So I met this woman at my gym and after seeing me there a couple times she asked if I could help her track her workouts as she writes everything in a notebook and has drawn a pretty sophisticated grid on the pages that tracks what she does. I could tell pretty quickly that she was probably on the spectrum as she was kind of rude (in an unintentional way) in the way she spoke and has never thanked me for helping her, which I don’t mind. I am always glad to help people at the gym.
Anyway I will see her there from time to time and say hello and help her if she needs it. Then this week she asked if I wanted to go on a date. I said yes as I do find her physically attractive and quite interesting and worst case scenario if it doesn’t work out, we can at least have a fun time. So we exchanged numbers and have texted a little.
Then today she settled on a sushi place that’s near her apartment and then asked me “Are you bringing condoms or should I go buy some before our date tomorrow?” I was a little taken aback and said “I don’t have sex on a first date so no need to worry about that.” She then responded “I will buy some just in case as I REALLY would like to have sex after.”
Now I am a bit uncomfortable and not sure what to do. I really was just looking forward to dinner and getting to know her better and don’t want to have sex with her as I hardly know her. I think the best thing to do is tell her I don’t want to go on the date and tell her why directly as that’s how she communicates with me but I worry that might make her feel bad as she probably doesn’t know any better that those texts come off pretty strong. I guess it’s hard to say sense I don’t know where on the spectrum she is but she works and lives on her own so I assume she’s highly functioning. Any advice on what to do would be very helpful. Thanks!
6 comments
It’s risky business, but you can bail at any point.
I think that’s a great idea: just tell her specifically
1. that you don’t want to go, and why,
OR
2. That you can only go on the condition that you don’t have sex. Because you have a personal rule that you don’t do that on the first date, and not until you’re ready.
It sounds as though if you’re going to date her, you’re going to have to start expressing your boundaries directly, clearly, and early. And possibly repeating them at times.
She is just being open about what she wants. You won’t get to know her better unless you go on the date… you don’t have to have sex with her yet just because she wants to.
I would cancel the date and say your not interested.
(I’m just going off if it was a guy (autistic or not) saying that to me….I would have a bad taste in my mouth about it.)
I’m sorry, we autistic people are straight up telling you what we think. Can come off in the wrong way. Just tell her honestly what you are feeling, like how she told you she really wanted sex
Everyone should be as open and honest as her in my opinion. Then people wouldn’t waste months pussyfooting round only to be disappointed and angry when they’ve misread the mixed signals or games the other person has played.
Just tell her back “that’s a shame. I like you and want to get to know you but I’m not into sex on a first date. It’s just who I am. If you still want to grab food, I’m happy to do that, but if not then thank you for your honesty”