Me (19F) and my boyfriend (20M) of 3 years broke up last week because of his behaviour after my dad died.
On the 22nd October whilst at university I received the worst call you could imagine. My dad had been found dead by mum (55F) and my brother (13M) when they returned home from a dog walk. He wasn’t unhealthy and seemed completely fine when they left, but for some reason still unknown his heart flat lined.
My boyfriend was brilliant to begin with. He came to straight to meet me at uni, came home with me on the train and waited in the waiting room whilst I said my final goodbye to my dad.
However, he then became completely different.
My boyfriend went straight back to uni which is about 1.5/2 hours away by train which run frequently. We’re from the same area and my boyfriend has been going back home a lot since term started a few weeks ago. However, when I begged him to come home as soon as he could because I really really needed him he kept saying maybe I’ll come home at the weekend, I’ll try to etc. After we’d agreed he’d come on Friday night he tried to pull out of it and said he’d come Saturday morning instead because it was too much of a ‘faff’ to get there Friday.
In my darkest hour I was having to beg him repeatedly to come home. He goes home ALL the time usually. I needed desperately for someone to look after me after having to stay really strong for my mum and brother’s sake.
My boyfriend said he could support me through the phone, and he did at times. However, a few days after my dad died he found the time go clubbing. Nights are really tough and I asked what if I need to talk, he said he needed to blow off steam. The next day when I text him around midday (after not having spoken to him that morning) he immediately said I wasn’t letting him get on with work. He still spoke to me, albeit very reluctantly.
In a moment of anger I broke up with him. All I could think of was how much my dad wouldn’t want me to be treated like that, he would want someone who would move mountains for me in a time like that.
We spoke today and he apologised. He said he felt really stressed and was worried about all the work he had to do (but maybe if he didn’t go out clubbing and procrastinate he could get it done lol), and that he’d come home this Wednesday afternoon or the weekend to make up for his behaviour last week. I love him, but I just can’t get over how he abandoned me in my darkest time, when I needed him most. Everyone keeps saying he was overwhelmed, he didn’t know how to react etc but neither did I and I managed to step up to be there for mum and brother.
Does he deserve a second chance?
28 comments
First and foremost I’m so sorry about the passing of your father. I can’t even imagine the pain your going through.
You should never NEVER have to beg someone to be there for you in your suffering. Going clubbing? While the one you love is in misery just insane to me. 3 years did he know your dad? I’ve had friends I knew for less than a year and would be so sad if they passed. I’m rambling now I’m sorry.
Then his apology was how he’s stressed and blah blah blah. Um sir did your dad just die…… His actions spoke volumes love
I am so, so sorry for your loss, sweetheart.
He absolutely does not deserve a second chance.
He legitimately didn’t even do the bare minimum of supporting you after the *death of your father*.
If he was overwhelmed, he could have said “I don’t know how to help” instead he went out clubbing?
He actively dismissed you repeatedly.
No. You were right the first time around, your father would *never* have wanted you to be treated so callously.
I’m sorry to hear of your father’s unexpected passing.
I could understand if he was in the middle of medical residency, or Midterms/Finals. But he went home to go clubbing. He used the word “faff” to refer to being there for you, which TIL means a waste of time. Do you think you’re a waste of time? Do you agree your family is a waste of time?
He puts his wants ahead of your emotional needs, and this is him at his absolute best behavior- at some point he’ll have some kind of trauma of his own and he’ll be at his absolute worst. Staying together with him seems like a faff to me!
> In a moment of anger I broke up with him. All I could think of was how much my dad wouldn’t want me to be treated like that, he would want someone who would move mountains for me in a time like that.
I think you were right about this.
> Everyone keeps saying he was overwhelmed, he didn’t know how to react etc but neither did I and I managed to step up to be there for mum and brother.
You’re right about this, too. Trust your instincts. If you get back with this boy he will disappoint you again.
I’m sorry about your father.
Sorry but his stress was nothing like yours. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that and an apology means very little to me personally without actions to back it up.
This is who he is. You need someone who will support you and he failed. Unless he can somehow prove that he can change then he doesn’t deserve a second chance.
>he apologised. He said he felt really stressed and was worried about all the work he had to do
IMO his apologies are not (fully?) sincere. It doesn’t sound like he is remorseful if he is using excuses instead accepting full responsability for his apathetic behavior
There’s something else going on with your Bf that you don’t know!!!
He’s coming home frequently and by some strange coincidence when you’re gone from the college town he suddenly can’t be anywhere else?????
I’m sorry to jump on the “He’s cheating” train, and I really hope I’m wrong, but is it possible that your boyfriend saw that you’d be out of the way for a few days and used the opportunity to party with the side chick? (I’m sorry, this feels so cruel to even suggest and I’m truly sorry for the loss of your dad). It’s worth asking around to find out if anyone “from back home” has been visiting while you were mourning.
