I’ve been dating this guy for 3 months. It got pretty serious quickly. We see each other a couple of times a week (both have children and busy jobs) and he’s already told me he loves me.
But I feel like I need some space. I’ve got a lot going on at the moment and my mental health is taking a battering. I don’t want to end it, I just need some alone time. I’m quite a reclusive person and when I’m low or anxious I usually have to take myself away to heal.
The problem is, he is going through a rough time at the moment. He’s having some investigations and tests done because of his own physical health and now his brother is very unwell and it could be life threatening. He’s very stressed and keeps telling me ‘he needs me’
I feel like it’s probably a bad time to tell him that I need some space with everything he has going on. But by not asking him for some alone time, I’m going to be damaging my own mental health taking care of someone else’s.
Does anyone have any advice on what to do in this situation?
23 comments
State your boundaries clearly. If you ignore your own needs to answer his needs, you are in danger of becoming codependent and resentful.
Tell him how you feel, that you are of course there for him, but that you also need some time for yourself.
If he throws a tantrum, he is not the right person for you anyway š
You do what you need to do to protect your own mental health first, before you take care of his. In the words of my therapist when I was going through something similar, āYou have to put your own mask on before assisting others.ā Youāre not good to either of you if you let the situation keep hurting you.
What does “space” look like?
Can you say “I’m going to let you deal with this until tomorrow night so you don’t have the stress of having to re-tell everything to me,” and take 24hours?
When everything else lines up in a relationship, timing can bite you in the arse.
Your relationship sounds like the poster child for bad timing, through no one’s fault. It’s just life happening to you both.
Life will not stop happening. This will be a recurrent theme. You can either figure out how to do it together, or walk away. “Space” almost always means “goodbye”, people will try to sugar coat that, but it’s how it almost always happens.
If you both want/value the relationship, you need to figure out how to handle adversity together, not apart.
Usually if you need more space, you see each other less frequently. But since you are only seeing each other a couple of times a week as is, I think decreasing time spent together any further might mean breaking up or at least de-escalating into orbit partner status. Which is completely fine, if that’s what your own wellbeing demands.
Him telling you that he “needs you” signals that he doesn’t have any support structures in place. In his situation, I would be turning towards my closest friends, not someone I’ve been going out for a few months. You definitely don’t have to assume a caretaker or emotional support person role if you don’t want to.
I donāt think he would be too hurt if you didnāt see him for a week. Have other plans and explain that this week is busy with some other activities youāve been neglecting and just be available and responsive by phone and text.
I know heās going through a tough time but he can handle all that on his own for a week even when he says he needs you. Reassure him youāre here, you just have to make sure to say youāre wanting to integrate your real life with the relationship.
Then go back to normal for a week and give yourself space for a week. Or see each other one day less some weeks. Just make sure that you carve out times where youāre not on your phone and not worrying about him. He will be ok!
You can still be supportive of him and support your own needs too
If my bf told me he needed space while my sibling was dying and I had health problems, I’d know I was in the wrong relationship. Just let him go.
Keep it real with him. If he honestly loves you, then he will understand that space if important to you.
Your needs are way out of alignment right now. You need space, while he needs support. Your priority should be your space, but you have to understand that this will likely kill the relationship.
Tell him in a nice, none accusatory way that you need some introvert time. Donāt make it about him because it isnāt itās about you and you Deserve some peaceful quiet you time.
Taking space or taking a break or āspaceā the wrong message unless itās just him you need space from. Most Women when they say they need space really just want to lay in the bath and watch a bunch of Netflix but they make it sound like they want to go partying without the stick in the mud but in reality they want to be the relaxed stick in the mud alone with a blanket, glass of wine some popcorn and something embarrassingly girly to watch
Bad timing on both your ends. Two broken people donāt make a whole. (Not saying your broken just that you need to come together at a better time) hope it goes well for you both.
This is a tough one. On one hand it’s only been 3 months, so I personally would struggle with being someone’s only support system especially if I were going through my own set of issues parallel to his.
On the other hand, if this is someone you see things getting serious with for the long term, this is a good place to try to see how it goes.
I think you need to be honest with him. Tell him you truly want to be there for him but you yourself are going through some tough times and you need to step back and take a few days to a week off from seeing each other. Set up some boundaries about communication during this break (like let’s check in once a day, or something) and then see how you feel after the break is up.
