Hey I need some advice. A little about me.. 25M, don’t have any close friends, and I also have ADHD. Me and my partner have been together for about 6 year now, and have lived together for 4.
So here’s the situation; I’ve managed to land my dream job in the last year and a bit. I work at a repair shop, fixing and restoring vintage music audio equipment. Its the marriage of all things i love! Im extremely proud to be there, however the hourly rate i earn is very low. I am only paid $22 p/h with no benefits, leave, sick pay, super, anything. I work full time weeks there and it does not cover what we need to pay. I also have a second position as a private music teacher which I work 1 day a week, as well as my own personal repairs and restoration which I sell online regularly. I am essentially completely worked to the bone, but it just still doesn’t seem to be enough.
Compared to my GF (25F) who has one job, earns about $29 p/h working in a Cafe as a barista/attendant. She also works full time hours, she gets leave pay, sick pay, benefits, etc. She feels that she cannot grow into a career she wants while I am earning so little, because she will have to pay little extra bits every now and then to cover me. While I can understand leaving the security of the job might be risky – I can’t understand why her having a job she wants and will benefit her career hinges on the success of my career and what I am earning. She is extremely interested in nurserys, and I see no reason that she couldn’t have as secure of a job at a nursery in comparison to a cafe. It also really upsets me that she feels that she is making sacrifices for me, and that I am not making any for her. I have completely abandoned my hobbies, and even my relationships with friends in order to have more time available to work and earn more. It still isn’t enough.
Our rent has increased $10 p/w with each passing 6 months. The general cost of living has increased.
We are fighting almost daily about money. All of the fights and her general attitude towards the situation have truely sent me into my shell. It has gotten to the point where she is asking me to leave my career to get a normal, casual job that will just pay the bills. As much as I can understand it, it also just seriously hurts. I feel like I’m being faced with this fork in the road – pick your career or save your relationship.
She has been very very pushy about marriage. All year, I have been asked when I am going to propose to her. Before I had even made a proper decision, her mother gave me a ring which was passed down from her family, which she wanted me to use to ask her daughter to marry me. Now – I am not ungrateful for that at all. Its absolutely insane to be gifted something like that, especially in my financial position. However we still fight almost daily, we go through the same things, and im starting to feel like maybe proposing isn’t the best idea. I honestly hardly have feelings anymore, and I can’t tell if its all just buried in 8 feet of stress.
Im now looking for a fourth job, and the idea of working a fourth is just giving me serious depression. I have no time for myself at all, all I do is work – and what’s it all for? I’m constantly under stress from not earning as much as her. And why don’t I earn as much? I do extremely skilled work, and I still can’t get ahead or just get paid a minimum wage.
I don’t have many options, but they seem like its;
A – Get a fourth job and work forever just to get by
B – Leave my dream career to work at a supermarket
C – Ask my employer for a payrise (but its likely not possible)
D – stay in my dream job, break up with my GF, live alone without the stress of keeping up with someone in an absolute shithole rental ill barely be able to afford.
All options that I come up with suck super bad and I don’t know what the hell to do anymore.
I know I’ve hardly presented a question here – but I would love/really need some advice. I do really love her, but I feel if this doesn’t get worked out soon our relationship will not last much longer. Is it truly a case of career vs relationship? What can I do/what would you do?
TL;DR long term relationship is straining on money m and is making it hard to progress in career, pressures to marry, and the consequencal lost of feelings.
4 comments
Have you spoken about long term plans of where you want to be in 5/10/20 years? Perhaps she’s maintaining the traditional gendered mindset of the man being the breadwinner?
What are the central issues in your fights about money?
Has she accepted the fact that you are content in not being a high income earner?
Do you pay your share of the bills? If so, I don’t understand why you need to work more. But if you want her to pay for you, then yes, that’s not something you get to decide, and if she doesn’t want to cover your half of the bills, then it makes sense for her to resent the fact that you are doing something you enjoy at her expense. So, a lot comes down to what the division of expenses is.
Sounds like she wants you to have the guaranteed steady income and benefits job, so she can leave the coffee maker job and explore other, less steady/paying employment options. Suggest talking about what your 1-3-5 year plans are and see that they align well.
She wants to be married to someone else. You are enough. You should stay with the job and let her go off and find someone who has no dreams.