Husband and I haven’t been in a good place for some time now; but I guess I didn’t realize how bad it was until my husband suggested trial separation yesterday. He expressed I’ve been cold towards him and he can see a noticeable change. And he feels it might be what we need to save our marriage as he 100% doesn’t want to divorce and he’s afraid he’s going to lose me. I don’t think we need to go that far.
Granted things have been stressful and we just had our third baby in September. (Unexpectedly as our middle child just turned 15 months yesterday) he works full time and we started a landscaping business last year that he runs by himself essentially; has some help but not much. I do work full time as well and do 95% of house work and child care; however I am currently on unpaid maternity leave so he is our only income currently.
Now we have other issues that I don’t wish to share here as I like to keep things private. However I will disclose that our sex life is the biggest issue him wanting it 24/7 and I have some kind of negative association with it and only want it periodically.
So basically I have two questions anyone who did a trial separation did it help or was it the final straw that pushed things towards divorce; and also advice to get things back in a good place we already discussed going to marriage counseling so other advice and suggestions would be appreciated.
We both want to save our marriage so we’re definitely willing to do the work
Edit to add: we did talk after the suggestion and we aren’t planning to actually separate at this time but wanted to see others view points to see if it did help and it should be something to consider. For me it’s a hard no on separating.
7 comments
As I read your post, the thing that runs through my head is questioning how a separation would help with your intimate life if that is his biggest issue? If anything, it would make it worse unless he plans on spending time with other partners while you two are separated. To me, that would be a hard pass.
Intimacy can be an issue for couples that can lead to separation and divorce. It takes partners willing to work together and with a willingness to communicate openly and honestly with each other about the problems they are having along with how to address them. Those conversations can be very difficult, especially since it’s all too easy for each of you to blame your partner as being the source of the problem when it’s likely both of you.
For example, have you talked to your husband about your negative association with intimacy? Have you two talked about how you might be able to work through it or around it? Have you two considered individual therapy with the counseling or even a sex therapist?
Ultimately, you have to remember that you’re not mind readers. If you don’t talk about your problems, how can your partner ever know that things need to change? If you don’t talk about your desires, how can your partner ever know what you want?
You had a baby in September and middle one is just 15 months. How is sex even possible with the other details you provided.
Separation are bad.
I guess your husband needs some sound advice but he isn’t here.
Kindly do some basis reading online about how to make husband understand difficulty in sex after having a bay, how to keep intimacy alive in difficult times.
I mean just do a basic preparation and have a heartfelt discussion (s) with him. You might be upset with him but pls show your vulnerabilities as well. You are living a difficult life. Though he is wrong but try to be polite and accomodating during the discussions.
Avoid separation.
Check if you could have some help so that you could have some romantic date. Sorry you seems to be asking from advice instead of him. Stay strong. You aren’t wrong.
Being separated will not help your sex life. Instead of leaving, causing more stress as 100% of everything will fall to you, suggest an intermediary that you can talk to. Marriage counseling can work if both are committed to it.
Hi there,
With all of the changes, you two are going through (having the new baby and trying to keep up with the other two, etc…) is so obvious that you and your husband love each other and want your marriage to work. You realize that counseling for all of the issues is vital.
It honestly seems like you two are well on the way to finding what works! (..and yes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” but it really doesn’t seem like it would be in your best interest, overall, to separate…)
One thing that might help your communication is “reflective listening.” My husband and I have been together for 31 years, and have had difficult times as well, and this has helped us. You probably know, it’s basically repeating back (in your own words) what the other has said, to make sure you are understanding correctly. Although it may sound silly, we have also tried “role reversal,” in our conflicts, and it’s enlightening! (My husband sometimes finds it hard to be serious with it tho…which actually can lighten up the situation!)
Clear communication, of course, is key.
I will also say that we have begun to pray with each other, and for each other, which has helped us a lot in our marriage.
There are many things that might help your relationship improve. If you could have a “date night,” on a regular basis, (making that a priority), it may be a great start.
I am so glad that you two are determined to make your marriage work (both for yourselves, and for your children!) With patience and understanding, I feel sure you will be successful!
All the best to you both!!
Have you tried couples therapy? I feel like that would be healthier than a separation. Separating just seems like a “time out to sleep with other people.” Like that friends episode “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” Marriages shouldn’t contain separations from each other. That’s just an ease into divorce. Either you both want to make it work or he’s trying to leave. Don’t separate. Get therapy instead.
As you will discover in counseling, you need to communicate better with each other. Sometimes that is just learning how the other spouse communicates. Emerson Eggrichs has a couple of good books about the differences between the way men and women communicate. To rekindle your relationship, take it back to the beginning. Have a regular date night, preferably without the kids. Do things for each other to gain their affection. We have a tendency to go into cruise mode, assuming our relationships will take care of themselves. Actually, we need to be very proactive in maintaining our relationships. Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott have some good books about marriage.
Wow! I’m sad you guys are having a difficult time! Nothing you’ve said seems out of the ordinary for your stage of life, and I am very impressed that your husband was able to verbalize his discontent. I’m also very impressed and in agreement with your decision to not separate. It honestly sounds like you need more time alone together, not more time apart! You are in an extremely busy stage of life. Simplifying as much as possible and getting as much sleep as possible will help. Is the landscaping business a side-gig? This may not be the best stage in life to start that. Sex is very important to any marriage, and often the desired frequency doesn’t match. However if your husband has an insatiable sexual desire and expects you to meet that, that hardly seems fair, and should be discussed. Also if you have an aversion to sex because of childhood sexual abuse, etc., that trauma is also very real and needs to be healed. You may need some very delicate therapy to help you process that, because it also hardly seems fair that your husband’s natural sexual desire for you remain perpetually unfulfilled. Clifford and Joyce Penner have a book, Enjoy!, about how a woman can enjoy sex with her husband. That may help?