My wife (33f) and I (40m) are having problems, see my previous post. We’ve been in marriage counseling for a month and things were improving. She has been a bit more honest with me, or at least seemed more genuine, about things she told people about me and the conversations she had with her xhusband. I also believe she has been more honest with her own therapist but not completely.
She says she has been in a “seasonal” depression for 2-3 years now where she spends about 40hrs a week outside of bed. She is a completely absent wife and mother. To her credit, she has gotten better about it after the start of our problems coming to the surface in august. She’s been on celexa for 5sh years and usually goes through 30-45 tiny Xanax a year, to my knowledge.
Yesterday I found kratom powder in the cabinet above the toilet. For timeline sake, I once found bottles of pills of it in her car prepandemic and she told me her mother gave them to her for arthritis. I made my feelings on it clear and they were thrown away.
Back to yesterday, so I found it and decided to go through her closet. She had purses full of empty bottles of it. The amount and some simple math points to what I believe to be a serious problem. Reading up on the mix of kratom, celexa, and Xanax confirms it. The quantity by itself is too much even if you believe using Kratom is a wise choice.
I confronted her about it and she broke down. Says she was too embarrassed to tell me about it and she knows it’s a problem.
On one hand I feel like she has a drug problem and I need to be there for her as I am her husband and I do love her. I’m afraid if I do leave she is going to end up with an OxyContin problem and will lose custody of my stepson to his pos biodad. It’s pretty easy for her to go through prescribed pain killers faster than she is supposed to, she is genetically predisposed to opiate issues, and her current behavior leads me here.
On the other hand I can’t trust her one bit. She lies through her teeth to me. She’s betrayed my trust and crossed every boundary except for having a physical affair, I think. She’s been an absolute dead beat wife and mother for years. We’ve fought once every two months for the last 4sh years and the theme is always I need her to be my partner and not an ungrateful dependent. Nothing changes. She maintains lies while “trying to work things out and be there”. The lies and/or shity things she does come to light every couple weeks and we have to restart at a point further away than the last restart or the one before that and so on.
I don’t know how I can process my feelings of betrayal into something healthy while staying with her. I don’t know what she could say or do at the moment that would lead me to believe she is going to make an honest effort this time and we won’t be restarting again in two weeks.
I don’t know what to do.
4 comments
Dude,.sounds like you made a perfect case to use this latest incident to let her go. It doesn’t sound like it will ever get better.
I think you should find a local AlAnon meeting, or whatever the equivalent is for narcotics abusers (although in my experience AlAnon has always welcomed family members of addicts, too)
People can get better. My husband just hit seven years of sobriety. But what I know for sure is that she won’t get better until she’s doing it for herself, and you need to do what is best for you.
Codependency No More is an excellent book for family members of addicts. Highly recommend.
I can’t tell you whether you should stay or go, but I will tell you that you need to decide what your boundary is and stick to it.
NarAnon, an organisation for families and friends of addicts, may be able to help you deal with the feeling of betrayal. I’m in AlAnon for the same reason. The lies and fights and watching my husband kill himself slowly with alcohol. AlAnon gives me an anonymous place to focus on myself and my own happiness and strength.
First, her addiction is not your fault. It’s not your responsibility. And although it’s hard to hear, you will never fix it. She can make all the promises in the world but until she is truly ready to get help she won’t stop. Believe me, I’ve heard the same promises over and over and over and over. And watched them be broken again and again. As you said, your wife has opiate issues thanks to the genetic lottery. That means she can never use these drugs without problems arising. Same as alcoholics can never drink without addiction rearing its ugly head.
Next, the “I’m trying” is bullshit. You’re right to not trust the words. We all know that doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is insanity. That’s what she’s doing. “I’m trying” are just some hopeful sounding words used to placate us while keeping us stuck in a replay loop so they can keep using.
It’s important to say, though, that it’s the substance that’s doing this to her. You’re right that she’s ill. She deserves compassion. But illness isn’t a free pass to abuse people, and you must put yourself first. That includes setting up some new boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself from the addiction. It’s not about controlling her, it’s about changing your own behaviour.
Perhaps look at r/AlAnon and search for “boundaries” to see some examples of what I mean.
Take your time to focus on yourself for now. Spend time with your stepson doing things you both love. Indulge in your hobbies. Find those things that make you happy. Anything to keep you busy and take your attention away from your wife’s addiction. When we do this we find a renewed sense of strength and control over our lives, where we were feeling helpless before.
Sending you strength.
She has a serious addiction problem, has she had any inpatient treatment. She needs to get treatment and clean. She needs help, get her in a treatment program.