To give clarification i’m 18 (F) he’s 18 (M). A few nights ago I made out with my guy friend, while we were drunk and high. He always showed interest in me, so it was quite natural. For three nights in a row, we would get high/drunk and make out in my room. And planned on hooking up, having sex. Anyways the night comes and we both agree on it the day before. He leaves a condom in my room. The night comes he makes out with me, strips me down. Gives me head. The time comes for us to go all the way. And he says he doesn’t want to. I ask him about it, and he says he hasn’t had sex with anyone yet in college. And then makes up a bunch of random excuses, about having anxiety, and me being his friend. At this point i’m very confused. I kick him out of my room, for leading me on. And having given up such an intimate part of myself, to someone to discard. I’ve blocked him on everything.
I just don’t understand why.
It hurt i’m not going to lie.
10 comments
Sounds like he changed his mind and you over reacted.
Sounds like he has anxiety and was overthinking it and got cold feet.
I wouldn’t take it personally.
Like women, men are allowed to withdraw consent. I suppose you’re also allowed to react as negatively you want to. However, if encourage you to imagine yourself in a situation where you don’t feel ready to have sex with another person. What would you want for yourself? Would you want to go through with having sex even if you don’t really want to, just because you said you would? Would you want your friend to get angry with you and block you because you spoke up about your discomfort?
He panicked and/or backed out. He’s allowed to do that. It might have been a lot for him in the moment. You can also feel some kinda way about it but I don’t think it was worth blocking him over
If he has anxiety, he probably could tell he wasn’t going to be able to get or maintain a solid erection (anxiety induced erectile dysfunction), and as a result you kicked him out and blocked him, ooof.
Can’t blame either of you really, you’re both young and learning and very sensitive. Just know if I’m right, there’s almost nothing worse as a man then wanting to be hard and not being able to. Insanely frustrating and emasculating. Becomes a terrible self-fulfilling cycle where you get all caught up in your own head about it. Instead of being honest he made up some excuses and what not it sounds like. Tough one overall. Maybe I’m wrong but if I am right, know he was def attracted/ turned on by you, the issue was on his end I’d wager.
I’ll tell you exactly why.
It’s called performance anxiety. It’s not just in his head—his dick wouldn’t get hard even if his life depended on it! It’s a debilitating and horrifying thing for a man to experience—and you tossed him out? That honestly makes you a pretty messed up human being. He would’ve been so vulnerable and embarrassed in that moment. Dear lord have mercy on his soul, because that experience will haunt him for YEARS to come based on your response.
Imagine if you wanted to have sex with a guy you really liked. But then right before, you got nervous, and your vagina somehow sealed up. He then felt emotionally attacked by you and kicked you out and then blocked you because you couldn’t perform. You’re the guy in this situation.
But I understand why you did it—because women are so so SO selfish when it comes to being self-conscious in the bedroom. You probably assume all men are just good to go whenever they want. No. He probably had racing thoughts the entire time leading up to it, and was so worried because he wanted to please and satisfy you so bad but he was so anxious that his junk wouldn’t start working. And you take it personally as if it’s because he doesn’t want you.
You’re wrong. He *wanted you so bad* that the stakes were too high and he got nervous. That’s why he went down on you—to buy himself time.
He absolutely would’ve gone all the way if he could’ve. All those excuses sounded like bullshit probably because he was too embarrassed to be honest about his problem as it is so emasculating to reveal.
What you should do is invite him back *immediately*, tell him you don’t need to have sex and that you just want to fool around, and take it slow with him. DO NOT impose an expectation for sex. No pulling out condoms or even mentioning penetration. No grabbing his cock and trying to put it in you before he’s ready. Just back off. Stop trying to *take* from a man. Just play around and allow him to become comfortable with you.
Don’t just assume you can use men as dicks on bodies. We have feelings and thoughts and we can be very in our heads during sex.
And stop taking it so personally. You don’t have a monopoly on that as a woman.
Also, start with a bj as it’ll get him hard and build up his comfort. Get him super hard like that. Also, what view does he like? He’ll be able to perform better in certain positions vs others, so try to find what he likes. But your both young as hell so he may not even know yet himself.
Lastly, suggest that he never watch porn. If he’s a chronic user, it’ll be hard for him to be stimulated by a real person AND he’ll get even more anxious.
Consent goes both ways. He also went down on you so he really didn’t lead you on exactly. He just wasn’t ready.
Imagine being treated like that if you got nervous or unsure?
He might have been embarrassed, it could be a myriad of things such as performance anxiety which has everything to do with him and not you. As you, he is also allowed to withdraw consent.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will have experienced sexual assault. It’s possible that he had that background and ultimately couldn’t go through with it.
For whatever his reason he didn’t lead you on, but rather changed his mind and withdrew his consent. If you want to understand why you’ll have to unblock him and talk to him. I’m sure he’s not happy about how things went either.
Honestly you’ve handled this very poorly. People sometimes withdraw consent during sex, and they are allowed to do at any point in which they no longer feel comfortable. You as the other party are not owed an explanation. You need to respect that he didn’t feel ready in the moment.
He didn’t deceive you, he just no longer felt comfortable moving forward past a certain point, which isn’t something you can really predict until you’re in the moment. It also seems he’s lacking in experience, so it’s likely he planned to go all the way with you but realized he didn’t feel up to it.
You can feel however you want about it, but he didn’t lead you on. He didn’t do anything wrong. He changed his mind, which people are allowed to do. Sorry you got blue-balled.