Hey all, I was hoping to get some outside opinions on this because I’m not sure that I’m thinking clearly after the conversation I just had.
TA for privacy reasons. Please forgive my formatting.
My SO (27M) and I (28F) have been together for about 2.5 years. About six months ago, he moved into my house. Prior to that, he had moved back in with his dad and was there for about 3-4 months while trying to find a place to buy rather than renting again. Anyhow, him and his dad had it out and his dad ‘gave’ all of my SO’s guns to his neighbors.
Or so I was told.
Anyhow, I live in a neighborhood where cars are broken into regularly and he has been parking his truck in the garage. About a week ago, he had to park his truck outside for 3 nights. So, on the third night, I was picking up around the house and moved his clothes off the bedside table and found myself looking at this gun. Unloaded with bullets right next to it. I asked him where he got it and why it was in the house and he explained that it was his and he was worried about the truck being broken into and it getting stolen.
What has been bothering me is that he brought this gun in and hid it for two nights without telling me about it. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it, he told me that it was no big deal because it was unloaded. Still, he had strategically placed his clothes over it so that I wouldn’t see it (he never puts clothes were I picked them up from to find the gun). I’ve never had an issue with guns in other houses but I think that it is fair of me to say that if one gets brought into my house and I am basically sleeping next to it, I want to know about it. I want that communication. Also, the gun is unlicensed because of some soft of inheritance deal (I am not sure how this works).
This morning, we had a conversation about trust where he basically pointed out that he still does not trust me due to past experiences. Okay, that hurts but I can let that rest because trauma messes people up like that. It does, sometimes, feel like he is looking for reasons to not trust me and that he’s always suspicious, no matter how much I share with him. After he started telling me he doesn’t trust me, I brought up the fact that trust is a two way street and bringing that gun in, hiding it, and then making fun of me for getting upset that it was right next to the bed without me knowing about it was a breach to the trust I had in him. He dismissed me and left for work for the day.
I’m quite disheartened over the whole thing and am thinking about breaking up with him at this point over the trust thing and the gun. I’ve tried to be patient but dating for 2.5 years, still no trust on his side, and then the gun thing is really starting to wear on me.
So, Reddit, am I overreacting over this whole gun thing? Again, I don’t mind guns but my issue here is that he brought it in the way that he did. Thanks for reading and for your opinions!
I’m not sure if this is helpful but he says he does not trust me because I used to manage a bar/bartend; thinks I will cheat on him even though I haven’t sent a flirty text to anybody but him in years; and claims he never knows where I am despite the fact that I really only go three places and follow a schedule.
TL;DR! So brings gun into my house, hides it, then wants to tell me he doesn’t trust me but thinks it’s crazy when I tell him that the gun was a breach of privacy.
9 comments
Id leave. If you can’t trust me after 2.5 years. Then you wont ever trust me.
He needs to go get help for his issues.
Better question: why are you tolerating this?
Absolutely break up worthy. He doesn’t trust you and dismissed your concerns. Please don’t waste any more time with this man.
So… I’m not in the US, so I recognize that culture around guns is very different… but… he’s saying that his response to his car potentially getting stolen would be to shoot someone?! Or escalate and confront the person with a gun (who may also have a gun?)?! Rather than… yanno… just letting it happen and filing an insurance claim?
Personally, I find that extremely alarming.
And does he have reasons to believe his car would be stolen? Do you live in a bad neighborhood where this happens regularly? Or is he being a little paranoid and a little jumpy?
Layer that with the fact that he doesn’t trust you after 2.5 years when you’ve given him no reason to question it…
From where I’m sitting, I’m reading this as a little conspiracy-theory, jumpy, on-edge and then you are throwing guns on top of that… I’d be running a mile, personally.
… but maybe there is a cultural element here that makes this more acceptable… but this would freak me right the heck out!
Let’s see so he tells you his dad “gave all his guns away”.
He brings a gun into the home he shares with you without notifying you and without securing the weapon properly, like in a safe or at least in a drawer where someone is less likely to “happen on it”.
He also has a gun in the house that wasn’t transferred correctly, is what I’m reading. There is a legal way of transferring a gun from one owner to another, even when it’s an “inheritance” situation.
Does he have a carry permit? Because carrying a gun around in your truck with no permit is a really. bad. idea.
And *he* doesn’t trust *you*?
The *only* thing he’s done right here is not leave the gun in the truck because that’s irresponsible.
You’re under-reacting. You don’t bring guns into the house without consulting the other person who lives there. Period. He’s not partner material.
Canadian here, I will never understand the American attitude toward casually keeping handguns (I’m guessing it’s a handgun if it was that easy to hide) unlocked and out in the open either loaded or with readily accessible ammo. First, it would be illegal for us to have guns lying around that weren’t double-locked (trigger lock and in a locked cabinet), and even if it were, his sticking it under a pile of clothes violates so many safe storage principles it’s not even funny. Also, his “it’s not loaded” argument is BS; you should ALWAYS assume a firearm is loaded until you have inspected it personally. He’s not a responsible gun owner by any stretch of the imagination. Coupled with the belief that you’re one step away from cheating on him, I would consider this man actively dangerous to be in a relationship with. Please consider your options and be safe.
Hi OP, fellow American here. Listen to me, this man is dangerous like hella dangerous.
His father gave away all his guns, he has this other gun that he kept hidden from you and also improperly stored in your house.
He constantly says he doesn’t trust you and wants to track you. Bartending does not mean you’re not trustworthy, being a sex worker does not mean you are untrustworthy.
This man is scary dangerous. You need to break up with him in a public space with a trusted friend as a witness.
Also, I don’t know if this is an option for you but please consider therapy. Otherwise you will keep repeating this pattern of choosing poor partners.
Why would you stay with someone who ever said based on your past JOB they don’t trust you?
Why is him having an unsecured gun not an immediate “oh snap! We need to break up” moment?
I’d look at past relationships and see if they’re similar and also your childhood for patterns. Like, partners who don’t trust you, partners who gaslight you, partners who insinuate they’re capable of violence while making you question your judgement, partners who insist you forgive against your better judgment or who always turn the tables against you.
And this isn’t just about romantic partnerships OP, look at your friendships as well. Do certain “best” friends gaslight you into thinking your concerns aren’t valid?
say you’re being dramatic, demand your emotional labor while never providing the same for you, make you feel unlovable or too “picky” when it comes to dating and partner choices. I recommend looking into the better help app for affordable therapy options.
Back to your current partner this man is eventually going to hurt you. Please keep yourself safe.
Not overreacting. If I read correctly, he moved into your house? Time to serve him with an eviction and file a police report for the hidden weapon in YOUR house.
52m here. Gun-owner, located in the US.
First of all, if he doesn’t trust you after 2.5 years, he has a problem. The kind that is probably beyond your ability to fix.
Second, no one should bring a gun into another person’s house without permission. Gun culture or not. And certainly you don’t hide under a pile of clothes! My wife and keep our firearms (only 2) in a gun safe along with the ammunition. A responsible gun-owner should obey the local laws on permits and licenses.
Third, the fact he just “dismissed” you and left is a red flag. It really speaks to his respect for you.
Should you break up with him? I’ll leave that to you to decide. However, I do believe you are justified. If you are reluctant to end it with him I suggest encouraging him to get therapy for his trust problems. Additionally, he could very easily get his pistol registered and store it in a gun-safe next to the bed. There are even quick open safes with code or fingerprint locks.
Good luck to you.