Hi all,
I’m a pretty naturally scared and timid person. Throughout college, I let my fear get the best of me. I hid and ran away and dissociated during and throughout any opportunity that life threw my way. And when I have the opportunity to do better, I usually choose to feel bad or sorry for myself/live vicariously through other people and not entirely focus on myself.
I’m at a weird point right now where i’m realizing that I don’t have my own life. I don’t have any friends, I haven’t been giving my all at school, and I keep living vicariously through other people’s lives. I don’t have my own personality, I change depending on who is around me. I also am constantly blaming my parents and family for my shortcomings.
I spend a lot of my time feeling sorry for myself, asking other people for advice, or daydreaming, but not actually doing anything.
Any advice?
33 comments
I’m constantly overthinking my life and thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong.
This really sounds like me, no confidence and too scared of taking steps. I am 21 now and I am still like that, but as much as I was in the past, I am happy about that. You need to put effort, get out of comfort zones. Taking the first step is the key. “Fake it until you make it”, try acting confident, and at one point you will become confident. Whenever I have thoughts about rethinking or when I get scared of taking steps, I just yell at myself (in my mind) “FUCK IT”, and just dive.
That higher part of you that is noticing this, notice that that part is always at peace, always looking and knowing. The fear rises and passes. The thoughts say “I am always this and I have never been that and I don’t have my own personality.” But the deepest you is fine. You are patiently just watching, feeling, knowing, loving. Let that deep part of you guide you as you set out to bring these other parts into harmony. Make it into something beautiful!
just know that all the reasons you’ve been scared in the past are valid in someway, and you’ll have to face them in the future if you decide to stop being scared. once you accept that it’s hard to blame yourself for doing what you’ve been doing. shit is damn scary
Lol did I write this?
I can relate to you a lot. It sounds like you’re going through a tough time, and if you’re anything like myself you’re stuck in a cycle of inaction and self loathing. In my case I think the lack of action actually comes from depression, anhedonia to be precise.
So please ask for help, whether that be therapy or medication. It’s taken me way to long to realise I can’t expect to get better when I don’t even ask for help. It’s like being upset I don’t have any friends when I don’t actually leave my house, & when I notice that I realise how ridiculous it is haha
I think you should check our HealthyGamerGG, they have a lot of YouTube content for young people that I’ve found very helpful, especially with stuff surrounding the idea of falling behind.
Their stuff does focus a lot on gamers and some eastern medicine, but there are a lot of useful videos/lectures/interviews out there that will at the very least make you feel not alone.
You’re 21 relax
Unfortunately this is very common in our generation. I would say look for some help in the real world and talk to people about it who cares about you. But i am sure that this will pass and u wil find your own way of living.
get comfortable with being uncomfortable, especially in social situations
1, therapy
2, make an effort not to beat yourself up. be your own best friend
3, start small. super super small. pick a situation where you’re anxious but still able to function might be just leaving the house for 5 minutes. do this step frequently (this is key) until it no longer feels intimidating. then pick something slightly harder and repeat.
4, start saying “that’s your opinion” to anything your brain throws at you. “you’ll never have friends!” “well, that’s your opinion. you don’t have a crystal ball”. start realising how many of the “facts” you base your life around are really baseless assumptions or even demonstrably false.
you got this, good luck!
Dude Hi5. I distanced myself most of the time in college. I almost had no friends. Luckily enough I made two good friends and still in contact to now. But still the gravity of social phobia still prevent me from socializing. It sucks when I’m trying to find a job. I just can’t confront the idea of engaging with people. I’m trying to change but it’s quite hard given I have almost isolated my life from time to time. I’m sorry I can’t offer any good advice. If anyone has practical advice, don’t hesitate.
It’s awesome that you’re realizing this now while you’re still so young. My advice is to pick a craft/skill and get really good at it.
Honestly I wish I could have made this realization when I was your age 😂.
But – I’m on my own path and I’m not gonna compare lives.
