How to go from Kinky Sub to Vanilla Wife?

11 comments

1. You can’t be what you aren’t.

   But you can be who you are in a lot of ways.

   Fold vanilla and submissiveness together delicately and demurely and mentally in a way he can manage or that’s transparent to him.

   Instead of “Master”, mentally insert the word “Sir” after whatever you say.

   For instance, “I love sex with you” in your head can become, “I love sex with you, Sir” in your mind. As it’s a more gentle, less physically and emotionally violent change, he might even care to hear it out loud.

   If he challenges it, tell him it’s your compromise.

2. Similar situations but roles are reversed here. I had a few partners who wanted to be dominated, but my wife doesn’t like it.

   I think our happy medium was emphasizing foreplay and starting slowly. Tons of touching and kissing. I think your husband can make some concessions as well here.

   I’d recommend trying out a lot of different positions to figure out where the compromises are. We almost always start in a deep, slow missionary. And we finish in doggy style or leap frog with her hair being pulled.

3. Once you’ve had kinky, exciting, all-encompassing sex I think it’s impossible to go back and be satisfied with unfrosted vanilla sex.

4. You can’t change one’s nature.
   This goes both ways, for him and for yourself.

   If you are kinky by nature, trying to be anything else will just leave you unfulfilled and unhappy.
   But likewise with him, if he is the opposite, forcing him will leave him unhappy.

   Often it’s best to find someone who meshes with you not just in the usual ways, but sexually is just as important.
   That said—This doesn’t seem to be the case with you two. Don’t get me wrong though! I am not saying give up on each other.

   Like someone else said, you and your partner need to find a balance, a half way point.
   Life and also relationships are about growth and adaptation. Being kinky isn’t just a one shade thing, explore what else gets you going, and actually meshes with him. Even if he isn’t into being mean or aggressive, doesn’t mean something in the kink world won’t get him going. Even the most conservative folk have a little something hidden deep within.

5. How did you get to being married when you both are opposites in the bedroom? Seems like something you could have looked into back when you first started dating. But, since you are here now, the best you can hope for is to abstain from anything that gives you that kinky feeling. No porn. Try not to even think about sex from the past. I’m an addict, and it’s way harder to go back to being vanilla. You have to reset your brain, and that is no simple task. Hopefully you can get him to come up to your level, or at least have him meet you half way. Try to do some of the most boring stuff like jigsaw puzzles and crocheting. And praise him for washing the car on a Saturday afternoon.

6. I’d probably go in the direction of romance. Gentle touches. Light kisses. Maybe back or foot massage.

   Candle light dinners occasionally.

   I’m guessing he wants to look at and see a “lady.” If that’s true, I would pay attention to the women he compliments and emulate them.

7. Are there ways you two can compromise? For example, he may not want to tie you up and whip you, but would he be willing to pin you down sometimes? He may not be comfortable calling you names or demeaning you, but would he be willing to tell you “good girl” sometimes since it’s technically praise?

   It seems to me you’d both be happier if you found some middle ground sometimes.

8. I’m just like your husband but i just never had a girlfriend, and doing things like bdsm wouldn’t be my cup of tea. It has nothing to do with your post, but i couldn’t never strangle my girlfriend. To me, it’s not lov3 but everyone has their things. You shouldn’t love him less for that even if you probably don’t.

9. >Last night we had a conversation about our sex life, and **he confided in me that he doesn’t like to do kinky, aggressive or anything ‘mean’ or overly lewd or ‘naughty’ to me because in his mind, it’s not normal to want to do mean-ish or crude things to someone you love so dearly.** And yes, we’ve talked about consent and done all the other ground work for it- he just doesn’t care for it!

   You may want to read up on the Madonna-Whore Complex. The bolded section is basically a textbook example.

10. Like others said, subvert him subtly by blending vanilla and more of what you want.

    “Yard by yard, it’s hard. Inch by inch, it’s a cinch.”

    As a man, it can be really difficult to deliberately hurt someone who you feel you’re supposed to protect and make feel good. Some whore on the street? Sure, slap that slut around and make her gag on your cock. Put that little tramp in her place. But the love of your life? Never!

    Start with classic Americana submissive housewife. Make it a vibe. Challenge him to make more decisions for you, push him and draw him towards being the assertive one, the sexual aspect will follow. Introduce subtle pictures, music, videos, of submission and domination. Be romantic but each session move him closer to what you want. It’s a campaign. Give a little before you take, then ask him to do something just for you (but really for you both). “I know it’s not your thing but I was hoping you would do something just for me…?” Start with something really easy, like some lighthearted spanking. But each session ask him to go just a little harder. Eventually it will be second nature for him.

    And this might be dubious advice, so take it with a grain of salt, but in heat of the moment, if he’s horny, a little punishment might trigger the response you’re looking for. One time when I was younger I was with a woman who was getting exasperated with my gentle nature and while she was goading me to go harder and I wasn’t quite comfortable with that, she reached up and slapped me. Like hard. And it pissed me off, and I was suddenly much more intent on making that bitch suffer. It worked way better than just words, which would have shamed me and made me withdraw.

    You have to be careful with that, because it’s quite possible that you might just hurt his feelings. But if you sense the time is right, a little provocation, some challenging behavior might prompt him to engage with a bit more force.

11. Secret: Vanilla sex isn’t vanilla! It just isn’t overt. My husband holds me down and knows when I want to be restrained, banged hard, tortured with edging. We just don’t call that kinky, tough sex, or orgasm control.

    For overt: do you like being submissive outside the br? Then you could more of a demand/reward system. Clean the tub and you can suck me off in it.

    Last, try being a service top. Then he doesn’t have to be “mean.”