Throwaway account.
I’m a cameraman and the production company I work for has offered me a job on an upcoming reality TV show about sex. It’s nothing new really. Just interviews with sex positive people sharing their opinions. I explained it to my gf and she was okay with it, until I got to the part where I mentioned that I would have to shoot cutaways. For those of you who don’t know what cutaways are, it’s literally footage to cut away to while someone is talking, hence the name. Since the show will cover a variety of sex topics like sex toys, BDSM, sexual positions, etc., the types of cutaways I would end up shooting would have to show those things. I would have to shoot models who reenact whatever the people in the interviews talk about. My gf stopped me right there and said she’s not comfortable with me filming models doing sexual things. She made it clear that she didn’t want me to accept the job, even though the money is great and I’ve never showed any signs of being unfaithful.
Is it a red flag if I said I really wanna do this job anyway? It’s actually a really good opportunity for me to grow in the company.
26 comments
Red. Flag.
Your life, your career, her insecurities.
I guess it’s kind of flattering that she thinks these people featured on the show will be powerless against your animal magnetism!
Go get that money and boost your career…
I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t take the job. But, please respect her insecurities.
Tough one. Personally, as a former production guy, I’d say stick to your guns and take the job. Over the years I shot stuff that would be considered NSFW (lingerie fashion show, BDSM fashion show, etc) but they were jobs. All I cared about was if the shot/lighting was good and in focus.
I’m sure you already have explained it to her in those terms, but maybe if she knew it to be a professional venture (and not a “pleasure” thing), she’d be a little more willing to understand it.
Didn’t you know half the shoots in porn/nude work end with the cameraman/men joining in? Yeah, it’s tradition. /s
Seriously what DOES she expect you to get up to? It’s kinda ridiculous.
Just be honest with her and never hide what you’re doing, that’s just going to make things 100x worse.
If you want to do this, do it. It’s a job and nothing more. You aren’t touching anybody and I presume you aren’t even alone with these people, so… I wouldn’t know why it would be a red flag if you said you want this. I think it’s more a red flag if she forbids you. She didn’t even let you finish explaining what the job was about.
You need to put your career first.
🚩Yup. It’s fine for her to feel a little insecure. Feelings come up and, she can’t necessarily control those feelings. What’s not fine is her making that your issue to fix, especially at the expense of your livelihood. Your going to be working on a professional environment and there is no legitimate reason why you shouldn’t take the job.
Curious…Do you watch porn? Does she know? Is there something specific, outside of simply being in the presence of sex acts, that she has a problem with?
Has she explained why she’s uncomfortable? What is she worried about happening?
Personally I think your gf is being a bit much here, but playing devil’s advocate:
If you remove your job from the equation and were just watching two people have sex in person, would your gf feel justified in having an issue with it? I make this point to underscore that your girlfriend may not see the job changing the situation much. But, going back to the job scenario, what if part of the job suddenly became shooting porn on the regular, or actually participating. It’s still just a job, but clearly that would be a reasonable boundary for your girlfriend to have.
This is not to dissuade you from taking the work. I think boundaries are healthy, but some boundaries are grounded more in reality and common social norms than others. And if she chooses to end it over you taking the job, its fully her choosing her insecurities over the relationship, and not you choosing your job over the relationship.
But you should always try to see things from others points of view and from hers, she is probably thinking a) the job is irrelevant to the fact you are present for a sex act involving people that are not her and/or b) we all would have boundaries in what we’d accept in our partners’ job, and this is hers.
Honestly as a girlfriend I would also feel a little insecure just because I know they’re models. Not necessarily because I think my boyfriend would have sex with them or anything but simply because it would be sexual topics with attractive women. I trust my boyfriend and would never want to sabotage his career but I’d be lieing if I said that situation wouldn’t make me feel a bit insecure. I honestly think a good sit down talk would help to just clarify that it is a job and that’s something she would have to work on personally. This is just something that would require communication and reassurance.
I think it’s a very tricky situation and I can see both sides of it. Needs lots of discussion and understanding from both sides. I think I’d be upset if my boyfriend had to do that, but I’d try to balance it with “hey, it’s just work” and “well, the money’s good”. She can’t really help being upset by it, I guess. Her telling you how she feels is a good thing. I think that’s preferable over staying quiet but secretly hating you.
It’s on you to decide what you do, knowing how she feels. You can’t let someone control your career decisions. If you’re going to do this anyway, just be prepared for her to react negatively, and work out what you’ll do when that happens.
Just talk to her about it. Explain why.
As a guy I personally wouldn’t be comfortable having my wife filming sex scenes and vice versa. That’s just US, and OUR relationship. Has nothing to do with being insecure. It’s just poor taste IMO and feels wrong but everyone’s compass is different. My wife goes to girls nights, has been to different states without me because I trust her and I’m secure in our relationship. But shooting a sex scene or going to a strip club or anything sexually inclined just doesn’t sit right with either of us.
Your SO has set a boundary and now it’s up to you to figure out why she’s saying this and if it works for you. People telling you to walk away or “red flag” or “just do it” are asinine and selfish at best. A relationship (healthy one) is compromise. If you’re not on board with compromising don’t get in a relationship.
Besides from your post it doesn’t seem this job is a game changer in any sense of the word. If you drop it would you lose out that much on your career? Is sex scenes something you’ve always wanted to do?
She’s not asking you to quit your job, just not taking this one is my assumption.
Again things you two have to hash out. Be a grown up man, not a boy with “my way or the highway mentality”.
