My husband and I have been together 6, married for 4 years. We have a 2 year old, and he has joint custody of a daughter from a previous marriage.
Ever since our son was born, we’ve been struggling with this. It didn’t help he was born in 2020 when date nights were extremely difficult, but that’s really not the case for us now.
It always goes like this. I say I want to go on a date. He says it can’t be a weeknight because he wants everyone to start winding down for bed (including baths, etc) at 7:30. It can’t be a weekend he has his daughter because that cuts into parenting time. It can’t be a Sunday night because we see my mom those nights. Basically, only Saturdays, and *maybe* Friday nights, are acceptable for dates, and only two weekends each month. And invariably, at least one of those days will be unavailable for some other commitment.
So we schedule a date. Half the time, something comes up, or someone is sick. It normally wouldn’t be a big deal, but since it’s so hard to schedule anything with these tight restrictions, it’s really upsetting for me, knowing it will likely be more than a month before we get another chance.
Honestly, I tried to just give up on it. I know he loves me, and he demonstrates it in many other ways. But as soon as I stopped pushing him, suddenly *he* wanted to go on dates. I thought maybe we’d worked it out, but we end up having the same problem – if we have to reschedule for whatever reason, it just never happens. And every time, I end up getting my hopes up just to feel crushed when it gets canceled at the last minute.
Our anniversary was at the beginning of October. We’ve had a hectic month and we still haven’t celebrated. I just want to go out to dinner or something.
So I’m not sure what to do. I know he wants to go out sometime, it just feels like it’s the bottom of his priority list – like any one of his reasons is a minor problem we could solve if he really wanted to. I even tried giving up, but then he goes and gets my hopes up, and I can’t stop myself from being disappointed when things fall through.
7 comments
Its all about priorities, and right now your romantic/relationship isn’t a priority. If you don’t both make it one, then it will either away completely and is incredibly difficult to get back.
It is on the bottom of the priority list.
You guys need a date night when it works for you, not when it fits all his rules.
Why can’t you do something romantic at home after the kids gone to bed? That way you can supplement with those dates when you are having trouble getting out of the house. We regularly do date nights in. We have painted together. Cooked a super fancy meal together. Did something like make your own pizzas with wine. We play board games with each other. We watch a romantic movie and give each other massages. We get takeout from a restaurant we haven’t tried before.
It’s hard with younger kids, if you have daycare could you both take the same day off and have a day date? Or lunch dates? If there’s no daycare in a few years when the child is school age can do the day dates. Would your parents watch the kid while you get out every so often?
Otherwise if daycare is to big of an issue is going out to eat with the 2 year old an option? I know it’s not alone time per se but better than nothing. Then once that child’s old enough to stay home alone dinner dates will become easy again. It’s just making it til then and accommodating the situation you have now. I know
Can you try short dates? 2 hrs?
Even during the week after the kids are in bed have a sitter come 8-10?
Go for a light meal? Late movie?
I definitely understand where you’re coming from. Our baby was also born in 2020. We didn’t even have a date until our baby was almost 2. I’ve posted about it before but honestly a lot of it boiled down to childcare.
I think it would be a great idea to chose one Saturday a month that would be a date night. Just for example, first Saturday of the month. It sounds like your MIL is fairly open and available. If you, your husband and your MIL knew of this arrangement, it would make things a lot easier. Everyone knows what to expect.
I understand having another child with custody arrangements makes this more difficult.
But you need to prioritize dates. I think it makes it easier if you have a set aside day/night. Life gets busy and you realize you haven’t had a date in a few months! Been there, done that!
Compromise and find something he wants that doesn’t thrill you. Take it in turns.