I don’t know what to say or what to do. I’m a 26 year old dude and never attended a funeral before. The worst part about this is that his father died today and it’s my birthday. I’m a bit of an introvert and I really don’t like social gatherings. Right now there are a lot of relatives in his house and I don’t even know what I’m going to do if I go there. How do I comfort him? I’m thinking of not going entirely but I feel like it’s my duty to be there at his lowest point.
6 comments
GO!! Now!!! Just spend time with him, help him get his thoughts off that shit before he gets mental damage from negative thoughts
Go. Don’t ask “what can I do?”. Ask a concrete question about help. “Friend, do you have something for dinner tonight? Do you have coffee and filters for the folks coming in and out? ” Then you run to the store and get coffee, filters, etc., a casserole (or make one yourself).
When my mom died, there was nothing in her house for my sisters and I to eat, we arrived at night, and no stores were opened. Someone had sent us a fruit/snack basket earlier in the day. That’s what we had for dinner and breakfast the next morning.
Also, if there was medical equipment in the house, ask if you can help by calling to have it removed (it’s usually provided by rental companies). Make sure your friend is busy while the stuff is being removed. It’s a final step that is heartbreaking, such a hard step.
Good luck, you got this.
He’s going to be in major distracted/devastated mode, so ANYTHING you say, with sympathy will be well received and won’t be overthought. So just a simple, “I’m so sorry man! This is SO hard. I just want to be here for you, let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
There MAY be things you can do! Like order a sandwich platter and bring it to the family’s house. Or deliver a tray of bagels/doughnuts in the morning. Or ask him if that would be okay to do.
Just be sympathetic and put the birthday on the back burner. You sound like an awesome friend. When you meet anyone from the family, just identify yourself as Friend’s buddy, or “friend of the family,” etc. I think it’s always welcome to ask if anyone has any cool memories of the deceased, but feel that out a bit to see if people are in a mood to talk.
Make some food for the family and take it over there. Spend some time with your friend. You’ll pick up rather quickly if they want to reminisce with the family about the deceased, or maybe they just want to escape and get out. Have a few places in mind if they want to flee.
Edit: make, buy something from the deli, whatever. Food is comforting and folks don’t necessarily feel like cooking while grieving.
It would mean a lot to your friend to show support right now. You can pick another day to have a celebration.
Just go with the flow, stick around if he wants you to or if he asks you for space don’t bother him, it was his dad not yours, plus, your 26 so I’m guessing he’s around the same age. at some point every male around age 25 + concludes that their aging dad could pass at any time and therefore it’s important to spend time with our parents/fathers, talk and have discussions.
Theres really no point in consoling someone when you don’t understand the relationship between them and their father plus the whole family gathers around and tries to get closure with each others presence. You can’t do much either way besides just be there, if he wants you to. At the same time some people act strange around death and don’t know how to react, or cope, they really need counseling for closure. Sucks that it was on your birthday though, and so close to Halloween. Idk tough spot to be in cause you wanted to celebrate but seeing your friend in pain makes you want to be around.