A friend (32F) who I (25M) speak too often and have known for a few years, was telling me about her new tattoo she got on her forearm, and a bracelet. I asked her if she could send a picture of the tat and the bracelet so I could see, she went radio silent on me and then sent a pic of the bracelet a while later.
It was quite a nice bracelet, but I noticed she didn’t send a pic of the tat.
I didn’t say anything about it, but I thought back, some months after we met and began talking a lot, she was telling me about another Tattoo she got, I asked to see, but she just avoided the subject entirely and never brought it up. I presumed it was because she didn’t really know me too well.
But years later, we’ve hung out plenty together face to face and have a plethora of pictures together (we live in different parts of the country) but asking for a picture of something she is telling me about, and suddenly it feels like she doesn’t trust me in some way.
If she doesn’t want too, she doesn’t have too of course, but the fact she may think this of me just kind of strains the friendship in my eyes that she still doesn’t trust me or something after all this time, I find myself talking to her less and less as I just have a concern of ‘Damn, is this gonna make her uncomfortable?’ and end up just avoiding talking.
Am I being irrational in this line of thought?
TL;DR – I asked a friend of several years to see a pic of her tattoo and bracelet, she sent a pic of the bracelet and didn’t send the tat, she has done this before, she doesn’t trust me for some reason after 4+ years and now I don’t trust myself around her which is straining the friendship.
3 comments
“She doesn’t trust me” sounds like something you are assuming and not something you were told. You could ask her about it.
> some months after we met and began talking a lot, she was telling me about another Tattoo she got, I asked to see, but she just avoided the subject entirely and never brought it up.
Where was that tattoo?
> suddenly it feels like she doesn’t trust me in some way.
Depending on the tattoo, it may be personally significant or identifying in some way that she isn’t comfortable having pictures of it circulating. She may trust that you don’t have any kind of ill intent, but there’s a risk of you sending someone the photo, showing them, losing your phone or having it stolen, etc. The safest way to keep on top of any risks she might be worried about is to limit the existence of pictures in the first place.
…Or it might be something else entirely; you don’t know, you haven’t asked. You’re trying to interpret silence. She may simply be self conscious about tattoos for some reason.
> I find myself talking to her less and less as I just have a concern of ‘Damn, is this gonna make her uncomfortable?’ and end up just avoiding talking.
Being concerned about whether what you say might make a friend uncomfortable is just… basic consideration. This is not an undue burden for you to navigate. As you describe it, there is *one thing* (you’ve twice asked her for pictures of tattoos and twice she’s ignored the request) that she *might* be uncomfortable about across several years of friendship and you’re stewing over it to the point it’s killing the friendship for you. Yes, this is irrational.
If this bothers you, *talk to her*. Tell her that you noticed it seemed like your request to see the tattoo bothered her and you want to apologize if that’s the case. Ask if she has some boundaries around that that you should know about for the future. Or, just make a note that for whatever reason she doesn’t like the combination of tattoos and photos, and just don’t bring it up again, which seems like it should be extremely easy to do.
The tattoo could be personal, or maybe she thinks you’ll judge her for it, so I wouldn’t take it too personally let her show her tattoo when she wants to. You could always tell her when you text her again that you notice when you ask about the tattoo she gets quiet, and you want to let her know that you were just curious, but if she doesn’t want to share the tattoo that’s fine.