You’ve just gotta start finding yourself. Try on other peoples ideas, theories, and identities, and see how they fit you and make you feel for awhile.
Don’t hold onto any one identity/self-concept for too long – and give yourself a chance to step back and ask “is this healthy for me, long-term?”. Realize that many popular points of view often reflect some sort of advertising or power-posturing dynamic going on (and they serve the speaker more than the audience) – and might not be 100% right for you.
Find a really good therapist, and people you trust to have wisdom and empathy towards you – and talk about your experiences and feelings as you do all this. Eventually you’ll take pieces of what you’ve learned/experienced – and build your own self-concept that is right for you.
It sounds like your mind is feeling like a very chaotic and scattered place right now. Something important to realize is that it isn’t wrong to feel fear. This is especially true when trying something new. Everyone starts off weak in the beginning. All you can do is start from where you are.
Looking at your life from a wider perspective can be helpful in not taking small occurances too seriously. The problem is that this perspective can also make anything you want to achieve seem like an impossible feat.
Breaking down your task, errands or goals into smaller steps is key. Make those steps as small as possible so that you feel like you can accomplish them. Learn to give yourself pats on the back for little things. Did you remember to brush your teeth today? Did you make your bed? Did you say something nice to a friend or family member? These are all small accomplishments that you can be proud of yourself for.
By accomplishing small tasks, they will compound into larger tasks. Before you know it larger goals won’t seem as intimidating becuase you started off small and built your way up. Patience, consistency and self-care are crucial in building yourself into the person you want to be.
You sound exactly like me when I was your age. My anxiety was so bad that it basically paralyzed me. I lived with it for years, until I finally saw a therapist when I was 30. I know people talk shit about SSRIs, but OMG. When I started taking anti depressants it was like a switch just turned off my anxiety. It made meeting new people so much easier. I used to be so concerned with what people thought about me, and now IDGAF. Therapy also helps a ton. I highly recommend seeking a therapist if it’s possible for you right now. Don’t keep living like this all through your 20s like I did. Life’s too fucking short. I’m 32 now and happier than I’ve ever been.
First thing to do is keep positive affirmations because a positive mindset is key. If you see yourself the way you do right now then you’re defeating yourself.
Stay motivated, find some hobbies, and meet people through natural ways. Be friendly and kind but don’t let people take advantage of you.
Also keep in mind that our shortcomings help us grow as people so there’s nothing wrong with having some heartache in the past because that’s what helps us for today.
Overall just be natural;be yourself when it comes to interaction with other people and the right ones will connect with you, take things day by day, and enjoy the little moments. Also put some time aside for school. I hope this helped my friend 😀
We’re twins
When. You figure something out, give me a shout. I feel like I’m stuck in the same place. 33m
I’m 24 Male, and have similar situations, been reading the comments and a lot of people going through similar situation, that’s scary
I’ve never related this much to a post
Send me a pic, maybe I can help 🙂
I’m the same way, I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but you definitely aren’t alone.
If these patterns weren’t getting in your way, what would you be doing?
You should read the untethered soul by Michael singer … or listen to his audio book on audible. This book literally helped lay the groundwork for understanding who I am. It will help you too. I wish I found it when I was 21!!!
I had the same Problem, I then read a book called Beyond Order, Written by a famous Clinical Psychologist. This changed my view on life. Here is a transcript from the book which I had written down:
If you are a child, abused by your mother familiar only with the Evil Queen, then you are damaged by the absence of love, stunted by lack of attention, and arbitrarily subject to pain and aggression.
This is no way to live and it is very difficult to grow up functional and capable and void of distrust, hate, and the desire, say for revenge. You need to find someone to act the part of the benevolent Queen: a friend, a family member, a fictional character – or a part of your own psyche, motivated by knowing that your mistreatment is wrong, swearing to take any opportunity that comes your way to escape your misfortune circumstances and balance your life appropriately.
