I have a friend (25) who’s a single parent. She had her child at 17 and as you can imagine, has struggled her way through a lot of her life (beyond her child as well). She’s currently paying her bills thanks to her grandpa. (She does get gov. Assistance and child support, but living comfortably in our city requires 2 incomes for a single person unless you’re making well over 100k, it’s tough).
She is messaging me just about every day to tell me of the things she’s bought, or wants to buy. Anything from makeup to driving 5 hours and getting a hotel to meet up with and hook up with a guy (add on cost of childcare to that type of bill). I don’t need to go into all the details, her priorities are completely out of whack. Whenever I try to tell her this she always tells me to just be a friend, or that her priorities are in order since her bills are paid and her child in fed. I can’t tell her that paying your bills on someone else’s dime isn’t exactly doing well for yourself. A breaking point for me was she was over for an evening with her son and she asked if he could have a frozen pizza from my freezer because she didn’t have the money to order food as she had offered. Which I had offered my fridge to begin with so that itself isn’t the issue, the issue is literally the next morning she texted me to show me a $70 Sephora order she placed..
Am I just to sit back and let her make her own choices? It kills me watching her be so stupid.
19 comments
Until she recognizes she has a problem there isn’t much you can do. Tell her you are there for her as a friend, but that you need to stop seeing evidence of her spending her money in the wrong places, no more talking about all the stuff she is buying while at the same time not being able to feed her child.
She will be upset, and she may cut off contact, but it’s the hard truth she needs to hear.
Quite frankly, yes, sit back or cut contact. It’s not really your business unless she specifically asks for advice on it.
I hate to put it that bluntly but if you don’t like it you don’t have to be her friend. Or just tell her you don’t want to hear about her spending habits.
Sure, it may not seem smart. But that’s a different conversation.
She’s not wrong that if her bills are paid and her child is fed, it’s really not your business to criticize how she spends. If the most she’s ever asked you for is a frozen pizza you’d offered in the first place, it’s not like she’s taking advantage of you. I understand why you think she should make different choices, but you should step back.
I don’t think anything you say will change her right now. Just let her make her own mistakes but for the sake of the child, keep an eye out and be prepared to call CPS if her spending starts reaching a level that causes neglect.
Absolutely just cut contact. I’ve got a few friends that dwindled out because they’d invite me out then expect me to pay for the meal because my job pays better, or tag me in things on Facebook saying “a real best friend would send me money right now”. I try not to be a door mat now with the money and generosity parts, and I find it frustrating watching people do stupid shit and struggle without listening to advice when they ask for it 😂
You’re getting older and to a point in adult life where you’re going to learn you don’t want to be associated with people like this. She’s shown some selfish behavior and prioritizing herself over her child’s well being. I’d question how much the child, now about 8(?), lacks as a sacrifice to his mothers needs.
Show me your 3 closest friends and I’ll show you what kind of person you are. I ended a few friendships over this concept because I didn’t want to be associated with narcissistic behaviors and general selfishness. Your child comes first- always.
You can’t change her. So you either stay her friend or walk away from the trainwreck/mooching that’s coming.
Having a child so young most likely stunted her development. She’s spending like a kid because she mentally still is one. That’s unfortunate but she’s just gonna have to learn the hard way, as long as she’s not asking you for money I’d simply distance myself.
Your friend had a kid when she was too young and is still trying to experience her youth. My mother did the same (although she did abandon me for a bit before coming back). The buying is something she can control and brings her a small amount of happiness. What you can try to do is really have a heart to heart with her. Speak to her calmly, explain how you feel and how you see her actions as doing more harm than good and how it’s preventing her from getting ahead. If she’s receptive to it then that should be enough of a wake up call. If not, well it’s up to you on whether you can stick around. Good luck though
She’s not stupid, OP. She *knows* what she is doing. She is being selfish with money and getting it from different places like family members and you.
She probably thinks she is very clever. Cut her loose.
You can’t fix stupid.
She’s out of her gourd. I’d say you could try to remain friends with some boundaries in place like never ever ever giving her money or food.. but I don’t know if that’s really practical. You can certainly try having a talk with her about her spending habits but I would not be surprised if she took direct offense to it.
>Am I just to sit back and let her make her own choices?
Yes.
Cut her off. You can’t make her stop doing this shit but you don’t have to listen to it or take time out of your day to babysit.
What you need to understand is that she looks at everyone in her orbit as a potential source of money or “stuff”, be it food, groceries, clothing, etc. She’s already proved that to you, and be certain she’s used others in the same way. She’s a “Karen” in the making, feeling entitled to anything she desires, and as her child ages, she will come to resent him/her as the child will require a steadily increasing amount of resources, and the time may come when CPS is forced to put her child in foster care.
Were I you, I’d gradually withdraw from her life, to the point where you are LC or NC with her, as you will cease being her friend, and simply become a “mark” to draw from.
I wish you well.
You don’t have to lecture her but you also don’t have to fund her. Just tell her you can’t afford it. If she tries to explain your finances to you, ask her if she’d like you to return the favor.
It will probably save your mental health if you don’t see her excesses daily.
Unfortunately there’s little to nothing you can do. Seems she has enough enablers in her life that she’ll ride that train until it crashes and burns.
You can’t talk sense into those not seeing issues with their way of life.
This is why giving people money never solves financial issues for people.
OP Is better to left this friendship die, once her grandpa won’t be able to give her more money or when she had burn a lot of bridges asking for loans to her family she will begin to ask more and more from you, last time was a freezer pizza next time will be a drastic history about how she couldn’t fix her car or pay the electric bill, etc.
This kind d of people just got worse and worse and will try to take money from anyone near them. Just save the headache now and cut her from your life.