EDIT: I worded this terribly. I’m not spending $200 on a first date lol. Just meant I was capable of going on those dates \*at some point\*
I have no problem putting out $200 for a nice sushi dinner and a couple drinks or similar, but I also love going to low key taco joints and breweries. I don’t think it says anything about the person necessarily, but what are you all “expecting”?
Are you expecting dinner at all? Activity? Both? I’m a pretty mellow person, so i’m not the type to go rock climbing or something as a first date lol. Just seeing what general consensus may be.
49 comments
My appetite drops when I’m nervous, so I’d rather not do dinner. Usually I opt for one drink (coffee or alcohol depending on time of day) & walking around somewhere pretty with good people watching.
Women, much like men, aren’t a monolith. So, don’t focus on what “women” expect of a first date. Focus on what kind of first date you’d like and on finding women who also like that kind of first date.
For me, as a man (so maybe not the audience you are seeking), my first date is always coffee/tea and a walk. Some people will scoff at that. That’s fine, they aren’t the right person for me. But, until we’ve met, we are strangers. That first time is just a meet and greet to get to know one another. To be honest, I’ve yet to meet a woman who has rejected that and have gone on more than a handful of second dates. I interpret that as I am attracting the right type of women for me.
I’m in NYC and expect something low key and fun, tacos and a brewery sound perfect. I think the dressing up / seeing a show / going somewhere fancier is better left for dates 3-on.
I think the first date should be more about talking than eating. Drinks only first, then possibly dinner/snacks if the vibe is good.
I would personally only accept a dinner date. Absolutely no high-end places, though, that’d feel like way too much for a first date unless we already knew each other very well. I’d prefer sharing an experience like that with someone fairly close to me, not someone I have yet to meet.
Edit: Love how people instantly assume that because I’m a woman, I’d want my date to pick up the bill, or even be alright with them offering to. Go sexism.
Okay, someone else already covered the “women are not a monolith” point, so I’ll refrain from beating the shit out of that dead horse.
A $200 first date would be a huge source of pressure and anxiety for me because I’d be wondering whether he is expecting some something in return. That’s a fairly large chunk of change to drop on someone you’re meeting for the first time, you know? What’s the internal ROI calculus there?
For a first date, drinks and maybe splitting an appetizer is more my speed. Dinner is way too much of a time commitment, and the amount of coin you’re talking about makes me instantly suspicious of his intentions.
Why do you feel you need to drop so much on a first date? Are you worried about impressing your date? If that’s the case, focus more on impressing her with your personality and kindness rather than the Michelin rating of your location!
I think variety is the spice of life, so I’m not really expecting anything per se. Generally drinks at a bar, but I’ve also been taken out to some really nice dinners, and concerts, and I think an activity would be cool too for a first date. It just depends on the vibe. But I will say, I’m always impressed when a guy treats you to a nice place / activity – I know it’s like the oldest “trick in the book” but I guess I’ve dated so many lackluster guys, that when someone takes me out somewhere nice, I feel happy & appreciative.
Do whatever you want to do, if they don’t like it they probably won’t like you(since it’s also part of your personality). Sometimes it can just take a while until you find that person.
It really depends, I know women who prefer dinner first dates. I personally only accepted coffee and liquid dinners. My boyfriend says watching me eat is a spectacle.
I typically pursue hooking up first, and only properly date women I’ve already had good sex with. If we haven’t had sex yet, we’ll probably grab drinks and hang out very casually. Any dinner dates and romantic gestures are saved for people I want to keep seeing for an extended period of time.
This works out great and keeps dating very relaxed, fun and equitable.
You probably don’t need to restrict yourself to +/- one year age difference. No one will give you looks if you date a 33 or 37 year old.
Don’t spend 200 dollars on a first date if it’s also a first meet. Just do something simple and cheap where you can chat a bit. They may be super weird in person, or wildly different from their pictures. And me, as a woman, I don’t want hella cash spent when I might be not wanting to go any further once I meet them. That’s a lot of pressure and guilt.
I default to going to a cafe, preferably with alcohol availability. Dinner would be massive overkill.
Personally, I would think coffee and a walk is too casual for me and there are safety concerns. I would not be comfortable going on a walk alone with a man I don’t know.
I wouldn’t have a problem with tacos or a more casual meet up. Having dinner together versus having coffee is better imo. There is enough time to give someone a shot and to talk and get to know each other. For me it’s not about money, it’s about fostering an opportunity to get to know each other. Coffee can last all of 10 minutes and I’m sorry but that’s not enough for me to go through all of the trouble of getting dressed, getting anxious, and foregoing any other plans I may have. But then again, I like to talk to my potential dates for a while before I decide to meet them, so a lot of chemistry has already been established before we meet.
