My Fiancé and I got into an argument. He told me I was talking over him and I don’t remember doing that. Sometimes when I get overwhelmed I need space before I talk so I tend to walk away which I know isn’t good (I will work on that) he was upset with something I did and said I’m not taking responsibility for my dog because I forgot her poop bag and then upset how I went inside instead of helping him more with raking the leaves. I told him I had a bad sinus infection, he knows this and it was getting worse. I I went inside and cut the vegetables for him for his lunch tomorrow and also cleaning the house. He came inside all aggravated and I was trying to explain and then he tells me to “shut the fuck up” this is the first time he said that. He has said the work “fuck” to me many times when upset he doesn’t raise his voice and sometimes I do. He saying the only way I listen to him is if he swears I told him countless times not to swear at me. I told him it’s verbal abuse, he doesn’t think so. “Shut the fuck up” is new to me. He told me he will not stop swearing at me its how he communicates I see how his Step-father talks like that to his Mother and also his own Father so he was brought up in environment like that. Are many marriages or relationships this way? Is this normal?
3 comments
this comment is just about what you say about walking away…..
Walking away is not a bad thing.. plenty of really good reasons to walk away and calm down. De escalating is not wrong.
If you do not wish to be sworn at, that’s your decision, not his to say how you feel about being the target of his anger. And if this is important and he sees no reason not to continue doing it, same as his dad does to his mom, well, now you have a red flag waving. This is why we date before marriage, to make sure we are compatible.
Personally, I wouldn’t marry someone like that. And I haven’t. Sure we know all the words but I’m not kidding when I tell you I’ve never cussed my wife out like that in over 40 years. Never called her names either (like the b-word). And my dad never did it either.
Not OK, not even a little. For one, you’re no longer arguing to understand and fix the issue at hand, you’re attacking each other’s character which leads to a terrible marriage. Two, it’s going to lead to abuse if it hasn’t already.
You’d have a very hard time finding a marriage counselor, or book on marriage, or any form of advice on how to have a good marriage that suggests you curse each other out more often, especially after you’ve asked him not to.
Do to our upbringings, my wife used to curse me out all the time, and I curse at anyone only a few times per year. Once we got marriage counseling, cursing at each other was the first thing that had to go.