For starters, I’m 19, a virgin, and I befriended this guy on tinder about two months ago. Our relationship hasn’t been super interesting; but we both seem to enjoy each other’s company. I’m visiting his city this weekend and we’re going to watch a movie together.
I think I’d really like to hookup with him, but how do I even go about it??? I want to be flirty but I don’t want to scare him off because I enjoy being friends. He has to think I’m attractive to some extent because we met on Tinder and are still talking two months later LOL.
I’d really appreciate some insight. Pointers, tips, advice, things I could say to lightly flirt or maybe some innocent banter, whatever can be offered.
Thank you!! 🙂
5 comments
What exactly are your plans so far? Do you wanna stay at his place?
Talking on tinder already is the first step in initiating the hookup. Sex is the best when it’s open, clear and direct. Because you are a virgin it’s wise to take things slow and work up to what you’re comfortable with. Maybe you’d like to just see what a penis feels like, so you can start with asking if you can touch him. Asking about previous sexual encounters is also important. Because you’re a virgin you should definitely make that apparent, but also be informed about your partners sexual history. Communication is key when it comes to this. Enjoy your movie
Honestly, I would ask openly about whether they would feel comfortable exploring sexually with you. If they aren’t you can still be friends, and it may be awkward, but I think it’s good for a relationship when all parties are aware of what everyone wants and doesn’t want, and the honesty can bring you closer, even if it doesn’t pan out the way someone wants it to. And it’s good to state beforehand that it’s OK to stop or pause (and in fact you should) if one person doesn’t feel good or isn’t comfortable at any moment.
It’s worth remembering that the question here is more “What am I comfortable doing?” than “Is this going to get this dude into bed with me?” Because however you initiate, as long as he knows what you’re doing, it’s probably going to work.
As a general rule, guys in prospective heterosexual pairings are expected to make the first move, and some of us can get SUPER in our heads about whether or not she’d be into it. So when a woman we’re into makes the first move, that takes a TON of pressure off and can honestly be the sort of stuff wank fantasies are made of.
…for most of us. Dudes aren’t a monolith, and your guy is his own person. Maybe he’s super jittery about sex, maybe he as some very strict notions of gender roles and would react negatively to you stepping out of yours, who knows. But for most of us, just straight up asking “Wanna fuck?” is probably going to get the job done quite nicely.
Of course, if you were comfortable doing that, you probably wouldn’t be here looking for advice. Just know that whatever you do, as long as you can avoid being so coy that he doesn’t even realize you’re angling to get into his pants, your odds of success are REAL damn high.
So, options:
Have The Talk, the one you should get used to having before you bang a potential new partner. What do you need to disclose before you fuck? What’s your birth control strategy? As a virgin STIs aren’t really an issue, but I’d recommend making it clear that you are indeed a virgin and would need any new partner to go slow and take his time with you.
How about him? When was he last tested for STIs? Does he have any boundaries his prospective partners need to be aware of?
Note that none of this is explicitly saying you want to fuck him, but disclosing your stuff and asking him to reciprocate sends a very clear message: you’re definitely thinking about him as a potential sex partner. That’s as green as green lights get, and hopefully he’ll take the hint.
If you’re not comfortable with that as an opening strategy (though it’s a talk that needs to happen before things get naked), another option is to initiate physical intimacy slowly. This time, make sure you’re sitting next to him on the couch when the movie starts. Ask him if he’s comfortable with you snuggling up next to him. He probably is, so once he consents, snuggle up next to him. Is he comfortable with you putting your arm around him? Get that consent, put that arm around him. Get snugglier as the movie progresses. Hold his hand. Stroke his hair. Again, with all these green lights, there’s a good chance he’ll take the hint and start making advances of his own. But if he doesn’t, when you’re feeling it, just straight up ask him: would he like to kiss you? Because you’d love to kiss him.
And if it is indeed time for making out, from there it’s just a matter of pausing at some point to make sure you both disclose what you need to disclose and make explicit just how far the two of you want this to go. A conversation that might have felt too awkward just diving into it cold will probably feel a lot more natural when both of you have confirmed you’re physically into each other and now have to sort out the details of what you intend to do about it.
Or you could just say “Hey, look at the time! It’s bang o’clock!” as soon as you’re through the front door. 😉
Good luck, hon. I hope you can find a way to express your desire that feels right and safe for you. And remember that if this goes sideways and he’s making you feel unsafe, you can withdraw your consent at any time and bail.
You got this.
Make sure you have a couple condoms in case he doesn’t.
Set your boundaries beforehand and stick to them politely and gently, but firmly.