My husband doesnt find me attractive after weight gain

36 comments

1. My dad was the same way… sorry, but I’d ditch the man if he didn’t love me regardless.

2. I am sorry that you are going through this.

   I don’t know how old you are, but how is he going to respond when body naturally changes as part of the aging process?

   In the end, I think you need to have a real heart to heart conversation.

3. Based on your post history, it looks like you’ve gone through a lot medically. I’ve been there: I have a pain disorder. Lyrica helped me immensely but it made me put on weight quickly.

   My advice is to take care of yourself. You can’t make him want you. And his demands on you appear to be very shallowly based and that isn’t what true partnership is about. If you’re going through multiple medication changes, anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, and a recent surgery, he should be supporting you through this—not hassling you to fit into some physical ideal.

   Work on getting a handle on your anxiety and depression. Work on getting healthy. If he’s not offering you the support to work through that, he is not the person for you.

4. Im sorry ❤️ I’d say it is time, you’ll find someone who will love you exactly how you are. Also, what does his friend have to do with the two of you having sex?

5. I’m only slightly taller than you and when I got down to 55kgs I looked sick, I was gaunt and kind of looked like a bobble head. It was obviously not a healthy weight. I’m currently sitting a bit under 70kgs and I’m healthy and fit, do I want to be a bit smaller? Yes. Am I happy the way I am? Also yes. He should love you for who you are as a person not for his “ideal” body type. We all change as we get older, we’re not always going to be the shape we were when we were teenagers – and that’s a good thing!! I’m sorry he can’t see past his view of what you should look like.

6. My husband said he lost attraction for me too. Come to find out he was hiding his porn addiction from me for years. I’m in therapy and it has helped a lot. It also shined light on the emotional abuse cycle we were in. Now that I understand emotional abuse better, I can recognize him start it and now I don’t play into it any more. We are in the process of divorcing since he is choosing to not address his issues. I’m working on mine no matter what he decides to do. Your worth as a person does not depend on your weight. Your body is yours alone and you alone get to decide what you want to do with it. Period.

7. This is the good thing about relying on looks and body type, with age they will always stay the same…always. He doesn’t find you attractive over 38 pound weight gain? Definitely consider your options if he’s checking out of the relationship simply bc of weight gain. It should be you he loves, not the body. There def are others who will find you attractive for you, not just your body.

8. I dont know from your post if your husband is a jerk who doesnt love you or just a guy who isnt sexually excited by you when youre not healthy. If its the former, theres not much you can do. If its the latter, just focus on living healthy (diet, exercise most days at least 30 minutes that leaves you out of breath) and don’t think too hard about your weight. If that (what you should be doing for yourself anyways) isn’t enough for him, there isn’t much you can realistically do anyways, and it’s time to make hard decisions about your future together.

9. This is common for women with medical issues. Actually, doctors have this talk with women when they are diagnosed with illnesses.

   I’d lose weight – all 150lb of your husband.

   I’ve gained weight throughout marriage. My husband loves me even more. I’m sorry but I don’t feel you love someone if it changes that easily based on weight.

10. You are worth more than your weight. Your weight doesn’t show how worthy you are of love.

    Focus on your health. Do not focus on losing weight for him. If you make your health worst trying to attain his desired weight you will be alone anyway. LOVE yourself first. Make yourself healthy – that is between you and your medical team.

    There isn’t a tree grown in your face so you don’t have to cling to someone who doesn’t value you.

11. This is not going to end well for you. Your husband’s love for you seems to vacillate based on your weight, and that is pitiful. It’s not like you weigh 500 pounds, can’t walk, need a wheelchair, or are too lazy to do anything about your weight. You’ve had health problems. Sometimes, it’s hard to worry about maintaining your weight when you are just trying to get healthy.

    Your husband *might* change as he ages because, like it or not, he is going to age. He can stay fit and slim, but his hair will still go grey or fall out, his skin will still sag, he will still have aches & pains…he is going to age. You can keep the outside looking as perfect as ever, but inside your body is saying, “Sorry, dude, you’re 50/60/70, and shit is happening in here.”

    Your problem is that he puts his high value of youthfulness on *you.* And if you can’t conform, he loves you less. He shows you he is less attracted to you by refusing to have sex with you, and he makes you feel worthless & small by checkout out women who are thinner than you. That is shitty husband behavior.

