Me (F30) went on a date with a guy (M31). He mentioned that he still lives with his parents, and this caught me by surprise. All my friends and colleagues of my age are already living by themselves for a while, so I’m not used to hear this anymore.
There is nothing wrong with it and every person have their own timing and stories of lives (they could need financial, emotional or health support for example), but since independence for me has always been very important I was wondering what are the general thoughts about this topic. Basically, do you think that there is an age in which this can become an issue or a red flag (even more if not justified by a practical need)?
47 comments
I’m not interested in anyone of any age who lives with their parents. I understand people have reasons, some of them actually valid, but that is 100% a deal breaker for me.
It used to be much less common, but adults living with their parents are apparently a majority these days. It’s crippling to their morale, and a lot of people will place the blame on them like housing is affordable, but it’s really common these days
Yeah i wouldn’t date anyone who lived with their parents
I don’t really think age matters. It’s the why and if they have plans to move out. I’m not sure I could date someone that happily lives at home with no aspirations to move out.
It would depend on the situation for me. If they’ve never lived on their own though I would be out. I almost think it’s becoming more common. Almost all the men I’ve gone out with lived with their parents. Also I personally need them to be a little embarrassed about it so they know it’s not attractive
I would consider it a dealbreaker at my age, even in my home country where it’s significantly more common for adults to still live with their parents. Obviously there are plenty of reasons as to why someone would still live at home, many of them fully reasonable, but I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone like that. Independence, responsibility, and being able to run your own household is important to me. I moved out when I was 16, so I could never be with someone who at 30+ still hadn’t learned to be on his own.
With that said: Moving back in very temporarily (meaning weeks or a few months, tops) to get things sorted out – perfectly fine. *Still* living at home, or moving back in and planning to stay – absolutely not.
The age wouldn’t matter to me as much as the reason. Financial times hit people hard, people could be taking care of their parents, etc. However its not ideal to me to date someone living with their parents. Not a dealbreaker, but not preferred
I think it also depends on where you live. I live in Los Angeles and it’s very common for people to move back in with their parents for one reason or another. There’s no “acceptable” age range. Either it bothers you, or it doesn’t.
there is no overlapping venn diagram of people old enough to date me, and ages I would personally find this okay. I guess the word “acceptable” implies “acceptable for dating,” but I would consider it based on the circumstance even if I don’t think it’s super “okay”
For me I think it’s a personality thing and speaks to a really primary thing in dating, which is being on the same page more or less about finances vs comfort.
I used to make literally half as much as I do today and I am not very wealthy. There was still never a point where I’d live with my parents or even consider it for more than a month or two if I’m unemployed and looking for the next thing. Even though they’re nice, living with my parents is uncomfortable, I’d rather spend money to live on my own even if it means owning a home takes a few extra years to save up for or whatever. I just don’t click with those people – I save money but I never want to spend years of my life living like I’m 15 again. You never know if your life is going to be shorter than you expect, IMO.
Of course there’s going to be maybe rare instances where someone has $50,000 in medical debt after beating cancer… honestly though that seems rare and it’s usually just “rent is expensive! so here I am.”
I also think it just makes dating awkward. I don’t want your mom to see me after I sleep over. I don’t want to host someone every time.
It’s not uncommon in CA with the insane cost of housing, including rent and buying. Also very common among different cultural groups. Just as common is to be 30s with house mates. It’s expensive AF here.
I don’t mind if they have lived on their own or with a partner before and are back with their parent temporarily with an exit plan. But if they’ve never moved out, I can’t deal with that. Though I’m a month shy of 40. I’m very close with my family and want to take care of my parents once they need it, but a level of independence is important to me too.
I lived ony own from 23ish to 36 and moved in with my dad after my separation. I started saving for a house. Recently I decided to rent my own place bc I can’t wait for the house thing. I’m planning to move in Dec or Jan after my new job starts. I pay for groceries and clean. My brother actually asked me to stay and not move out because he worries about my dad and knows that my dad doesn’t really want me to move out.
Similarly, a man my age who has never lived with a romantic partner before, no matter how long he’s lived in his own place is a no for me. Seems immature and lilely to be set in their ways.
I want to add a different perspective though. Someone who has lived on their own and is willing move in with their parent can be a sign of responsibility. Instead of racking up credit card debt or throwing $ on rent, they’re willing to humble themselves in hard times. If they get along with their parent well enough to make this work, it’s telling of their family relationships. Living with my dad as an adult is more similar to living with a friend. These are not qualities to sniff at.
Based on what you wrote, I don’t think it will work for you – and that’s what matters most.
Age isn’t relevant. The economy twisted and it never recovered. Good jobs are like unicorns. Expecting someone to live on their own basically admits you care more about their paycheck than the human being.
