You see so many posts in this sub where folks are literally asking if they should leave thier SO because they haven’t had sex in x amount of days, or they’ve been together for x amount of months and haven’t had sex yet. I was with my bf for almost a year before we had sex, and we have gone through dry spells with no sex for months at a time, and I would never once consider leaving him over something so trivial as sex. I’ve had others online in different subs and socials that my relationship isn’t healthy or isn’t normal because we only have sex once or twice a month, so I’m asking you guys now, where this thought process comes from? And if it’s so unhealthy for a relationship to be sexless, what do yall think of asexual couples?
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If sex is trivial to you, that’s fine, but it’s important to many. For the latter, lack of sex makes an unhealthy relationship *for them*. Seems easy to understand?
What a relationship needs is for people to be compatible sexually. If both people are asexual, cool.
The issue arises because most people have some level of libido. And as the old saying goes – what do you call two people who share a house, share the chores, share the bills, but don’t have sex? Roommates.
As an asexual, you don’t understand this, but sex drives are a legitimate psychological need for most people. If your partner isn’t interested in sex with you, it can make you feel unloved, unattractive, unappreciated, and can absolutely poison a relationship.
Some people need sex in a relationship, and some people don’t. You and your partner fall on the side of not needing sex to be happy. That is not the case for some people.
If someone isn’t happy, and sexual dissatisfaction is the reason for that (and compromise isn’t possible), then why should they stay in the relationship?
Because it’s true. I thought the same. Sex doesn’t matter!! Then it got so frustrating and we broke up. Humans have sexual feelings, most do at least. It’s important to express them. Sex is just one way to bond and express your feelings, horniness together. If it doesn’t matter to you then it doesn’t. You could be ace or have extremely low sex drive but most people do wanna have sex with their partners.
> You see so many posts
Yes, those who have something to issues to talk about usually go to places to talk about it. That’s generally how these places go. Those who are okay with their sex lives, generally don’t need to go online and complain.
Sure, Reddit is a very popular place, but by no means does the vast majority of people on the internet know about it.
So long as there is no abuse, coercion, or other negating factors any relationship can be “healthy.” Normal is what we make of it.
What is normal for you or your boyfriend isn’t necessarily normal for everyone else.
In a culture that seemingly pushes everyone to make lifelong monogamous commitments sex is inherently an incredibly important part of most relationships.
Obviously sexuality isn’t black and white and lies somewhere on a spectrum. Conflating someone saying that sex is part of a healthy relationship with that person somehow speaking negatively of asexuality is more of a “you problem” in that you’re not understanding the point they’re making.
I think sex is an excellent barometer for the health of your relationship (unless one or both parties are asexual).
Barring that, I have noticed that the couples I know with a mutually fulfilling sex life just seem happier and their relationships last longer.
To each their own i’d say if you don’t need it then that’s great, the primary point of a relationship is that you form an intimate partnership with another human being and you give each other whatever you need to be better and happier together, it’s not just sex, it’s breakfast in bed, it’s doing the laundry whilst another one cooks, it’s massages, it’s kisses, it’s cuddles, it’s letting stuff out of your chest, and sex is one of these things.
For many sex is a VERY important psychological thing as well as physical i had someone who was very asexual and just didn’t work because it affected me psychologically it started to make me doubt myself, i didn’t feel attractive, i didn’t feel sexy, i felt ugly and bad and her words just didn’t cut it i needed action i needed to feel it, to feel her attraction, i needed to drive her wild you know? Sex is a lot more than just this vapid friction it’s a deep psychological thing for people and so yeah a lot of people really NEED it to have a healthy connection and it just falls apart otherwise.
Ofc that’s not a rule for everyone, sometimes people maybe don’t need that and if you don’t as i stated the primary point is that you two give each other whatever you need to be happy, beyond that there’s no requirements and if you are happy in a more platonic setting then by all means, just be happy and make each other happy, that’s the whole point
For me without the fun release of sex i think the weight of the world around me would crush me psychologically, my gf is my psychologist in many ways, sex is one of them and i just wouldn’t function as well without it
One of the things to keep in mind about sex is that you can’t overcome a mismatch.