    You ask if it’s time “to let him find someone else.” I think it’s time for *you* to find someone else. Someone who values you as a person, not as an escort or for only your physical appearance. A man who truly loves you will not stop loving you because you gain some weight, even 40 pounds. If you want to stay with him, I guess you could work out together, plan healthy meals together, go for walks together. But if he just wants to do his thing & demand that you do something but not together, he is all about appearances. Not sure how you live like that.

12. Losing and gaining weight is something that a lot of us go through during all our lives. Especially those of us who didn’t win the genetic lottery of losing weight easily. But it can be fixed IF the person is doing it for the good reasons and in a healthy way. You should never do it just to please someone else.

    If your husband can’t accept you just because you gained weight, I would be worried about the future. Beauty is not forever and it feels like he will always find a defect on you to lose interest again. Are you going to keep trying to change every part of your body just to please a shallow person who is more interested in your looks rather than in the person, the human being that has feelings and a lot of good qualities to her?.

    We’re not just a “pretty” face or “hot” body, we are humans and humans have flaws, but when someone loves you, TRULLY loves you, they like every part of you, even your flaws. When someone loves you they see every new wrinkle, every new grey hair, every dark spot as something that indicates that you’re growing old together, leaving youth behind but your bond grows stronger. It’s never about the physical appearance, it’s about a more deeper and stronger connection between 2 people that chose to be together. And we all deserve to have that kind of relationship, even you.

13. Then lose 100kg by dumping him.

14. He’s probably wanking too much

15. Tell him to get bent.

    Your value, your worth, your lovability, etc has NOTHING to do with your weight or looks. It says more about him being a vain and shallow tool.

    Yes, we all have preferences about what we like and don’t like. But my husband sure don’t look like Jason Momoa (even if I squint) and I still love my husband. Most of the time haha.

16. I feel empathy for you, but it sounds like you married a very shallow person. What did you expect your life to be like with a person such as this?

17. My dad did this crap to my mom. She took so many diet pills, she destroyed her thyroid.

    So what size do YOU want to be? If it’s not his Olive Oil ideal, show him the door.

18. My husband likes thinner women. He’s told me so.

    But after the birth of our son (and me putting on 50lbs – I am 163cm and was about 80kg) he told me with absolute honesty that I was the most sexually attractive and beautiful woman he’s ever seen and that the growing of our life and love made him.more attracted to me than ever.

    Your husband needs to find a way to find you beautiful regardless of the weight. That’s on him. That’s part of a lifelong marriage – continously finding beauty in your chosen partner.

    Managing your health, that’s on you. And right now, managing your health looks like weight gain due to medication and likely stress. Get ahead and be comfortable with those things and then you can begin to look at other lifestyle changes (if you want).

    Either way, couples counseling is probably going to help because then you two can communicate about big hard subjects while also navigating the baggage that comes with it.

    #Eta: ignore all of what I said. Focus on you, your health, and your happiness. Keep this man around if he is supporting you. Don’t if he isn’t. You are worthy, you are valuable, and you are beautiful. You don’t need to deal with this stress on top of everything else. Best wishes and all the love.#

19. In my opinion as a male 61 year old, I love my wife of 40 years more than anything! She no longer has any interest in sex, but I love her and will always find her attractive! Guess you learn as you age what is really important!

20. I was really heavy when I got married in 2005 and I got really thin in 2017. My husband doesn’t like thin. I mean, he loved me anyway and never made me feel like he didn’t want to touch me, but he vocalized his preference. But he also is fine with me being what I’m comfortable with. If he’s doing that to you, then his love is conditional, and you don’t need that.

21. Maybe he’s kind of gay… doesn’t like female form

22. Poor him. He can’t get over the weight gain of his partner AND he doesn’t like aging? I assure you that is is 100% his issue nobody can fix for him. I remember my ex, who was like your husband and such a ‘desirable bachelor’ by those reality TV show standard. I lost a few pounds within a week as I couldn’t keep food in my stomach and everyone was worried about me thinking I was being anorexic(I wasn’t), but my ex was overjoyed at my physique. Didn’t even ask what was going on or if I was feeling ok. The relationship ended nearly a decade ago and he was dating much younger and skinnier girls but still occasionally check out my social account (I’m sure I’m not the only one). Some people just can’t be happy with anything.

23. OP, that kind of weight gain is not healthy, even if it’s caused by medication. You are technically overweight which can cause further health issues. Have you discussed your weight with your doctor?

