Title says it all. This story is super condensed, there was many more toxic things that happened.
I was with my ex on and off for about 3/4 years: The first year together was messy. I was unemployed most of it, and for a few months he was in another state. We were long distance until he moved in with me mid2019. Prior to him moving away, he had actually met up and had sex with a guy, which I called cheating. He said we weren’t official so he was allowed to do it (mind you at this point we were saying we loved eachother). On top of this, my mental health was terrible, I was smoking weed from morning to night. I was also on antidepressants that ruined our sex life a bit. He broke up with me and moved out December 2019
From Dec 2019 to about April 2020, we didn’t have much communication, until finally we started meeting up again for dates and sex. This was a terrible time for me, as I was doing everything I could to get the relationship back after some heavy reflection. I had realised I had made a mistake and wanted him back. This began a toxic cycle of me trying hard to get the relationship back, but subsequently getting hurt while he hooked up and dated other guys. We had good times, and bad, and many fights. (At one point he gave me an STI after lying about being abstinent). There was 1000 red flags, I didn’t see any of them. During this time we were seeing each other, would have a massive fight, stop talking, and the cycle would repeat.
Eventually, he told me he didn’t want to get back with me since his visa was expiring and eventually he would leave the country. He still continued to play with my emotions and toxicity ran rampant. At one stage, one of his regular hook ups messaged me just to say they were having sex. Messed up, I know. I was traumatised. Regardless, we ended up back together after both discussing the idea of a partner visa, so he could stay permanently. This led to us moving in together in 2021, adopted some dogs, and built a home (my first real home).
At the beginning everything was ok, however, eventually he began to manipulate me, gaslight me and would always tear me down. My mental health was constantly up and down, namely due to my ex. He would raise me up, treating me like a king, before reverting back to tearing me down only days later. At the time, I had no self esteem and felt that I deserved that kind of treatment.
Fast forward to late 2021 and I was diagnosed and medicated for ADHD. Suddenly my mental health was flourishing, I was achieving things in life, and I was beginning to look at the world more clearly. It was in early 2022 when I caught my ex trawling through my social media messages behind my back, reading every single message from the past 3 years. He lied and said he didn’t do it, even after I showed proof that the messages were accessed while I was asleep. Eventually he fessed up, but I never got an apology.T the trust I had spent a year rebuilding after his ‘cheating’ had been cut down. This led to me finding out he cheated on me while visiting his home country. He called me a psycho for my detective work to figure it out, and never apologised. He said I had ruined his and his families holiday. When he got home, I basically told him he was abusive to wards me and if he wanted to stay in the relationship he would need to go to therapy. He didn’t. So we broke up, again.
Instead of going to therapy, accepting her had been abusive and working on our relationship, he decided the relationship wasn’t worth fighting for. He threw away our entire life, as well as the $10,000 we had spent on the visa, and I subsequently moved to my old place.
This is a super condensed version of the story, but that’s the main points. The problem? I want to go back to him. It’s been two months and he has acted terribly. One day he says I ruined his life by cancelling our visa, the next he’s saying how much he misses me. After a few weeks I blocked him on most social media platforms, and was doing ok. But this week, it’s hit hard again and i have been considering asking him to do couples therapy to see if we can work out our differences. I’m not even sure he would say yes, but what I am sure about is that he isn’t worth going back to anyways.
He was abusive. He cheated. He always commented negatively on my looks and behaviours. He is a walking red flag. But I want to go back, and I’m not sure why.
How can I avoid these feelings? He is blocked everywhere, and we don’t have many reasons to speak, but there is still an aching feeling in my stomach longing for his touch. Please help.
Tldr; I have gone back to my abusive boyfriend countless times. I want to go back again even though I know it’s a bad idea. How can I stop this?
2 comments
Abuse like this can lead to trauma bonding, which there isn’t really a quick fix to. Forget the couples therapy, get a therapist for yourself. Also get workbooks, get a journal, get whatever you need to let off the steam of that longing you have (OTHER than actually having contact with this man.) Explore who you are and what you need, separate from what this abuse has planted in you. Learn how to accept and love yourself for who you are, and it will be easier to reject someone who doesn’t love and accept you. It’s work, it doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
In the short term, what you’re doing now is a good idea. When you feel that itch to see him, write down all the reasons you shouldn’t. Say out loud what he’s done to hurt you. Think about what you would say to a friend going through this; you’re better off without him, you deserve better, he’s bad news, etc. Say those things out loud to yourself as well. Do other things with your time. Whatever it takes.
You need to affirm to yourself that he is an abuser, and no one (including yourself) should be with someone abusive. You need to remind yourself over and over that he is the bad guy and wants to harm you.
In any situation, if you friend or loved one was thinking about their abusive ex, you’d want them to run as far as they could to get away and not be abused again. Tell yourself you need to continuously run from this person to not be abused by them again, until you truly despise them and want nothing to do with them.
The abuse has conditioned you to feel this way, it’s going to take a while to unlearn that way of thinking and feeling. You need to be very strict and repetitive when telling yourself “no, no matter what, I cannot go back, I cannot hurt myself that way”