Me (25f) and my boyfriend (29m) have been together for 2 years. Previously, I have been cheated on by other boyfriends, emotionally and physically abused and i thought I had got past it before I met my current boyfriend, but being with him triggers so many insecurities. When we are great and there’s no ‘issue’ to address, he is my best friend and makes me truly happy. But, due to the fact he is a director (photoshoots/music videos/short films) he is always working with beautiful models, he likes their skimpy pictures on Instagram, he tells them how great they look, he has them round at his flat in skimpy clothes doing photo shoots in his bedroom, but anytime I have raised any of this kind of thing as something that makes me feel insecure, he gets so annoyed at me, literally tells me ‘well I’m not changing it’ and uses the excuse that it is only work.
I would never want to come between anyones professional work, but a lot of these instances, I see it like ‘okay but did you need to go that far?’. Sure, like their picture if it’s them smiling, or a life achievement, or something basically not revolving around them looking hot, but when it’s bikini pictures and thrust traps and I see my boyfriend giving them attention, while he has never been complimentary of me or made me feel sexy or gorgeous, it really gets to me and it has almost ruined our relationship.
I’d like to think I’m very self aware, and I’m sure that past relationship trauma plays a part in my insecurities, so I don’t want to ruin this relationship because of that, but also he doesn’t make it any easier for me or take interest in the slightest when I raise an issue and instead will get angry at me for ‘bringing it up and causing another problem’ and it’s me that ends up apologising for being bothered about anything in the first place, otherwise he breaks up with me. I’ve lost track of the number of times this has happened and every single time he has been the one to end it (when I didn’t want to end it atall, I just wanted to tell him ‘hey this is making me feel insecure) , so I’m my head I go from wanting reassurance from my boyfriend, to suddenly being broken up with, and I run back and beg every single time, convincing myself that I can get over whatever the issue was and that means I don’t lose him altogether.
I’m trying to be as unbiased as I can here because I genuinely want someone else’s perspective on whether this sounds like a me problem, a him problem, or just an is problem.
The more times he breaks up with me and I crawl back, the lower my self esteem is, therefore the more likely I am to feel insecure about things, it’s a very vicious circle.
I want this relationship to work with him, but I’m starting to doubt whether that’s possible with the way he is, no matter what I do. He is very stubborn, has a very big ego (he will admit this himself) has never felt insecure with me about a single thing, and it just feels so unfair. How do I tell him I’m feeling like this without him just getting angry at me again for ‘causing an unnecessary argument’?
TL;DR! is it my insecurity that is ruining my relationship or is it my boyfriends lack of empathy to how I feel?
4 comments
Dump your bf, get into therapy instead. His work isnt the issue. Its that he doesnt give you any sort of the attention he gives to those models. You dont feel valued bc he doesnt value you. You know he’s not good for you. You know he’s not going to change so going back is just self harm at this point.
>but anytime I have raised any of this kind of thing as something that makes me feel insecure,
So this is shitty from a variety of angles.
First, if you’re being broken up with so often, why are you getting back together? Being broken up with shouldn’t be something that happens very often in a relationship, y’know? Like, maybe once and you can get back together, but after that, why are you getting back together without figuring some shit out about how you talk and how you argue?
Secondly, you need to stop policing his instagram likes and comments. Instagram doesn’t push that shit into your feed unless you go looking for it, so on a certain level this is you putting your hand on a hot stove again and again and again. Stop. This is part of his work – maintaining his relationships with models etc is important. “Well, you can like these pictures, but not those pictures,” is nonsense. Just stop looking at what he’s liking and commenting.
Thirdly, you need to be clear about what you’re asking for. When you approach somebody and say, “Your work relationships are making me uncomfortable” it’s easy for somebody to feel attacked. It can feel like you’re saying, “I’m feeling things, and it’s your fault. Go fix it.” That’s not fair. You need to understand what you’re asking for.
A line like:
> I would never want to come between anyones professional work, but a lot of these instances, I see it like ‘okay but did you need to go that far?’.
honestly makes it sound like a) you do want to interfere with his professional work but b) you want deniability, you don’t want to take responsibility for the fact that you want to interfere in his professional work. And that’s not okay.
Stereotypically but often not inaccurately, men hear “I’m feeling insecure about …” as meaning, “I want you to fix this.” If that’s not what you want, you may need to be very clear about that. If you just want reassurance, talking to him about how that reassurance might look might be productive. But the thing is … you do actually want him to change. Or at least that’s what it sounds like. So this isn’t just about reassurance.
> he has them round at his flat in skimpy clothes doing photo shoots in his bedroom
If he’s such a big shot, shouldn’t he have a studio or a rental space or whatever else to work from, rather than quite literally his own bed? That sounds all kinds of inappropriate to me.
I don’t know, I kind of get the impression that he makes it his life’s work to immerse himself in ‘sexy women’ in this sycophantic way, and then he comes home to a real, actual woman who loves him (for some reason) and he’s just not interested?
I want to ask the actual woman why she’s bothering at all, because this all sounds incredibly depressing and unsatisfying. Truly, wouldn’t life as a single person be better than subjecting yourself to this?
He sounds like a bad bf