    Why is everyone being mean to the husband and basically telling her he’s an arse? You can’t help what you’re physically attracted to. He’s not being mean to her about it. She even said he wants to but isn’t aroused by her.

24. 36 5’3″ 163lbs really doesn’t even sound that bad

25. The fact that he is so unattracted to you that he can’t get hard is, frankly, a huge red flag. Assuming he has no health issues of his own that could be causing erectile dysfunction, this speaks volumes about how he feels about you and how much emphasis he places on your physical appearance even after years of marriage.

    It doesn’t sound like you’ve “let yourself go,” either. You are dealing with health problems and a side effect of some of the medication is weight gain. There’s not much you can do about this while still taking care of your health. One would hope your spouse would prefer you be healthy and fat than skinny and ill, but evidently that’s not the case.

    While physical attraction obviously matters, and it is somewhat out of his control what he finds attractive, the fact that he literally can’t get hard for his wife just because you’ve gained weight really makes me wonder what else might be going on with him.

26. I’m the same height and I have gone through pretty much the same weights as you, just at different times. I was 110lbs when I met my husband, thenI seem to have settled to around 125 as I’ve gotten older. Health issues and then pregnancies had me at 158 at my heaviest (not while pregnant.)

    My husband loves me and my body and finds me sexy and attractive at all sizes, *because he loves me.* We are very blunt and honest with each other, and have talked about weight a lot. He does find weight to be a factor in attraction, but it has never affected our relationship. I think it’s a major problems that your husband can’t get it up because of your weight, and the fact that he “doesn’t like aging” is a huge red flag; I’m not one to jump to “he’s going to cheat” but it would seriously concern me if my partner preferred younger thinner women while I’m aging and my body size can’t be helped. That’s a scary thing in a relationship. The fact that your husband’s attraction to you is so fragile that it hangs on things that you literally cannot help means he’s got a lot of issues that you cannot help him with.

27. He sounds super insecure.

28. I’m not shaming, so please don’t take this in the wrong way, but if you are trying your best then that is all you can do. My husband has gained over 50kg in the last five years and hates his weight. While I do miss his slimmer body and try to help where I can, he is actively doing nothing to help The situation. I find candy and sodas hidden around the house, in his car, and in the trash. I’ve bent over backwards to help when he asked, just to find he doesn’t care or his food addiction is just that bad. That is what turns me off with my husband. He won’t seek help and hates His body. I’ve had two kids and cook healthy balanced meals and have gained 8lbs. I’m not perfect, but I love my body, and I think if you love yourself and own it, that can do a lot. If your confident in your skin, it shows.

29. **It’s time to let YOU find someone else**

30. My wife is heavier than when we married. 2 children and a few health problems but she is still my beautiful wife and the only one I want. I love her and to be honest I think she looks good what ever weight. If you asked what my type is on paper it might not be exactly what I’m married to but we have been together 30years and I wouldn’t change or swap her for anyone.

31. What do you guys be saying no one is owed sex? Alright keep that same energy now

32. so I may have misread your comment and I apologize if so, but the way I am reading it you are saying he isn’t attracted to you because he can’t get an erection? He could have a medical problem. If he’s flat out said he’s not attracted to you then yes, get rid of him BUT if you’re taking his inability to get an erection for sex with you as him not finding you attractive then I’d simply approach him about possibly getting ED meds. It’s possible he feels bad that he can’t get it up and is to ashamed to bring it up.

    again, sorry if I misinterpreted what you said. If he’s said things like he’s not attracted to you anymore then obviously he is not the right partner for you. I am simply saying you can’t just judge that by his penis working or not.

33. So I’m american and by my math that is almost a 40 pound weight gain. Many people (raises hand) would consider this an unattractive gain. It appears you are married to somebody who, like me, is not attracted to heavy women. This does mean he is right or you are wrong, only that you and he are no longer compatible partners.

34. I deal with chronic health issues and weight fluctuation so I understand your situation.

    What I will say is this: your husband’s priority ABOVE sexual gratification, should be that you are healthy and well. Period. He should be your partner in your recovery and management process, not someone waiting in the wings until the ramifications of your illness disappear.

    If your husband slows things down physically, it should be because he knows you’re in pain and exhausted, not because he’s inconvenienced by an illness YOU’RE experiencing.

35. go to strict zero carbs and the weight will fall off you. if he still cannot get it up, you can just leave and don’t need to be miserable anymore.

36. I am a man who wants and desires curvy busty beautiful full figured woman only…