Let’s say I meet a girl and we start getting to know each other. It turns out she doesn’t watch the TV show I like to watch with my friends. Well, I could just go watch it with my friends. It turns out she doesn’t share the religion I do with my family. Well, I can go practice it with my family. She has a different job than me? You can see where this is going. There are actually a lot of mismatches that don’t stop two people from dating successfully.
But what about sex? What if I want to have it more frequently than she does, or have a different style than she does, or have different sexual content? With whom do I get to just go and have that sex? There are many compromises that can be made in terms of relationship, but sex is honestly one of the very small list of things that cannot be effectively compromised on. Either the two people in the relationship agree on what sex they want to have and how often, or the relationship is going to be less stable than it would be otherwise.
When people talk about sexual compatibility they aren’t saying a relationship needs sex. They are saying those in the relationship have to be on the same page as far as sex. If you were fine having sex once a month and your partner wants it every day….the relationship isn’t going to work. If you both only want sex once a month then you’re compatible sexually. If you are both asexual and don’t desire sex, then you’re compatible.
Asexual relationships have the potential to be beautiful, loving, emotionally intimate, to significantly enrich the lives of the people involved — *provided everyone involved is fine with being in an asexual relationship.*
For any given relationship, it’s important that the people in it can find a state of equilibrium where they’re having an amount of sex (or other physical intimacy) that is satisfying to all parties involved, regardless of whether that means sex is rare (as it is with you and your boyfriend) or frequent.
Because for anyone with a higher libido, sex is anything but trivial. It’s a treasured way of both enjoying yourself and connecting with another person. It’s fulfilling in a primal way that’s immediately understood by anybody who shares that desire and difficult to describe to anyone who doesn’t. Being in a relationship that features dramatically less sex than you need can leave you feeling cut off from an important part of yourself. It can be a genuine source of significant emotional pain.
So when there’s a huge disparity in libidos within what’s otherwise a healthy relationship, it’s a legitimate problem. Unless the high libido partner is willing to grit their teeth and live with that sense of being estranged from their own sexuality (which is an enormous ask), the only real solution is to find a more compatible partner. Some people are able to achieve this through some flavor of open relationship. But most are left with the awful choice of either living with the very real pain or breaking up. (Or cheating. Which I would never recommend. It’s not an ethical way to address the problem, but it is a way of addressing the problem.)
Anyone telling you your relationship is unhealthy or abnormal needs to shut up. If it’s working for you guys it’s working for you guys, and the details of how it works are nobody’s business but yours.
But know that not everyone has the same take it or leave it attitude towards sex you share with your boyfriend.
It’s not a universal rule that no sex isn’t healthy.
It’s a mismatch of drives that is.
If one partner needs sex and the other doesn’t want it then that’s going to lead to resentment from both sides that is absolutely unhealthy.
Sex is one of many connections I have with my wife albeit a very important one to us.
It really depends on the reason for the”dry spell” I would say all that matters is that you are both satisfied with where you are at.
It may seem like a trivial reason for you, but for others it isn’t. Sex is very important in my marriage with my wife.
If you and your boyfriend are content with the amount of sex you’re having, that’s great, no problem.
The problem becomes when one or both partners are unsatisfied.
As for asexuals in a relationship, I imagine it’s just like every other relationship out there, centered on the people in it, and if they are happy then all is god.
Because you aren’t other people and they aren’t you. Not everyone shares your feelings.
Trivial to you maybe. But here is a question for you. If the person had sex with someone else would that be trivial? I mean it’s just sex. Trivial is a dangerous word to throw around.
As long as both agree on the frequency of sex them there is no issue. The issue is when one person has frequent desires and the other has those desires less frequent.
Some people get along fine with once a year. Some won’t get along fine with once a week. Asexual couples, I assume would be close in frequency and desire.
I would not be happy with a six month dry spell.
Not having sex oe having little sex in itself isn’t unhealthy. lts the frustration and lack of sexual fulfillment that bleeds into the rest of the relationship if not having sex is a problem for at least one person.