Age doesn’t matter, it’s situational really. Like the specific reasons behind them living with their parents.
I think it’s less about the age and more about whether you can accept it. Even if the circumstances were completely against the person you are dating and that is why they are still/again living with their parents, if you cannot accept it, then that is it. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you are not on the same page.
I had a friend who lived with his parents until he had enough cash to buy a house with no loan. He didn’t believe in loans. He was very successful and part of his culture was not leaving home until you got married which seems to be common in Indian and Hispanic and a few other cultures. And in Europe it’s quite common also.
How are your friends doing finically? I have a friend who has $90k in school debt left and is 33 along with car debt and credit card debt, but they”own” a home. He is paying a tad over $1k in minin payments. I needed to edit this. The minimum payments are not for his home mortgage, it’s for credit card debt, student loans, and he has an additional $600 a month car payment and probably $2500 a month mortgage. He’s not making 6 figures either. Mid $80k a year.
Honestly I have thought about it, my parents have a nice house. I would save nearly $50k a year. They will give me the house if I decide to come live with them, this offer is open to any of my brothers or sisters. But this very topic keeps me from doing it since it has a negative stigma. But now over 1/3 people 30-40 are living at home now.
You have no idea how many adult kids have moved back in with their parents in my neighborhood in the past two years. Almost every household now has cars parking on the streets coz garage is full, so is driveway.
I think by age 30, unless there’s extenuating circumstances like a bad divorce or major medical issues, that someone living with their parents still is a huge red flag. They either make a lot of bad decisions, or just have no motivation or aspirations in life. I’m not looking to be a parent to my partner. I have a friend that’s in love with a guy that lives with his mom. He basically sits around and plays video games and sleeps until noon. I keep telling her if she wants another kid, she should meet a good guy and have one. She doesn’t have to adopt this one.
Really depends on the circumstances as I’m open minded. I tend to give it some time and see how that reflects on their character.
I did date a woman briefly that was in her late 30’s still living at home. The situation was explained and I was understanding about it so I gave it some time to get to know her. Turns out she lacked independence and drive for more as she was REALLY comfortable at home. She essentially had a lack of vision for herself besides looking for a good man to shack up with.
Truthfully I used to be a lot more understanding of this situation until I dated a couple of guys who lived with their parents. Not like they left, fell on hard times and went back, but just never left.
I can say with a fair degree of certainty that it stunts maturity and prevents them from having an understanding of what it takes to run a household. Heck, I recall that I did a whole lot of maturing after I moved out on my own, so I’m speaking from my own experience.
And yes, sometimes these things are cultural – but it doesn’t change my point. And yes, one of them was paying rent, but didn’t have appropriate boundaries with his parents [his mom in particular] and whenever I’d go over I felt like we were teenagers sneaking back after going out. So yeah he was paying rent, but he wasn’t paying for utilities, groceries, wasn’t doing any cooking or cleaning. Like, once I had him over so I could cook dinner for him. Guy just flops on the couch, doesn’t offer to clean up because his mom would do it for him back home.
Like I said, I get it. Hard times happen and it could happen to me. But there’s a difference between having at least tried to strike out on your own and falling on hard times and not ‘cutting the cord’ so to speak.
It’s not something I would judge a person for, so any age is fine.
I live with my father because its the cultural norm and he is older, so needs my help. I make good money, pay bills and do most of the work around the house. I think it is situational. If they weren’t helping out in any way, or didn’t show signs of being an independent person than it would be more of an issue for me, otherwise I don’t have too much of a problem with it.
20 years old.. by 30 you should be mid career with a house or apartment of your own. You should be a full grown adult with the ability to take care of yourself. 30 is a giant red flag.. if they are not able to be an independent adult by 30 when will they ever? How are they ever going to be able to take care of a family if they can’t even take care of themselves.
25. And it’s well below my dating bracket. There’s a level of independence, self discovery, and maturity not known by someone still living at home. It would take significant circumstances (severely ill parent etc) to have me consider it.
Im 31M single living in Toronto (one of the most unaffordable cities in North America). I live at home despite making more than both my parents combined. Im completely independent, other than sharing a home with them. It’s purely for financial reasons as I aggressivley save to built a downpayment to buy a home. Im estavlished in my career, manage a team and guest lecture at a business school on the side. Dont get me wrong, it sucks living at home rn, but at the same time I look at my financials and where I am in my career and know Im doing good. Some people have the privlege of being handed a cheque from their parents to buy a home, some can stay home while they save. We live in volatile times.
“Still” implies to me that they are in their childhood bedroom, never left, never moved, never did anything with their lives?
I currently live on my father’s house, but I’ve had just as many over 18 years not living with my parents as I have with. Career changes and Covid and this and that… but I’ve lived on my own for many years as well. So it’s incorrect to say I “still” anything.