30F, so a little younger than your age ask here, but I like a drinks/coffee first date.
I want to use the time to talk and get to know someone, see if there’s potential. And I want to be able to leave if I’m not feeling it/have a safety concern (luckily never has happened), or extend the date if it’s going well, but an hour-two for a first date seems to be the perfect sweet spot.
Dinner is ok but it’s a big commitment and is very formal, and if it’s not going well is much harder to bail.
I don’t want to be doing an activity that is going to make me sweat (not cute) or be potentially embarrassing, or god forbid have my competitive side come out. A paint nite could be fun but I know most guys aren’t super excited about that. Movies are a no until you’re in a good groove with each other, I think. How am I going to get to know you if we’re watching a movie? Plus I need to know if the person is ok with my snarky remarks during the film…
My expectations for a first date are
– honestly, the person matches the way he’s presented himself though photos and description
– an appropriate amount of attention to the date, not being on the phone out otherwise distracted
– meeting in a public place and not pressuring to get alone
– politeness and social awareness, not being overly vulgar
I wouldn’t expect a man to spend $200 on me on a first date but it wouldn’t be a bad thing as long as he didn’t make a big deal about it. I’d be willing to, and have spent that much on a date
I always do drinks in a nice bar on the first date, never dinner. It’s casual, easy, inexpensive (given that the guy will pay) and because you are sitting side by side and not across an awkward table from each other with food in your mouth half the time, it allows both to get to know each other in a more relaxed environment. The point of a first date is simply to establish that you click and want to see each other again. Then I always do dinner for date 2.
But if a woman expected dinner on a first date then that would be a big red flag for me and we would not be meeting at all. In my experience, first date drinks are perfectly acceptable for the vast majority of women. And I can certainly do without those that somehow feel like they are entitled to more from a complete stranger that, let’s face it, more often than not they will have no intention of ever meeting again.
I (F) don’t do coffee/walk/drink first dates. Just my preference, I know some people are all about it. I’ve also never been asked for a coffee or walk on a first date fwiw.
My dating intentions are clear in that I’m looking for romantic, long-term partnership and I expect the effort on both sides to be indicative of that. I prefer dinner on a first meet (doesn’t have to be super fancy) and nobody I’ve been on a date with has had a problem with that.
I am 30.
I prefer a more formal date, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be expensive. I prefer dinner, but again, doesn’t have to be expensive (though if that’s what is offered, I also appreciate it). I do love the opportunity to dress up, do my hair, and really “wow” for a first date though, and I will tailor that to the venue.
The biggest things to me are that a man is able to suggest a place, as well as a time and date. I’ve been in too many relationships where I have to be the social planner, and so I screen for someone who is also capable of planning fun things for us to do early in dating. I prefer the ability to sit down and have a conversation without distractions for a first date, after that I don’t mind activity dates.
All they will get is a walk in the park an maybe a coffee on top as suggestion. They either take it or leave it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
36F I prefer the walk because it gives an outlet for my nervous energy. I dislike sitting across the table from someone having nothing to look at but them. That’s more intimate than I would prefer meeting someone for the first time. But, fwiw, I’m not in a place for anything serious at all right now so maybe that would change in the future when I’m a bit more open to intimacy
I like doing a low key activity. Walking, putt putt golf, something where you aren’t just sitting and staring at each other, but not so intense that you can’t talk.
For first dates, context matters for me. If I’m meeting an OLD match for the first time, then yeah, just coffee or something. But if it’s someone I’ve already met in real life so I don’t need to vet them on the most basic level of are they who they say they are, do I trust they can carry out fairly normal conversation, then I like to do dinner on a first date. Going out to eat is pretty much my favorite thing to do and I’ll probably enjoy it even if we’re not totally vibing. I wouldn’t pick a tasting menu only place, but yes, absolutely, let’s share a meal.
I usually hate “activity” dates too early on. From having read this sub for a while, though, I know my preferences are the exact opposite of an awful lot of people. So I guess your best bet is to give people a choice? Propose two different (specific!) ideas and see which one they go for?
First date i went on w my bf was drinks at a nice cocktail bar. That for me was the right balance of date and low pressure.
Personally, I’m a big fan of spending time with the other person and getting to know them. Dinner and drinks would be great, but the more casual the better. I’m not the kind of girl that needs a $200 sushi dinner, just time talking to the person and getting to know them. Quality time is important to me, but in the sense that I want to make sure you’re just as interested in me as I am in you. Been burned too many times by selfish people.
