Okay, I don’t want to sound needy but we have been dating 6months and he (32M) and I (29F) have been texting everyday since the first time we started dating. This is my first relationship, I am clueless, he has been in several (sometimes when we argue he even uses that as an excuse like “ive been in relationships before I know how it works” but in my mind im like… if you know how it works why’d all your past relationships fail… but then again I have never been in one because of my fear of commitment so who am I to state that out loud?) anyway so yesterday he just didn’t text me at all,,, not even a “ill take a me day and focus on myself” or whatever…. So I got worried.., he has been dealing with a lot of mental health issues and I am trying to support him through it all. i tried not to be upset because I rationalized that maybe he was busy and I did text him at night wondering if he was okay to which he did not reply. He finally texted this afternoon and i told him i would appreciate it if he gave me a heads up next time he took a “me” day so I wouldn’t worry. He didn’t acknowledge that statement;he just said “sorry you’re having a bad day today, wanna talk later?” And I said.,. I’m not having a bad day. And yes talk later. Like..,, is it just me? Instead of acknowledging the fact that i got upset because he practically dropped me yesterday, he says I am upset today? I am confused; please feel free to be brutally honest. I know when I need a me day, I mention it to him so he won’t be worried or wonder why I suddenly drop him. But why couldn’t he do the same for me? I dunno please help I am confused maybe I am just too needy, yeah i am too needy?
5 comments
Slow down my friend, a day it’s not big deal.
If there’s anything you take away from this. Never expect people to do the same for you as you would for them.
Personally i dont think it is to much to ask for just a quick “hey! Super busy today, but i hope you have a great one…talk to you tomorrow ”
Just so you dont worry that he was in a car accident or had a medical emergency.
Maybe come up with an emoji signal between the two of you so you know the other is ok, but unavailable to really chat or whatever…like a pineapple or something 🍍 lol
The I’ve been in relationships before and know how it works that to me personally just nope. It throws me off cause just cause he has been in ones proper like you mentioned they weren’t successful ones. Even they could have ended for various reasons. Also using it in arguments nah.
Also a day of not talking it’s not really a big deal. However, if you’re someone who values communication. You get worried let it be known. Like her checking up on you are you okay. If he needs a me day sure. This is your first relationship so in the end you’ll be learning a lot about yourself when it comes to dating.
There’s two separate things to consider off the bat; first, because it’s your first, you’re unsure what’s “right” and what’s “wrong.” All you need to know is that you should only do what you’re comfortable with. Second, him having experience doesn’t make him right. It’s currently being used as a manipulation tactic.
To the specific example, he’s again being manipulative. He’s literally gaslighting you. I wouldn’t inherently have issue with him taking a bit to respond. There’s, however, a major issue with him ignoring your concern and making you the problem.
In summary, run. You’re always going to be “wrong” in this relationship. You can’t talk to him. You’ll have to confirm that by looking over how things have worked over the last six months. Have you ever been acknowledged? Or has there always been a deflection that made you the problem? If that’s the case, then you’re experiencing textbook gaslighting.
Off the bat, the correct advice is to break up. This isn’t how healthy relationships work. But in the interest of doing what would normally be the first move (and to learn), sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel, and be firm about it. When he deflects or turns it around on you, once again lay out the reality. If he won’t acknowledge it and makes it seem like you’re crazy, then you can at least confirm I’m right, and walk away knowing it was the absolute right decision. Good luck.