I mean reenactments are just that. They are suggestive in nature. I’ve worked on plenty of sets where actors are nude or partial nude and have to preform on set. There’s a usually a high level of respect that goes into those scenes where privacy is respected and everything is kept professional. You should educate your girlfriend on that process to show that its not innapropriate.
It’s surprising how quickly something like this can turn banal. For a couple of years I played guitar in a band that was basically a stripper fronting a metal band playing songs about sex. Some shows got pretty raunchy, but after performing with them half a dozen times, the naked twister (yes really) became just another place for a guitar solo.
Needs more info about why this is an issue for her. She jealous of you being around other women who are doing sexual things or wearing sexy things? She think that you might end up having to participate somehow? She think these actors might try to seduce you? Whatever the reason it’ll be easier to reconcile once they’re out in the open and you can figure out what might help lessen her concern. It might just be she hasn’t processed and this caught her off guard and talking it through more might help get her back to a more rational perspective on it.
If it really can’t be resolved and she throws down the ultimatum… and you want to do the gig anyway. I would remind her that you would like to stay together, that nothing has to change, that your feelings haven’t changed, but you’re going to do the gig and if she cannot cope with that then it is her choice to leave and end the relationship… not yours.
I get very sick of partners putting out ultimatums and pretending like it’s the other person ending things by being “too selfish” to sacrifice good things for them. You got a work opportunity on a sex positive production which I presume you earned with your previous hard work and connections… she decided not to support your opportunity because of some kind of sexual jealousy… she is the one trying to either control or dump you. She can make that choice if she wants… but it’s hers.
Your choice is whether or not you wanna do the gig.
She likely doesn’t want this to lead to more jobs of a sexual nature and that’s understandable
Do you usually film sex stuff? That’s a big leap from regular filming and if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. You mentioned in the comments she’s specifically worried about you DMing the models.
That in particular seems silly and you could do that anyway regardless of work situations but I don’t think her general hesitations are unfounded.
It’s ok if she would prefer you not take the job. It is ok to nevertheless take the job because it’s the right move for your pocketbook and career. Keep communicating with her and reassure her that you only have eyes for her. Strong relationships can withstand disagreements. Not everyone needs to be happy about everything all the time as long as on the balance everyone gets their needs met.
You are just going to be on the crew? Not interacting with the actors? The sex sure would be simulated and the nudity limited right?
Maybe I’m biased from being in the entertainment biz for decades, but this seems like it would lead to cheating no more or less than any other job. And it’s barely sexual. It’s not like you’ll be shooting porn. You are going to shoot actors setting up quick and basic simulated sex shots. I don’t think your GF has a thing to worry about.
It’s not that she’s worried about what you will do. She is worried about what you will think about those women. She worried you will think they are more attractive and you will wish she was them. She doesn’t want you to lust after them even if you are faithful physically.
You’re currently successful in a really competitive career that is hard be successful in and you live on your reputation.
There’s some really talented people out there who haven’t had a break yet itching to take your spot. And you know as well as anyone that when producers and directors find people they like they will stick with them.
From a work perspective. Is it worth potentially having someone take your spot?
From a relationship perspective I wouldn’t say this is a red flag if it’s the first time. But it is a time to lay some rules on the relationship (without sounding too harsh). If you give your gf the veto on taking the job then that could grow to “not if X actress is in it”
I’m not saying it will or would. But our brains work weirdly.
In some ways, this is like the “let me see your messages” thing. It never gets better if you let it happen once.
Have you done work like this before?
Is there a chance of letting her be on-set? Maybe she’d feel better.
People here looove to act as if they would be soooooooo open minded in every freaking situation in their lives. It’s hilarious.
It is not that hard to understand her reasoning for being uncomfortable with that. Naked people. Sex. Taboo. In her mind she’s probably picturing women using sex toys and masturbating in from of him. The insecurity is kind of expected in a situation like that, but not impossible to get around.
Okay. It’s a job. He is professional. And she’s a human.
Anyway. Talk to her. Lots of reassurance. You both need to have a real and deep conversation about this or else one of y’all will end up resenting the other. Whatever you choose to do, talk to her first and make your decision clear.
I’d say a few things. I’m 33 and married, male.
1) If this was not your type of job when you met her and there was no expectation of it occurring then she isn’t totally out of bounds for having an issue with it.
2) You need to reassure her and have a real heart to heart discussion with her about why she’s not ok with it. Like real vulnerability. Hear her out and make sure she knows she’s your priority – you won’t take this job if after a calm rational conversation you’ve heard her out and she’s still uncomfortable with it, even if it’s just by preference.
3) On the other hand, evaluate how much this woman means to you. If this was some girl I was dating and not like “this is the girl I’m gonna marry” in all honesty I would have probably taken the job and moved on. If she’s “the one” you might want to start thinking like a married man and put her first. Kinda depends on your priorities. My wife comes first, always.
4) Is there any way for her to attend your job at least once or twice to see that it’s no big deal?
Asking a partner to suddenly be ok with their significant other filming sexual (real or not) situations of other people is definitely a difficult thing to traverse. Would you feel 100% comfortable if your girl told you tomorrow she was going to do mens boudoir photo shoots or whatever?
Neither of you is wrong here. You’re not wrong for wanting the job and knowing it’s literally a job and nothing else. She’s not wrong for having issues with it given the nature of it. Could it signal incompatibility? Maybe, but only you can decide if that’s a big enough thing to consider a red flag or just a bump in the road. Pick your battles, type of deal. There are plenty of women who are ok with this stuff, and plenty that aren’t.
Here’s the thing. This type of job will land you more of this type of work. I personally would not be comfortable with it either. An entire life battling about it sounds exhausting, I would probably break up over it if my bf/husband were to choose that over family/future wife.