Depends on the circumstances.
It depends on the reason. Like recently divorced or someone in the family got sick and needs extra care. Or they broke or trying to save up cash to purchase a home etc etc.
It all depends on the reasoning.
Like pretty much everyone is saying, it depends on the reason not so much the age. I think the only reason that I would consider unacceptable would be if they weren’t trying, no job. Location, cultural, medical reasons etc… shouldn’t matter.
Full disclosure – I still lived with my parents and I’m in my late thirties, so I might sound biased to you.
I don’t see how I am any less independent than someone who lives by themselves. I had my own place for 9 years in my twenties. What I have come to realize is living by yourself is not that hard and doesn’t make u any more independent. It’s all about what you do.
The only true independence is financial independence. I know many people who have tons of student debt and credit card debt but they still want to have their own place while being tethered to these lenders and financial institutions. What kind of independence is that?
Also, living at home, I am able to help out my parents with computer problems or things that needs fixing or needs to be installed around the house. Most of the people that rent and have their own place, do you know what happens if anything happens in their condo? They call the landlord.
Please understand that the idea of living by yourself and being independent is mostly a Western concept. And, the idea that you have to do ur own laundry or do ur own cooking to mean ur independent, that’s a pretty low bar because neither of those things are particularly hard.
I was surprised how common it is when i started dating. I think the why is the only thing that should matter in early dating.
I’m 35m currently living with my parents, and I am really nervous about dating right now because I don’t want to be rejected. There was a fire in the apartment I was living at in January, then I lived with my parents until June when they went on a 5 month trip, so I had the place to myself. During this time I went through a bad breakup with someone I had been seeing for about a year. They are coming home soon, and now I’m looking to possibly rent a place, or buy a place If prices would come down. I’m also going to help my parents clean out and sell their home over the next few months. I work a good job, make good money, and I have a social life and hobbies. Ladies would this be a strike against a possible match?
Honestly I’ve saved so much money, I’m kind of glad I’ve done this, but it’s also been extremely difficult during the times they were living with me because the house is pretty small. I’m super nervous about them coming home soon and like I said it makes me feel like a loser and that I can’t date right now.
I think it depends. During covid I (31F) lived with my parents for a while as I came back from overseas and was working and going to school virtually. It didn’t seem to make much sense to go find an apartment by myself in a city or town I’d never lived in when I couldn’t even go out and socialize at that time. It was honestly more a “loneliness” thing. Id rather be able to hangout with people I like (my parents and family) than be all alone in an apartment while not being able to socialize much because of restrictions. As soon as things opened back up and it made sense to move and find my own place I did. So I think it really depends on the situation or circumstances. I will mention though that I had moved out at 18 and had only come back a few times to my parents during the summers while attending university and other than that had lived on my own for over 10 years. I also didn’t expect to date during that time anyways as I was trying to avoid socializing too much anyways.
I think the answer to this is situational. If they’re in grad school or professional (law, medical, dental, etc.) school and living with their parents to save money, I could completely understand that. If they’re perfectly stable and living with their parents to save money for a house or a condo, I can get that too. If they recently lost their job due to jobs scaling back because of the pandemic or something else, I can also understand that.
If they’re not able to sustain themselves and this has been a chronic issue, then my answer would pretty much always be “nope.”
If this was the year 1999, I’d say as soon as you’re finished school, you should be out. Generally, long before age 25 unless there are extenuating circumstances. In 2022, I see being able to live with your family as kind of an asset, and a smart move if you’re fortunate enough to have the resource. Living at home and not working is an immediate no. But living at home, working/schooling and saving? Sounds like potential husband material, to me… stay as long as they’ll put up with you as long as the relationship with parents isn’t creepy, impeding on your relationship or somehow incestuous.
I think it depends on the tradition and geographical location as well among other reasons. For instance in certain South Asian countries, until a few years back, grown up men/women stayed with their parents and apart from financial reasons, it’s also the fact that they can take care of the parents by staying with them ( for emergencies etc as healthcare is not reliable). A common reason for men to stay with the parents is that financially it’s hard to manage 2 households( as a lot of parents depend on their children ) and there is a notion of stigma in the society as well, as earlier the tradition was “living in a joint family”. So it’s socially awkward if parents were to stay separately from their children.
So I lived on my own in my 20’s had a house,child. I’d call her wife,but she was too busy cheating for me to actually marry her.
We seperated and I lost it all at 32 became homeless and took me some time to be able to reconnect with my mom.
I found out she was dieing and moved back home which wasn’t easy and been trying to rebuild me ever since.
Moving back home also meant living with my abusive father.
My mom past earlier this year and I’m so thankful for time I got with her I’m 36 now.
However my father has basically been forcing me to cover everything here and I can’t even save a dime now with my mom gone.