My first “date” with L was drinks at a karaoke bar, peanut butter crackers out of a 24 hour laundromat vending machine, and coffee at her place at like 3am.
Our first planned date was a hike, followed by Wendy’s.
I’d argue you should plan a first date you’re comfortable with, and if the woman turns up her nose at that, you guys probably aren’t a great match anyway.
Lunch
First date was always just a drink or two. Worked pretty well for me.
First date to me can vary. Usually it’s just an initial meet to see how their personality is like so it can be whatever to bring that out.
Just a coffee IMO can be a bit boring. I’d rather do something so we can interact and talk about what we’re doing too instead of like “how’s your coffee” lame small talk as filler. I’ll pick something that one of us wants to do, so even if we aren’t meant to go on at least we’d have a fun time out doing something that one of us wanted like try a new restaurant or play a board game they like. If they want to try some new coffee place then sure, not going to write that off
Some may say don’t do food incase it gets awkward and you can’t just bail. Dinner IMO is more of a second date to get more intimate and have some sort of comfort. Lunch is good since it can be limited to an hour and you’ll get more signals than just coffee.
IE – are they eating to show that theyre comfortable with you, or just picking at their plate and looking around? Cant tell this if you just get coffee
Are they leaning into the table and towards you, or sitting back into their chair away from you? Cant tell this if you go for a walk.
Makes it a bit more memorable. Only thing I won’t do is a place we can’t talk, like some workout class or go to a movie. What’s the point to meet them and cant communicate
I guess I fit the demographic. I can handle a formal / fancy date but would prefer something less so.
I prefer the low-key date but details matter. I’d love a taco date but not at a Taco Bell.
First date with my partner was sandwiches at a cool diner. Low effort, low cost but it felt like we were somewhere special.
All of the dates I’ve had were fine with drinks/coffee. Hell, one time we just went to the park and threw a Frisbee around. That was really fun. But I date a wide range of ages. It really just depends on the person, and what vibe they are giving off. If someone is really into you(as far as attractiveness and text Convo before the date), what you do on the first date becomes just a bit less important.
I go on coffee dates as a first date. I’m queer, so my expectation is that whoever does the asking will pay, and then I try to take turns paying for any subsequent dates.
This might just be a me thing, but on a coffee date I usually want to get a pastry or something too. It makes it feel more special. So it irks me if the person who asked me out orders a drink and nothing else, because I can’t very well order a treat when they haven’t. If you’re paying, the other person may feel like they can’t exceed whatever you spend on yourself, so I would just be wary of spending too little.
I would never go on a date where I didn’t expect to go Dutch or separate checks. I do not like strange men buying me things.
Who is spending that much money on a first date?
Have some ideas to pull from that allow for a quick end if needed (no dinner, you’re trapped) and prioritize safety. Suggest 2-3 options. DO NOT push for alcohol.
Drinks of some sort, whether they be alcoholic or caffeinated.
Walk in a known very public, safe area.
Themed bars or other venues like ones with board games.
I just expect safety and respect my boundaries 😅
Female here, and I prefer drinks for a first date! I am fine with a happy hour that has nice cocktails or wine, so you get a better ambiance than a regular bar but for a more affordable price. It really depends on your convo in lead up too, if she mentions loving X or X. I appreciate dinner on date 2 or 3, then from there – we plan together!
I invited one woman recently to dinner and a movie over text. No response. I invited another woman on a date and I said “we can figure out the details later” and she accepted. I’ll take communicative and easygoing over a woman who ignored my formal dinner date. Low effort, low cost is the way to go IMO. Less pressure.
As formal as it’s typical for him. It’s a plus if our preferences match, but, like you, I’m comfortable with a wide array of venues and won’t say no unless the place is truly bottom-of-the-barrel (or not suitable for conversation). I just don’t want him to pretend to be someone he’s not in the hopes of impressing me; if you’re not comfortable at fancy dinners, please don’t suggest that in the attempt to flaunt your wealth, because it doesn’t further your cause in the least and I don’t take bribes. The first date should be more or less representative of where the person likes to hang out.
If you’re really stumped, make two or three suggestions of varying levels of formality, and see which of them she goes for.
Save the activities for later dates, IMO. First dates are for getting to know each other, and foosball or go-karts or anything of the sort may be fun, but don’t tell you much about the person’s character and intentions.
I personally think the most important thing is just getting to know the other individual on the first date. 200 is a lot for the first date for me. Then again it is whatever you feel comfortable with.
