I’m a single mom of two kids a boy of 13 and a girl of 10 and have been dating a man for the past month. He briefly met my children recently and the next day invited me to go out bowling with him and his seven-year-old son. I wasn’t supposed to have my kids that day but they ended up with me so all five of us went out.
My kids were super polite and, since they had run out of phone/screen time decided to just have fun the old-fashioned way and talk and get to know my date. Things were going well but I noticed that his son had his phone out the entire time for hours on end even past midnight as we were cosmic bowling. I couldn’t help but make the observation and pointed out to my date. He told me that he realized it was an issue and that his son was pretty addicted to the phone but that ever since he and his coparent had split mom didn’t have many limits. I responded that he also was the parent and if he wanted to he could take the phone away but he replied that it would cause a huge issue and be super upsetting for his son.
As an educator, with a lot of experience with children, this seriously concerned me and I’m used to hearing these kinds of excuses from permissive parents all the time. What usually results from this kind of parenting is a child who is unable to regulate their behavior and emotions and basically runs the household. I’m definitely not a perfect parent that’s not the case, but I do have strict structures and routines in place at my house and my kids do have their moments, but are incredible kids who are described as kind, helpful, respectful, and are top academic performing students at school.
Both of us are Hispanic and part of my choice in dating this man came from the fact that we could both speak English and Spanish but mostly Spanish together. My children know that my expectation is that they only speak Spanish at home as I wish to have them continue our traditions and honor our heritage And as a past dual language teacher it’s very important to me. I spoke to his child in Spanish asking if he wanted some thing from the menu first he ignored me then when he realized I was speaking to him he was like yeah I don’t understand Spanish. When my dad came back from the restroom I mentioned this and he said oh yes his mom was forced to speak Spanish when she was a kid and so she said she was not going to force him to learn. When I learned this it was another thing that I realized I am not happy about only because if we do choose to take this in a serious direction, and we both agreed that we are looking for marriage and family, I’m not sure what this would look like as a family unit.
So I’d like to humbly ask for y’all’s opinion. Am I tripping over these two things or being overly critical? I am considering not continuing to date this man because of the concern over parenting styles and the language issue. I think he’s wonderful and we get along very well when he was here briefly and met my kids we all spoke Spanish with some English intermixed which I’m OK with not thrilled but OK and everything seemed great but I also understand that he and his little boy are a package deal.
What would you all do in my position? Should I keep searching or are these issues that can be worked on with communication? I think we’ve been out on six dates total over the course of a month or so and the most that he has also done is hold my hand for a moment. There has been no physical intimacy beyond that, no kiss, and while I do actually like this because it seems so respectful and old-fashioned, I am wondering if I will develop any sort of romantic/sexual interest in him. I don’t feel like I am wanting to take it to the physical level yet but I wonder if that’s only because he hasn’t made a move.
I appreciate any advice or thoughts from this community and thank you in advance.
TLDR; I’m dating a man with a son whom he and his ex parent with very few limits. I’m the opposite, can this work long term?
2 comments
One thing to consider, with regards to his parenting, is that almost every man is terrified of losing custody of his kids.
We’ve all heard horror stories of women lying to the courts to use our kids as weapons, and even if they aren’t doing that, the vast majority of the time the mothers get primary custody of the children regardless and hold a lot of power in us being able to see them as a result. (As in, if the child is under her primary care, unless a judge or court order specifically states you get to see them for x amount of time on x days, she can always just say no to you having them for any reason she wants)
So, I have no idea if this is the case for him, but it could be, the lack of Spanish, and the screen time, is both because he’s terrified if his son mentions you, and the new standards and values being introduced to his mother then she might react badly and make his life difficult.
However,
If we assume that isn’t the case, and he’s not worried about it.
Just speak to him privately, explaining exactly where you stand with regards to values and the importance of them to you (plus the benefits his son will have being dual lingual in the job market etc) and see where he stands.
If your values don’t align, then there’s nothing wrong with walking away
It sounds like an issue, but definitely something you can work through. You guys should date for several months without involving your kids and then discuss together how to resolve these issues before introducing your kids to each other and merging families. If you guys have only been dating a month, you shouldn’t be hanging out with each other’s kids yet.