Been dating this girl for about a month now and it’s going well, I could see it developing into a relationship. We’ve been having sex every time we get together. The first time we did I gave her a quick briefing about how I’m more of a “monogamous dater” (read: I don’t have enough free time to casually date multiple people at once) and she agreed that she is too.
After our third date I explicitly stated that I was only seeing her at the moment and she told me she had one date with another guy, which was fine by me, since I wasn’t asking her to be exclusive yet, I just wanted to get a feel for if we were on the same page.
She called me today (about 2 weeks since the third date I just mentioned) to let me know that she had been stressed this week because her period was about a week late so she got anxious and took a pregnancy test, which was negative. I told her I was surprised she even jumped for a test since I’m very safe with sex and there was no conceivable way anything that happened between us would have made her pregnant unless there was some kind of cosmic fluke, at which point she told me she had also been having sex with the other guy too, but after this whole thing she called it off with him.
Relief about the pregnancy test aside, we haven’t explicitly committed to being exclusive, so I understand what happened was completely acceptable, but I am still a little irked she was having sex with someone else at the same time as me. I’m 22 and have mostly been in relationships, so I’m not sure how to feel about something like this in a more casual dating situation. Should she have told me about the other guy?
I guess it’s nice that she “picked” me now, but I have this sinking feeling in my stomach about the whole thing now. I’ve been cheated on before so it’s kind of uncomfortable for me to picture a girl I’m into with someone else. I told her that I wish I had known she was with multiple people and she was apologetic. Never had a situation like this before. Is this a rational feeling or am I just out of luck because we haven’t agreed to be exclusive yet?
28 comments
a week is way earlier for a pregnancy test btw…. The box says something about a few weeks no?
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She needs to take another one in a few weeks to confirm before you get into anything,.
What I would do is ask her why she broke it off only after a potential pregnancy came about?
At your age I can understand it might trigger some emotions and tbh I think at some extent it always will when this kind of thing happens. However, you shouldn’t hold expectations of being exclusive when you’re not actually exclusive. So yeah in that sense it’s the latter.
I think you have to talk to someone to keep from your bad relationship which ended in cheating screw up your future ones. Since she’s single she doesn’t need to tell you if she’s having sex with someone else. You’re worried about “cheating” when you’re not inn a relationship yet.
> I’m very safe with sex and there was no conceivable way anything that happened between us would have made her pregnant unless there was some kind of cosmic fluke
Unless youve been snipped, you have no way of confirming this to be true. Even then there’s a slight chance still. Smart up kid.
Either cut it off or be exclusive cause if she sleeps with other people you run the risk of sti. Personally, that’s one gulage I dont wanna be a part of
Why is everyone glossing over the fact that he told her he is monogamous; she said she was monogamous and is sleeping around with people? She literally lied about having multiples partners.
OP, run far and fast.
Your fault for not using birth control
You never were exclusive and you all are young. I’d make it clear though that you expect her to be only seeing you going forward, and if she cannot commit, break it off because you have different dating styles.
She apparently is content to engage in high risk behavior. You need to decide if you want to have a relationship with someone who engages in high risk behavior.
She shouldnt be having sex with more than one person at a time. Thats risky for both of yall
Neither of you are exactly wrong. It wasn’t established that yall were exclusive so that wasn’t an expectation, but your feelings are also valid. Your talk about monogamous dating could have easily been interpreted as what it’d be once things are established to be moving in a serious direction. All you there is to do now is either to say you want to be exclusive, try to be in a serious relationship with her, or move on.
sketch
Just listen to your feeling, it’s way too soon into this nonexclusive relationship for there to already be this amount of dumb bullshit. She sounds immature/ reckless and she did lie already.
Hmm nah.
Okay, ignore these other assholes here.
If she is apologetic, keep her dude. But, if this seems like a common occurrence you know what to do.
Run fast and far. She essentially agreed to be monogamous and then slept around. She sounds like a real piece of work.
She told you she was a monogamous dater, then told you she’s been dating and sleeping with another guy while dating and sleeping with you. She lied to you, and she did it so very very casually.
If you want something meaningful and of value in a dating partner, run away from this one.
Dude forget her!!!!!! Not ok at all!! She’s gonna wrap you up like she’s already wrapping you around her finger because it’s not gonna work out with the other guy. Don’t be a fool. You are way to young to get involved with her drama like that. She’s not being safe and having unprotected sex with other guys. You sound like a good guy, don’t be taken advantage of man!
So you practiced safe sex and she let him raw dog her…. ~~oof,~~ woof
It’s not about whether she was seeing the other dude, it’s about the fact that she lied. She explicitly said she is monogamous, because you said so. She lied to you in order to make you feel good about her.
And then she lied again saying “I only went on one other date”, while she was dating the other guy too.
She repeatedly lied, and that’s a huge red flag
Personally if there wasn’t the prior conversation of you saying you were only dating/sleeping her and she made it seem she was only sleeping with you aside from a date (which I would think is dinner not getting railed) I wouldn’t be upset about it but imo she lead you on and lied. I don’t sleep with two people at the same time because I’d personally feel gross about it but also to avoid this entire situation. I also would want to know if the person I was sleeping with was sleeping with other people because there’s much more to worry about than getting pregnant. Trust that sinking feeling and find someone who isn’t deceptive.
I would have an issue with the person I’m seeing and having sex with also having sex with other people, and them not tell me about it. I feel like it doesn’t give me all of the necessary information to make an informed decision about whether or not I should continue having sex with said individual. I don’t know if she is using protection. I don’t know if the guy has an STI he is passing to her. Too many variables, and I think it’s rather rude to not consider the health of the person you are being intimate with.
My only red flag for you would be that she’s actively having unprotected sex with someone outside of a relationship, but again that’s entirely her choice it just doesn’t sound like you would be into someone who does that? It just sounds like you two aren’t compatible.
Also it’s a bit concerning that she told you she wants monogamy but kept sleeping with someone while you two were getting to know each other but she could have been saying that just to make you more comfortable. It was still a lie but I honestly wouldn’t read too much into that part.
Well it sounds like you said you were only going to date her, she said she was only dating you except for one date with another guy (maybe I am misunderstanding this part). But it doesn’t sound like she gave you any indication that she was sleeping with someone else. I feel if you are having sex with multiple people you should definitely let each of them know you are involved physically with others. I would be uncomfortable with this as well. I would probably feel like I was being misled by her by the way it is explained.
I don’t like that she definitely lied to you in saying she was a monogamous type of dater, then *later* let you know that’s not actually true.
Not only that, but *later* she fills in more details – she’s actually *sleeping* with the dude. Oh and *now* we find out it’s not just sleeping – it’s probably unprotected, or the protection is sloppily done, which means she’s been hiding this from you and *also* doesn’t care about you enough to protect *your* sexual health.
I know ya like the girl, OP, but these actions speak for themselves – loudly.
I guess I am old I only date or sleep with one person at a time. Maybe I am too old fashion I do not know. I just save all my time energy and money for one person
Just on this situation alone, nothing was technically wrong. It’s her reactions and her impulses that you should be pretty freaked out over. She most likely will cheat on you in the future.
I feel like she told you what she thinks you wanted to hear by omitting the nature of the dating she was having.
And the ‘but i chose you’ feels a bit, off.
Was it a casual one off thing? Was he scared off by the test, as you said it can’t have been you as you’re very serious about protection.
I don’t think she outright lied, but i do think she’s played footsie with the truth.