I’m 30 and my ideal date would be a nice bar that you can order small bites at too.
It’s not as casual as just drinks and not as formal as a sit down meal and the idea of sharing plates is good as you can get to know what type of food they like.
I’m a massive foodie so something like that is important to me, I can’t date fussy eaters!
Coffee and a walk is 100% OK to figure out if you’re a match and if worth pursuing further, imo
Dinner as a first date is just…bad in my opinion. Would be fine if you had met before or were friends but as a online first date no.
​
Just going to look at each other across a table while you are 100% stuck there for at least an hour.
Walking, tea, coffee, activity dates are much better imho.
I will pay for the first date but its not going to be a meal worth $100 or something.
My only addition to this lovely thread re: the age context is that, whatever the activity (coffee, dinner, drinks at the bar, hayride), I like to dress a little better/more intentionally than I did 10 years ago. I don’t necessarily mean formal or glam, but it makes me smile when I know my date’s put some effort into her outfit, so I like to return the favor. It reminds me of my dad always wearing a blazer to dinners out. It’s just a sign of respect for your date and for the occasion.
Since moving from NYC to SoCal, I’ve noticed guys here dress wayyy down, while ladies seem to still keep their standards high. I feel a little embarrassed when I see a couple on their anniversary dinner and the dude’s in an untucked polo shirt and sneakers and she’s in an evening gown.
First date as in first meeting? I choose only drinks every time. I’m not getting stuck having dinner with someone I immediately know I’m not interested in.
I’ve gone to fancy cocktail bars and I’ve gone to dives. I couldn’t care less. But if you choose an expensive place then you better be expecting to pick up the tab. If she chooses it, then only pay for her if you want to.
If this is someone you already know IRL then you probably have a pretty good idea what she likes just through conversation. I like to go for dinner if it’s someone I already know. Or honestly any activity/event that been brought up as something we are both interested in. If you’re not sure then just ask her. Phrase it like “are you more in the mood for tacos or tapas?, food truck or fancy?”
As a woman, I prefer something casual that isn’t a huge investment of time or resources for either party. Something where you’re in and out in an hour if you aren’t feeling it, but can stay longer if you’re enjoying it. I don’t want to be committed for a three hour activity with someone I’m not into.
I tend to like drinks dates, as it’s much more romantic than coffee (and you can do “another round” if you’re feeling it), but coffee or a walk can work. I do not like dinner dates (and lunch dates feel like business meetings!) but if someone asks, I’ll generally accept.
If a first date goes well, dinner, a museum, or an activity can all make good second and third dates. Doesn’t have to be fancy — tacos and margaritas sounds great — but I want it to be good (eg, pick a place with decent tacos!). And never pick an activity you aren’t good at/aren’t comfortable with/will be self conscious doing or someone needs skills they don’t have to enjoy.
Some second or third dates I enjoyed:
– meeting at a grocery store to buy picnic supplies, then doing wine and cheese at a nearby park
– pool and darts at a dive bar with games
– a nice dinner at a trendy restaurant (though usually not TOO NICE, as I’d be nervous about expectations if a guy is spending too much)
– renting bike shares and riding around the city and ending somewhere to get drinks
– an interesting museum followed by a walk and dinner
– mini golf
– farmers market and a walk
– First Friday art crawl
– walking a historic trail with signs and a marked route and stopping to get food and drinks along the way
A third or fourth date is often more relaxed, like cooking at someone’s house, if you’re comfortable by that point.
Personally for a first date, i used to enjoy going out for a drink or maybe a low key activity. Something where you can get to know them.
Before I was engaged and went for drink dates, I would like them to offer the first drink, then if I was into them I would offer to buy second round.
I am quite traditional, so for me if he offered it was a good sign, especially if he asked me out. If I initiated or suggested drinks I would offer first round.
I don’t think spending a fortune on a first date necessarily makes it any better. It’s all about the flow of conversation and being able to laugh or have fun.
I met my now fiancé during COVID, so for our first date we couldn’t do much, just went for a walk and talked. Was the best first date I had. Spent most of the time laughing, lots of banter and getting to know him.
Wishing you all the best.
I’m your age and female, and fairly recently got back onto OLD. All my first dates have been coffee dates and I’m all for it. Totally makes sense to me that you don’t want to spend that much money on a first date when you’re just starting to get to know someone and figure out if there’s long-term potential.
I personally like coffee/drink dates because they’re low pressure situations, and if you don’t click with someone they’re easy to exit. Not every woman will agree with me, but I don’t think the first date needs to be super formal. I don’t want to be stuck in a long dinner with someone if I am not feeling it.