It’s like with anything else in a relationship. If a partner feels like their needs aren’t being met, if they aren’t getting something that makes them feel loves and desired…it becomes a problem.
Different people, different relationships, different needs.
In my 20s no sex would have had me out the door. Now, it wouldn’t be my first choice to go without but I would deal.
I agree with the OP. It’s makes no sense. It’s as if people can look into the hearts of people they never even met and say “they don’t love each other” because they don’t have sex. I didn’t know that a woman having a car accident and pelvic injuries preventing sex meant that her husband should abandon her and their kids because of that. They obviously don’t love each other at all and should divorce. Thanks for letting me know this strangers on the internet. I’ll pass this on to the couples that I counsel with such problems.
you could say the same thing about any area of incompatibility that doesn’t matter to you, personally. some people aren’t going to mind a significant difference in education, intelligence, ambition, creativity, income, political affiliation, appearance (or some specific aspect thereof), religious affiliation, cleanliness or organization, spending habits, and so on… and some people will. different people are going to have different metrics for compatibility— some people will be more flexible and some won’t. it depends on how well you can work together with your respective qualities or resources.
if you’re happy with sex once or twice a month and you had a partner who wanted it once or twice a day, would that not be unpleasant and cause problems? you’d feel pressured, and probably to an extent dehumanized, unheard. same thing from the other end, if one person is wanting sex more frequently than the other, they’re going to feel rejected, shut out, disappointed, unwanted, frustrated, unheard.
sexless relationships are unhealthy presuming one or both partners have a sex drive, or when celibacy is a product of other issues in the relationship. in the first instance, because again someone’s needs aren’t being met, and in the second… because that’s just an unhealthy relationship. it might be an issue where one partner has psychological or medical issues causing their lowered libido, that they refuse to address, even. most people are not asexual, so when people say ‘sexless relationships are unhealthy’ they are speaking in the context of people who want sex, or are not asexual but are experiencing some other barrier to sexual desire.
People have different ideas of what things matter in their relationships. Sex is a no less valid thing. If someone who doesn’t value it as much connects with someone who does, there will be issues, but does not mean that sex is something trivial. Those people just have to work together on their compatibility and what it means in their relationship just like with any other difference in needs. Deciding it’s something the other person shouldn’t be so interested in is disrespectful and hypocritical. Different people have different needs. A healthy relationship works on those needs and hopefully are somewhat congruent in their goals. Asexual couples that work, do so because they work on whatever their individual needs are together.
>why do many people think a relationship needs sex to be healthy?
Not quite. We think that for _people who need sex to feel fulfilled_ in their relationship, their relationship needs sex to be healthy. That would apply to many people.
It’s unhealthy when one or both of them has needs that are unmet.
>what do yall think of asexual couples?
Nothing. We don’t think of them. We just need what we need in our relationship.
They can go fuck themselves.
A relationship with no sex or intimacy is just a friendship. You said you are BFFs, but maybe you don’t need to be BF/GF? At the end of the day, a relationship is whatever 2 people need and want it to be. But if one side wants more that the other, there is an issue.
For many men, sex is how they feel connected to their partner. It is an expression of intimacy and how they know that their partner desires them and finds them attractive.
When there is a mismatch in sexual compatibility, one partner may feel that their partner does not find them desirable. If one partner is always initiating and getting rejected, this can have a negative impact on their relationship and this is why many people view the mismatch in libido as potentially unhealthy.
It’s important in my opinion to validate each other, bond, etc. I (M) truly love my wife, we’ve been together for half of our lives. I think it’s equally important to just “F” as it is to make love. I guess to answer your question, it’s a physical and intimate act that unleashes each other from reality to where only each other exist.
Sex is like anything else in a relationship: it only matters to the extent that the people in the relationship think it matters.
If you were a vegan who needed your partner to be vegan to feel that the two of you were compatible, then obviously you’d have different priorities in a relationship from someone who is a steak chef and likes to eat meat with their partner a lot. In the same way, sex is very important to some people and not important at all to some other people, and all that matters is that those people find partners they’re compatible with.