I (33F) have been seeing a man (42) for over a year.
I love him. I want to move forward with him.
My critical challenge is that he is so ruled by fear and anxiety that he puts all kind of obstacles in our path.
He behaved this way with his ex-girlfriend of five years before. Things finally ended between them in part because she got tired of waiting around, which I completely get.
He says things like:
“I want to get married and have kids, but I want to get it right and I don’t want to get divorced.”
“I’ve loved you for a really long time, but I was scared to say it.”
“I’m afraid that if this relationship does end, you will move on and be just fine and I will end up alone. Sometimes I feel like I’m unattractive and undesirable.”
—
Y’all, I love this man, but I’m tired of putting in so much energy and feeling confused. It’s been a push and pull of us getting closer and bonding, and then him throwing up all kinds of barriers whenever we come to those milestones (DTR, one year together, saying I love you). It’s killing my joy.
I told him this week, “My life is precious. I’m not going to date you for five years and not be married. It will become evident to me—sooner rather than later—that this is going to work or it isn’t, and I have peace and clarity that I’m ready to meet either outcome. That’s not an ultimatum. That’s me telling you that this pattern you have and how it’s making me feel is not sustainable, and some of these things are your work to do. I don’t want to walk away, but I will if I need to.”
I don’t get being so afraid that you don’t live your life.
I don’t understand him not being tired enough to do something different. These behaviors obviously aren’t working to help him get what he SAYS he wants. I’M tired of his fear, how is he not?
But I do understand he is not my project.
I was talking with my brother (31) last week. His girlfriend of two years lives in another country and they are working in earnest for her to come here. I found his clarity and maturity and commitment to her so refreshing and I’m so happy for him. I shared some of my challenges and he said, “Look, he’s 42. He should know what he wants. You’re 33. You should know what you want, and I think you do. So if he’s not meeting your needs, someone else will.”
Just processing this and wondering if others have been on either end of this dynamic.
TL;DR
My partner has a pattern of creating friction at relationship milestones because of fear and anxiety about how things might end up.
If you’re the one who’s afraid, are you still? Did you work on it and with it? Or did you let it become insurmountable?
If you’ve been in my shoes, did things improve for you or did you walk away?
EDIT: Thank you for your comments so far.
My partner has been in therapy for most of the year+ we’ve been together. Took a break for a few months and just resumed.
I’m in therapy too and have been consistently for the last three years. It’s definitely helped me a lot—I feel like I’ve processed a lot of my own experiences and I have many healthy relationships in my life.
4 comments
Ultimately, he needs to figure out or be taught some coping strategies to deal with and lessen his anxiety. If he’s never once made any kind of effort to begin this process, then I’m going to say that you’re wasting your time.
Whenever I’ve said, “I want to, but…”, 99% of the time I don’t *really* want to.
You say you understand he’s not your project. So why are you posting this as if he were your project?
His ability to manage his mind is *his* problem. As far as what *you* should do: “So, how was therapy today?”
Because the way your comments here make it sound, he’s not all that invested in his therapy. He jumps in and out of therapy as if it’s Tylenol. He’s feeling better, travelling … so why not stop therapy, even though things haven’t been resolved (or at least located in a way that triggers and response strategies can be identified)? What would sound better is if he was going to be travelling … and was having remote sessions with his therapist, working on a particular set of exercises while away … that sort of thing. That he would do a couple months of therapy and then stop without some concrete plans doesn’t speak well for his interest in following through.
>I don’t understand him not being tired enough to do something different. These behaviors obviously aren’t working to help him get what he SAYS he wants. I’M tired of his fear, how is he not?
OK, so this isn’t going to make you feel great.
He’s not tired of living in fear because he’s made it 42 years of using fear of the unknown as a defense mechanism, and he’s still here. He’s never had a rock bottom experience to make him realize without a doubt that he isn’t being his own best friend. Instead, he gets to continually prove himself right: it’s a GOOD thing that he didn’t marry that girlfriend, because the fact that she broke up with him proves that they would’ve gotten divorced anyways! He’s not tired of his fear because it reinforces everything about how he operates in relationships.
I don’t think this is something you can nail down to a timeline. You’re not going to be able to make a 1/3/5 year plan for how your relationship progresses.
What you CAN (and should) do, is dictate that if you’re going to continue to be part of this relationship, that he include you in his therapy journey. That means, at the least, he talks to you about what his sessions are – what are they talking about, does the therapist have any new insights, what kind of triggers or coping mechanisms have be identified, what is he going to work on between now and his next session? And it might mean getting more involved: having him sign a release so that his therapist can talk to you, or having a one-off session where you’re there so that the three of you can lay out with full transparency what is going on. Because … hard possible news again … he may very well be obscuring details from his therapist because it doesn’t feel good to say “Oh yeah, I’m hurting my girlfriend by constantly fixating on the ways our relationship can go wrong.”
He probably needs mental health treatment. You should tell him that when you leave.
The stuff hes saying is ridiculous. He “wants kids” but is waiting so he can “get it right”?! Hes 42! If he had a kid tomorrow he’d be 60 when they left for college. Like.. if someone says one thing and does another, believe the actions.
Also the comments about him not being able to move on are manipulative af, whether unintentionally or not. It would be understandable coming from a 18yo but not a 42 yo. And the fact that he thinks he’ll be alone forever if you left, after dating for one year is just… pathetic? Like I get that mental illness is real and I’ve had similar thoughts myself! But I’ve worked hard in therapy and in life so that my life on my own is worth living. Thats what he should be doing if hes really so scared of being alone.
If he doesn’t make massive strides before kids, he will pass his anxious worldview onto them, too.