Pg 317 – 318, Beyond Order, Jordan B Peterson
I tell myself “Do it scared”, and 98% of the time all the fear I had held no ground and dissipated while doing it. I went to a big rock festival lately, and was so close to talking myself out of it. I drove myself there and met up with some friends. I’m so glad I went. It was amazing and rejuvenating. It’s been since 2015 that I went to a concert. Covid didn’t help, but I’ve been so mad at myself for not living life. I committed and it was amazing. Don’t let yourself talk yourself out of opportunities.
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Same …. But how do I change that…
I realized I haevn’t been to a real party in my life. Not counting family gatherings. I’m already 25 and I know noone
Something I learned after I moved out of state and was on my own, was that once you’re out of school, no one is responsible for you anymore, so very few people give a fuck about you. All the adults who had to look after you, or the friends you had in school that wanted to maintain their social standings… Once you’re on your own, you’re on your own. They have no obligation.
You also have no obligation to them either. So the things you had to do for them, to make their life easier or better, which in turn did the same for your life, no longer applies. You can do what you want to do. It seems a little bleak, thinking that people don’t care about you. It’s not that they don’t care about you, it’s that the effort you put in to the relationship is the care you get out. If you disappear, most people won’t look. This means you can become who ever you want, and most people won’t think about it. Especially once you’re in your own, because now you are no longer changing the norm for them.
For example, if you were the quiet friend in school, and you’re suddenly out going, the group of friends now had a shift in their group dynamic, which would make them have to evaluate what’s going on. A lot of people do not like to do that. They want things to stay the same. That’s good for people who have it good, and bad for those who don’t. If it’s not good for you, change it.
With that said. Find out what you like to do. Just one thing at a time, and focus on it. Focus on yourself, and not someone else – like a relationship. There’s no reason to get into one when you don’t know who you are, or how to be the way you want to be. People in your situation will get taken advantage of, whether on purpose or not. There are people that will see you as manipulatable, and pray on that because you’re timid and change based on who you’re around. Those people will separate you from everyone and turn you into their possession. Some people may do it unintentionally, because they need to be around someone that makes them feel good about themselves and entertains their behavior. They’ll drain you of your time and energy, and strangle your growth. Neither of these are good.
The way to actually do that? One change at a time. If you know you want to wear a certain style of clothing, buy one piece and wear it whenever you’re alone so you don’t feel uncomfortable. Don’t like to eat food a certain way, ask a waitstaff to have it cooked differently – I don’t like runny eggs, so I ask for them over hard. People have given me shit for it, and when I was younger, I would have just sucked it up because of who I was and was around.
Now idgaf about someone else’s opinion. I want it that way, I’m paying, I’m eating, so that’s how it’s going to be.
That’s how you have to look at things.
Same as me Im experiencing that rn but now Im confronting it head on. You need to live in the moment and face your fears.
Therapy
Same here i lack self control and self discipline
All of this is perfectly fine. You’re just not fitting the one-size-fits-all mold that education provides. I found that after higher education, my life got a lot smaller and simpler. And I also got a lot happier.
I’ve always regretted opportunities that I’ve missed, things I didn’t do, etc, etc. But this is a well documented phenomenon. The “grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” line of thought is basically hard-coded into humans. In my experience, you will almost always regret your choices to some extent because you could have had _something else._
But I realized that I didn’t actually want that something else. If I ran away from it at every possible opportunity, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed actually being in it, fighting that anxiety every single day. I loved academia, but I am so, so glad that I’m free from the pressure. I’m realizing now that I can pursue things I was interested in on my own time, on my own schedule.
So all of this basically boils down to “do what you feel like.” I don’t feel like fitting myself into the rigid time schedules of academic work. So I didn’t. I was incredibly anxious at first because it always felt like there was something I should be doing, something I was missing out on. But your brain is exceptionally good at punishing you for meaningless things. You are where you are. It doesn’t make sense to regret how you got there.