There’s no justification for going clubbing when he knows his girlfriend’s life has been turned upside down. Is this how he’s gonna deal with every incident when his partner needs support? You’re in labour having his baby, and he needs to party in order to “cope”?
When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them!!
As I say, I hope I’m wrong, but in your shoes I’d be staying broken up indefinitely until boyfriend earns your trust again.
No
I would concentrate on you and what you need right now and that probably isn’t someone who is feeling uncomfortable being supportive.
I’d imagine friends would treat you better. People are odd about death but it does show a massive lack of empathy which isn’t great.
Whether or not he deserves a second chance I couldn’t say. What I can say is that you don’t have to decide right now. Take whatever time you need to take care of yourself and your family. Your boyfriend can wait until you’re ready.
My sympathies for your loss.
You started dating him when you were 16. Are you with him because he’s amazing or are you with him because of inertia?
Examine the relationship and the recent past – both before and after your father’s passing (my condolences, by the way). Don’t do it with rose colored glasses, either.
I thought your dad died because of him then in the post headline.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Dump this reject
He doesn’t deserve a second chance. You already said that your father wouldn’t want you to be treated like that. Take it as a sign that your dad wants the best for you. My condolences to you and your family.
No he doesn’t. The “man” is selfish and has no empathy.
This guy genuinely sucks. Your decision was made in anger, but it appears to be rooted in something very important: in a truly terrible time, he chose not to be there for you. He’s brilliant when things are good, and *this way* when things are not. And here’s the thing, you’re guaranteed to have hard times ahead, everyone does. Why stay with someone who you know will most likely bail?
I’m really sorry you lost your dad, and at such a young age. Sending a hug your way.
Don’t give him a second chance. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
Sorry for you loss , wish you never received that call , but imo maybe you should give him a chance if he was really apologetic!
Some people genuinely freak out when someone dies and they don’t even realize they are being complete wankers. IF you guys can talk it out and he can figure out where this behavior stems from, and if he’s willing to work it out, then it could be worth a shot. But only if this is totally out of character and only if you are able to look past it. You don’t have to feel obliged and you are completely valid in how you feel.
Well, that depends on the REAL reason he chose to bail. It could be that matters concerning the death of someone he knows trips his breaker; perhaps from an experience in his youth. It’s something to be explored, at least.
If he was just “uncomfortable” being around grieving people, even one with whom he’s supposedly in a loving relationship, and prefers to “blow off steam” at a bar, then you seriously need to reevaluate his pedigree, and consider if he’s fit company for the future, when there’s time when the chips are down, and someone needs to have your back.
My condolences for your loss, and I wish you well.
The real question is..
How would he feel if he was in your shoes? How would he feel if you went to the club instead of comforting him?
I lost my father when I was 14, and NOBODY understood what I was going through. Losing a parent is hard. The moment you think of them, it’s instant tears.
OP, I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. Stay strong, and remember, you have every right to feel the way you feel.
Simple. No.
Do not get back together with him. He is showing you who he really is and gaslighting you. Find someone who will support at all times.
In a moment of clarity you broke up with him. He is a child, who doesn’t deserve your attention or time.
You’re right that he handled things poorly at best. It’s very possible that he didn’t know what to do, felt out of place since he isn’t a blood relative, or is extremely uncomfortable with loss and the emotions that come with it. You’re both so young and I do think it isn’t out of the question that he was overwhelmed and under prepared on how to help you. That doesn’t mean it was okay either. I think you need a break to focus on you and your family and processing your grief. This is a terrible loss, and it’s honestly probably easier to deal with being upset with him than what happened to your Dad. Take some time. That may mean that he moves on and sees other people. He may not. Regardless you’ve been dealt a devastating loss and it’s okay to take a step back and just focus on that for a while. I’m so sorry for your loss sweetheart.
I would tell him to do whatever, if he comes great, if not, well that’s ok too. The clubbing is what would have pissed me off. While you’re struggling to stay afloat he was out having fun. I would understand if it was work or classes, but clubbing…. nope.
Don’t take him back
You already gave him second, third, fourth, etc. chances. Each time you asked him and talked to him to go be with you, that was a chance. Instead, he ignored you, went clubbing, and didn’t prioritize you, and he made all of those choices every day that wen by.
So no, don’t give him the 1,000th chance.
He also made excuses, didn’t take responsibility, and he thinks he can “make up” the time. He cannot make up the time. You needed him and he wasn’t there so there’s no “make up”. This is not a dinner he canceled. He still doesn’t get it. He is very immature and it’s not your job to tell him how he should behave or what he should do. You are not his mom.
My father passed away in 2013 after an illness. I was just a little older than you (21), and this would’ve been 100% unforgivable for me.
People are overwhelmed by grief, sure, but his callousness and selfishness showed you exactly who he is. Believe him. Let him grow up on his own, take care of yourself, and find someone who won’t drop you when you need them.