One wrong move and I’m homeless again.
This house went to my Toxic PoS sis. . .
So even paying rent,bills . .and knowing her I’m still left with nothing . . .but a eventual looming deadline.
I don’t want this house,I dont even want to live here,. . .
I do intend to keep atleast 1 promise I made to my mom before she passed.
I’ll never leave this town again,one of the things she asked me to promise her.
So I live with my parent and I dont want too but I don’t see a way out.
He’s actually forced me into debt,ruined my credit -rather than offer me any aid
Just another thing on my list I’m working on.
So now do I think there is a age?
yes,
but it’s hard to say when
. . .without knowing the story first.
It really depends on the reason imo.
I moved back into my mothers place at 34 bc of debt load that I didn’t have anyone to help me with. I needed to A) eliminate debt and B) save for a mortgage. Now, being newly 37, I’ve done both and my possession date for my house is next week, Nov. 2nd.
I was married at the time, and my ex-wife couldn’t accept that we lived in my mother’s place (even though my mom was rarely there). She also wasn’t going to contribute toward rent for an apartment of our own due to cultural/religious issues (long story).
I needed her understanding and support, but she basically wrote me off as poor and left me. Literally told me she didn’t think I could get a house, and that I didn’t buy her enough takeout food – an actual reason she cited as to why she wanted a divorce.
I’m not saying this make anyone feel bad about their preferences when it comes to a partner’s lifestyle. I just want to say that, if your partner honestly communicates why they’re living with their parents, it may be best to keep an open mind and believe in them if you feel it’s worth it, regardless of their age.
I think it depends on the circumstances, motivation, and life story leading up to it. If it’s to take care of a sick relative, saving on rent, or whatever, I think there’s no age limit as long as it’s clear that it is a temporary choice. It becomes an issue when they either don’t want/see the need to change the situation one day, or if they are unable for the forseeable future to move out. Unless you also want to move in their parents’ home I suppose!
That’s up to you to decide.
It’s becoming [more common](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2022/03/24/the-demographics-of-multigenerational-households/).
Here are some reasons why an adult would live at home:
* Saving to buy property
* Caring for an aging parent
* Post-divorce/post-breakup/post life implosion
* Personal illness or injury
* Returning to school full-time
* A single parent who needs readily accessible childcare
As most people on this thread are saying, the reason is important. Life happens and there can be a number of reasons why someone would need to move close to or back in with their parents.
But I think these very good reasons will reveal themselves pretty quickly, as does a lack of reason. It’s pretty obvious if a person is just living at home, kicking it, playing video/PC games all day with no goals and opposed to someone who is striving to meet certain goals. That said, I’m pretty skeptical of someone still living at home over 40. Unless there’s a very good reason for them not to live independently, living at home over 40 could be a red flag.
About 1/3 of the women I have gone on at least 1 date with over the past few years have lived with their parents at the time we went on our date. It has never been a reason to not continue dating someone, but at the same time none of them went past the 2nd date, visiting each other places didn’t happen in any of these cases.
Depending on the dynamics, I don’t think there is a max age for living with parents. If the person has their own finances and takes care of their own responsibilities (like laundry and cleaning and cooking at least some meals), I don’t really feel like its that different than roommates. It isn’t something I’m actively looking for or anything, but I don’t think the fact of living with parents or family would on its own be enough to turn me off…
my husband lived with his parents until he was 27 and he lived in with me. he owned his own house but just rented it out and was traveling for work. so his time off was with them or traveling.
so it depends what the reasons are. it depends what his parents are like as well. basically my husband just stayed with them to have a place to go back to when he wasn’t out doing something. they are awesome and they have a beautiful home so it wasn’t terrible. i actually liked aspects of it because i got to see how he helped out, that he made an effort to do work for them and he was very much like a roommate more than a parent/child relationship. ironically it gave me a view of him and how independent he was.
Not age, but only reasons I’d consider would be if they were in post secondary which would likely be to early/mid 20s, or if they went through a separation and in between places. If its because they never left and not in post secondary, then likely a hard F that.
I’d like to live by myself but my mom is disabled and putting parents in a home is awful.
Very likely a dealbreaker for me past age 18.
If you live with your parents, you’re unlikely to learn how to run a household because you’ll get coddled. Secondly, financial instability is, at least for me, not attractive in a partner. Yes you save living with your parents, but at the cost of your independence.
I dropped out of University when I was 22, moved back in for a couple months. Worked, saved some money. Got a job elsewhere for most of the next year, and so moved there. Came back about a year after the first time, and stayed a couple more months, still working, to go off to a different University. Never went back, except to visit a few days every few years. So my last was 23. I didn’t like it, but it was reasonable. Maybe give it a couple more years. By 30, you should have found your way.