āI have really been enjoying our time together. There is so much I appreciate about you, and how our relationship has developed over the last 3 months. I both care for and respect you, so I need to be direct and honest with you. This is difficult to say, but I need to take some space. I have been struggling with my mental health, and desire more time separated. I hope this is something you donāt take personally, and I hope itās something you are willing to accommodate. I recognize youāre going through a challenging time in your life right now, too. Iām unable to offer you the support and companionship you may need right now, because I require more time to myself. I do hope that we can continue growing together in the future. Do you have any questions? Do you feel you will be able to give me the space that I need right now?ā
this is all just personal opinion so take it with a grain of salt but I feel like at our age thereās no excuse to not be thorough with communication. itās great that you care about his feelings enough and are able to step back and realize how this would affect him with everything else he has going on. but unfortunately you both have equally opposite needs right now and your side of things would be harder to force into change towards his likings than it would be to do the opposite. if you feel the the relationship is worth fighting for then you both need to make compromises. youāve got to be willing to give enough attention/time to satisfy his needs and heās gotta dial back on the smothering as to not push you away further. again, communication. at the very least if this isnāt something that be discussed face to face at length and both sides genuinely heard, then one or both of you arenāt able to even consider actually putting in the effort towards said compromises.
itās when people simplify things into just āneeding a breakā that things come off much more decisive and firm and not up for discussion as opposed to sitting down and explaining you need some more space and you care about his feelings. you realize very quickly if heās not gonna be able to give you the space you need at which point, go your separate ways. i would say put more effort into accepting his affection but in a situation like this and as your describing, you already are and seem to be bottling up some emotions.
vent this out to him at great length/detail. i would avoid a clear cut hard decision and a formal ābreakā if you care about him and the potential of you two, someone in his position and under those pressures will most likely take that as the end of things and either out more pressure on or cause him to turn his back entirely.
I struggle with putting my own need and emotions before an uncommitted, new partner who I’m still getting to know. In fact, I’m going through it right now and am learning, OH! I have to consider how I feel first.
What has been helping me is to remember: To thine own self, be true.
Do what’s true and in alignment for you. If you need time to take a step back, I don’t think there’s any harm in expressing that need to him. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll understand.
Also, it’s possible he’s leaning on you too much. Whenever guys start to do this to me, I shut down and mention therapy every time. I’m happy to listen to people talk and give advice as needed but I’m not a live-in therapist.
I think you need to dump him.
It’s absolutely unfair to ask him to put things on hold for you.
This relationship probably is effectively over. But if you need space you need it.
From his POV you are leaving him in a rough time. People tend to use situations like this to see if you would be a good lifetime partner and your cards are gonna likely be read here. But if you need space get it. Sucks though.
I think my life is my adventure. go around and sightseeing.
Your needs and his needs sound very different. He needs people and comfort to feel okay and safe in stress, you need to be alone and recharge and process things yourself. If you’re unable to be there for him right now, it’s okay. Tell him you’re emotionally/mentally drained and you need some time to recover. It’s not a break or a split, it’s a “I need to care for myself for a little while.” You csn explain introvert vs extrovert needs if it helps him. He might get upset you can’t be there for him to lean on right now. Doesn’t mean you don’t care, you just need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so you don’t crumble.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm
Use the word āpaceā instead of space. āCould we Slow the paceā, this way itās describing an ongoing motion instead of space (which tend to lend itself to a stop of some sort).
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Do you feel like you love him too?
I recognise the situation of being in early stages of dating, and the man wanting to spend every evening together.
For me it didnāt end well when I said I needed space.
Just what I have learned:
Boundaries and personal space are really really important.
If someone comes too close for comfort it can mean it triggers misery from the past, and with that a fear of commitment. While the other in that situation usually has a fear of abandonment.
He needs some extra help with dealing with all of his pain, and you are not a therapist, and you are not there to numb the pain.
And now you are, in a way.
And it would be different if you were together for years, but you are very much in the early stages, and maybe look up codependency to see where all of this can lead to.
On a practical term. What if you build in some space. When he asks; say youāll meet the day after, or the day after that.
Because you need time to sort the kids/administration/shop/housework. (And my goodness there always is so much to do)
While making sure you do have things planned. And you gently say that he needs some extra help, because you feel like this is out of your league to help him.
I wish you both well. ššøāŗļø