a better sense of where he’s coming from because I just frankly don’t understand why me asking him to let me know if he’s not going to sleep in bed with me is such a huge ask for him. I do believe him though that he really does feel this way about it. I just don’t get it, and I think I’d be more able to let this one go if I can better understand where he’s coming from. When I ask him he’s not really able to articulate it. He just says “I don’t know I just feel trapped!!”
TL;DR: Boyfriend likes to sleep on the couch sometimes. I like for us to sleep in the same bed. I asked him to just let me know when he wants to sleep on the couch, and he said even that is asking too much.
7 comments
Yeah you’re kinda controlling. Just let the man sleep, damn.
Im currently having problems with my own relationship and this is part of the issue with me and my girlfriend. Honestly, You have to give him his space. He may just feel like he wants to have his own time for a little while. I had to explain that to my girlfriend. She’s very affectionate and clingy and I love it but i also love to enjoy my own space sometimes.
After a long day of work i just want to relax and be away from everyone until I’m ready to socialize because sometimes i feel like i have so much time for everyone else but my own whether its work, family, friends and of course my girlfriend and it’s socially/ mentally draining and i just want to recharge.
Maybe he feels sort of the same.
when my eyes start to close and I start drifting off, it’s nice to know that I can just fade into sleep exactly where I am.
To me this seems more about him not communicating and not respecting that his decisions affect you. The sleeping arrangement seems a bit over the top on your end – but bailing on plans, not letting you know until last min, and then you are left solo. That’s- not cool. He’s being rather self absorbed about that if you ask me and would be pissing me off far more than where he sleeps.
but it seems to be a bigger issue of him not communicating with you and not *considering* you.
sometimes me and my partner sleep in other rooms – it takes all of 20sec to say – “i’m gonna sleep in the spare room tonight so i don’t keep you up”- done!
It’s not controlling as much as it’s he’s refusing to accept he’s in a relationship and his actions affect you. and that he *should* care about how you feel. If he wants complete freedom to make independent decisions – then why the fuck is he in a relationship? I’d be good money he doesn’t consider you in other decisions of his that affect you.
so – took a peak at your post history. Surprise surprise. /s. this guy is a selfish asshole. OP, move on. He isnt going to change. you can’t make someone respect you.
I think it reasonable to consider the practicalities of this. If he genuinely doesn’t know he’s sleeping on the couch until he is sleeping, then alerting you to it isn’t reasonable. You may try owning your own expectations setting by asking him before you head to bed, if he thinks this will be a couch night or not.
However, his overall attitude is still a problem. While your exact request here might not be one he can meet consistently, being *considerate* to the person you share a bed and a life with is not a “trap”, but a reasonable expectation. It’s merely recognizing that your choices and actions impact another person.
You should both be working to address feelings of disconnection and confused expectations. His stonewalling and throwing up his hands about ‘feeling trapped’ isn’t productive or fair.
If he feels “trapped” by a simple request to give you a heads up, then feel free to sleep in the middle of the bed. This is silly. He can sleep on the kitchen floor if he wants to, but by the same token, I wouldn’t want to be woken up or have my own personal space time interrupted if he decides to crawl into bed in the middle of the night. I’m a light sleeper and that would irritate me.
Again, he’s making this about not being “allowed” to when that’s not the issue at all. But if he’s going to share “his” house with another person, that means he needs to be accountable. Otherwise, maybe he needs “his” house to himself.
this whole post the only thing you described is how he makes YOU feel. how YOU need HIM to settle down to sleep. how YOU feel like there’s something wrong when there’s no indication of that.
it sounds like you’re clingy and this is his only time for himself. of course he’s going to feel controlled when he can’t just close his eyes and go to sleep without getting in trouble for it. look at objectively, because that’s what it is. he fell asleep on the couch because he was tired and didn’t want to get up. you’re upset and hurt by that because you’re PERCEIVING abandonment in the form of him not coming to bed with you.
it’s is not his responsibility to make sure you can sleep soundly. i’m positive you’ve told him about all of things that keep you from sleeping, which is manipulative in and of itself. “if you don’t do x, i won’t be able to sleep/be emotionally stable”, you’re putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on him and punishing him for not sacrificing his personal time to cater to your needs.