Hello r/relationship_advice,
My qestion is basically the title. I (27, F) can’t seem to be able to be attracted to good, caring, loving guys.
I hate it so much. But I’d sometimes not give a chance to a guy just because I see him as boring, or not fun enough, when he’s actually what I think would make the most sense for me. Instead, I’d go for these, arrogant, aggressive, douchebag types who will usually berate me with insults, treating me like I’m a second class citizen. I hate it so much ! Because I know it’s just a disaster waiting to happen and there isn’t even hope at the start of the relationship.
In these types of relationships, there’s usually a lot that is asked of me. Like what I should do, what I can wear, who can I hang out with etc etc…
At first I liked that power dynamic. I’ve always been a more giving person. And I found that the More my partner was aggressive and wanted to take, the more I’d be willing to give, if that makes sense. I’d totally be OK with treating my boyfriend like a king, making him feel good about himself, showering him with praise just so that he can be this best version of himself.
But what usually happens is that when the guy has a shortcoming, or when he’s incompetent in something, then I become the punching bag. It’s always my fault for everything. I have to apologize for everything.
That is so emotionally draining and it’s frustrating when I feel like my needs aren’t met. What about me, and my aspirations ? Who’s going to bring me up instead of beating me down when I make a mistake?
So in the end I just don’t date anymore and just do hook ups. No strings attached, no problems.
I am however looking to get back out there and start dating again and maybe give nice guys a chance. Any advice would be appreciated.
3 comments
English is not my first language, so i apologize in advance.
It looks like you enjoyed your fun during your Early adulthood and now you wanna settle down.
For starters, humans are creature of habit, which means we can get used to almost anything.
If you got used to your current lifestyle, then it going to take a “transition phase” for you to get used to another one. That is something you have to keep in mind.
I think you need to leave the nice guys alone if you arent attracted to them. Its not fair to either of you.
If you’re seeing a pattern in the type of partners you’re picking or in how your relationship plays out. Consider if maybe you’re playing out a role in your life. You seem to already know what you’re expecting from the people you date, and that’s their role in your life (according to you.) Maybe you could explore more about your role, the part you think you should play. Where did you get the idea that this is your part to play?
The more you learn about it the more you’ll be in a position to stop acting out this part, get off the stage and start living a more authentic life. You’ll be able to stop yourself when you are about to make a decision based on your role and instead choose something that gets your needs met.